Thin & Tiny

Why is it that people feel entitled to talk about my body as if it is a problem I need to solve?

Why do they assume that just because I am fat I am not eating healthy food?

Why do they feel that's it's okay to comment on my weight, or anybody else's for that matter, when it only worsens my mental health?

Why do I have to hide myself and adjust to what people expect to see from me in order to feel comfortable with themselves?

Why do they think they are superior to me because we have different bodies?

Why do they think they can call me stupid just because I'm fat?

There was this time, when I was around 4 or 5 when kids didn't want to be friends with me because I was the fat kid.

Or when my aunt bought for me a twix bar and told me to 'eat tiny pieces' so that I would not get fatter.

Also that time when my other aunt took me on a walk and told me that I needed to exercise because I was simply a 'fat fuck'.

When I was on second grade and girls started asking me how much I weighted, and for the first time I compared my, much higher, weight to the weight of my classmates.

Or that time I went to the doctor when I was 8 to get a flu shot or something, and she refused to give me a lolly because I was 'too fat'.

The time I was 9 and I got sick, they took me to the doctor and he told me that if I was that fat nobody would ever love me.

Or that time when another doctor told me that if I didn't lose weight they would have to feed me with a tube.

Mind you through all this episodes I was just about 15 or 16 pounds above the ideal weight for my age.

Also there was that time when I was about 10 that two girls from my class asked me how much I weighted and before I had the chance to answer they said "500 tons".

Anyway, when I was 12 I began my first official diet. And thankfully I lost the extra weight but then I gained it all back and with a little extra.

There was one day when I was in middle school that I needed to stand in front of the class and I couldn't fit through the space to get to the front because a couple of my classmates had moved their chairs so they could chat, and everyone laughed at me.

Or when I started a new diet and my aunt told me that I needed to lose weight because I wasn't pretty enough.

I began purging and restricting my meals but that didn't last long, and I thought I was a complete failure because I couldn't have a proper E.D.

By the time I was 15 I had been in more diets than I can count, and I ended up with a new doctor who ran all the necessary tests and told me that my thyroid was not normal but not necessarily 'functiong'.

I started taking amphetamines, with a prescription, and I started losing weight again. Before going with this doctor I weighted 175 pounds and I managed to get to 142 pounds and I was elated.

Then due to some financial issues I had to cut off the meds, stopped visiting the doctor and even though I tried to continue the diet it was kind of expensive so...

But then I got it all back, and then my parents started restricting the food I was allowed to eat and then I would sneak food into my room and binged.

I finished high school weighting about 170 pounds.

I started college and in my first semester I gained about 10 pounds.

Before my second semester started my grandma gave me laxatives and she told me that that would make me pretty.

I decided not to take them, I was starting a somewhat strict exercise regime and I was faithful that I would lose weight with that.

I lost almost nothing and then one day I was fighting with my mother and she told me that I was a cow, and so I decided to start taking them, honestly how could they hurt me?

I lost a ton of weight in a really short amount of time, seriously in one month I went from 180 pounds to almost 165 and it was showing.

I spent that summer far away from home and I stopped taking laxatives but I managed to get to 150 pounds.

When I went back home I got it all back, I had been struggling with depression during my teenage years and just before my second year of college I had a terrible episode and yeah, that happened.

During those months I also changed my hair and became much more quiet. It was a really bad time but I managed to get through it.

Then before the second half of my second year I was Christmas shopping with my family and my mom was discussing something with one of my aunts and the conversation was something like this.

'Well if x (my cousin) is so stressed, why doesn't she stop doing gymnastics?' asked my mother and then my aunt said something like 'She needs to excercise I don't want her to look like her (me).'

Also fun fact this conversation happened right in front of me, and yeah I almost started crying.

The second half was pretty good I started with amphetamines again and I lost some weight but I couldn't keep it off, I lost one pound and the next week o had two more.

By that time I just simply gave up, everyone around me was talking about my weight, making it obvious that I was not normal so I just stopped trying.

Of course I would get episodes where I would be extremely healthy and eat what I had to ear excercise and all that but they wouldn't last long.

I tried fasting, detox, juices, even laxatives once again, and nothing happened and I just hated myself more and more everyday.

And then I got an internship in audit (pretty weird for a person who is fat) but I managed and then when I was in a course the lady said something that lightly resembles 'fat people will never be as formal looking or as trustworthy as skinny people' and I've tried to forget that.

I really did, but well she said that looking straight at me so, that kinda sucked.

Anyway I am now 23 years old, I have never dated anyone because as soon as I start liking someone I remember how I was constantly reminded that no one would ever love a fat person.

I ruined my teeth in hopes that my awful smile would distract people from my disgusting body, but now I just have another thing to hate myself for.

I have an Instagram with zero pictures because I can't bear to post anything and get absolutely zero likes.

I have an enormous fear of eating in front of people, because I know that if I eat too much they will judge me, if I eat too little they will judge me and if I eat something 'unhealthy' they will too.

I'm terrified of wearing tight clothes because everyone will be able to see the things I hate the most about myself.

I can't stand in front of a mirror because I never like what I see, the crooked smile and the fat belly, the ugly legs and the ugly arms, and all in all it just disgusts me.

I keep living and hoping that one day, I will be skinny and that I'll manage to look good but I feel as if that won't ever happen.