I'm afraid you and I will disagree when it comes to how you feel about yourself, your blog, your work, and whether or not you "deserve" to be in the community. A community is for participating. You can come back anytime you like, as long as you're willing to participate - even as someone who just enjoys it, and appreciates others' work.
The community will be sad to see you go. But remember that you made something. And that's more that can be said for others who steal others' art and use AI to "create". Even if you need to leave, even if you feel badly about yourself, let it be known - you still made something. And that matters. Even if it was just one person, or two - remember that a small, tiny room, full of actual human beings, were interested in your work. And that matters, always.
I hope you get the freedom and peace of mind you seek. I have no ill will to you. Only kindness and love. Be careful out there. Remember that numbers on a post aren't numbers. Those are whole entire human beings who decided to dedicate a little bit of time to listen. And that's a lot to ask out of one human, let alone two, or three. Remember the person, and remember the love, wherever you go. Take care.
[ I just don't understand, you know? ]
[ Why everyone still wants to forgive me. I know what I did was stupid and still everyone has the gall to not just give up on me. ]
[ Why can't you just do that? Why can't you just make this easier for me? ]
[ I never should have came here. I found a bit of happiness and through my own actions and procrastination I started to lose it. And it should be obvious that's on ME and ME ALONE. ]
[ I know this is stupid and selfish, and I feel like at the end of the day me saying I wanted to get rid of this all was some stupid ploy deep down to beg the universe not to forget me, that people who recognize what was going on and stop me somehow. ]
[ And the worst part is I'm done with being saved, or at least with everything. I'm getting closer and closer to the end of the story, and maybe some awful part of me that knows the end is near but doesn't want to say goodbye just yet assumed doing the anon shit would keep me from dwelling on that. I can't take a break, I can't NOT take a break, I can't even take a break PROPERLY. ]
[ This place is all I know what to do with myself and at the same time the opposite because recently I've barely got anything done. I know that sounds like me selling myself short, but it's true because every single goddamn time I sit down and tell myself "I'm gonna work on the next moon even if it's just a little bit" and then end up not doing it. And I hate when I end up doing that and then getting it done all in one short burst. It's just so messy and it leaves me feeling like more could be done. ]
[ Maybe it was just the expectations. Maybe when I started venting here was when I went wrong, but it takes so much not to do that here because for as much more attention my blog gets since when I used to complain about it, it's still not enough to really stop the fear. ]
[ I want so badly to say Thank you, but the tiniest part of me hates that no one has the guts to say they hate me. ]
[ And I'm not sure what's worse: That I'm not against that feeling, or that I actively WANT it. ]
[ ...Haha. I think there's something deeply wrong inside of me. Won't somebody fix it? ]
