Thinking.Monologue

I have been home for the final week of my dad's radiation and watching my brother's dog in the house I grew up in and I am floored at how quickly I revert to exactly who I was my senior year of high school. I go to the same coffee places, the same convenience stores for fountain sodas, and spend an excessive amount of time reading. Going to the beach and looking out on the ocean that raised me I review the choices I have made in my life....what really is different from when I lived here as a teenager. I have thought so much of me has changed throughout my 20s and early 30s and I realize now that is utter bullshit. I am basically still the same person, a little fatter, a lot more gray, but with the same central values and perspectives of the world. I guess it's true what they say, the more things change the more they stay the same.

I can't ever quite tell if what I am afraid of is actually being alone or feeling lonely. And if it's feeling lonely, aren't I already there?

More often than not I spend my night entirely alone. I can't remember the last time I slept in the comfort of someone else's embrace. If I am up late it is usually just in an effort to find someone fuck so that I can forget briefly that I am once again sleeping alone.

I don't mind waking up alone. But going to bed just seems like a defeat. Waking up alone invigorates a hope that perhaps today will be different. As the dusk closes in and I realize once again I have failed to find my perfect soul mate the loneliness creeps in.

I don't hate feeling lonely. It feels like a welcome friend some days. Something to expect and hold onto. But maybe I'm just tricking myself.

It's over a year since you passed away. I think about you every Sunday when I go to the program and am disheartened every time when you don't come waltzing in with your rollator pissed that I woke you up this early. I can't believe your gone, and I miss you so much. In some of my darkest moments....in some of my darkest moments you were the only voice I heard. You're the patient who has demonstrably changed my life the most. You were family in a way that many people in my family would never understand. When they called me to tell me that you were not doing well and were on all those pressors I struggled to tell them what you wanted.....because it wasn't what I wanted.....I wanted you here....and I wanted you around to put me in my place, and be mean, and be funny, and to be loved. Telling them that you didn't want any of those tubes or IVs was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do because I knew that it meant I would lose you forever. That you would cease to exist that soon I would be one of the only people to hold you in my heart.

Tonight while at dinner I was talking about how I thought I would never find my romantic soul mate. My friend pushed me and asked if I had ever had a soul mate. I recalled two people that I truly thought I was destined to meet and you were one of them. The minute I met you I knew that you had changed my life....forever. My perspective on life and death and happiness shifted because of you and the way that you lived and loved and hated. I love you. In a very real and visceral way even though I haven't touched you in over a year. I love you in a way that I don't think I have ever loved anyone including myself.

I hated all of the phonies at your funeral service that pretended to know and love you. I was so angry at your brother for his cavalier response to your death. I was furious that your friend wouldn't give me your ashes to fulfill your final wishes. And now I hate myself, because I can't let you go and give you exactly what you wanted. You're here in my house and all I want is to give you the final rest and peace you deserve and I keep putting it off. I always have an excuse for why I can't or why it's not a good time, but the truth is, I don't want to and I'm afraid to let you go. As soon as I give up your ashes, that's it.....it's over....you are the end of a chapter in my life and I have to make some decisions. Perhaps I will be able to do this by the end of the summer. I pray you will give me the strength.

I love you, always have and always will. You truly are one of my soul mates. A character in the play of my life that has made a profound and never ending impact that I will cherish forever. I will never be able to thank you enough for the joy you have given me and the lessons you have taught me all the way to the final one about what it means to be a good nurse and a loving soul mate. Forever and always....

when i die remember me for my fits of rage,

moments of despair and inconsolable

sorrow, my fits of nauseating laugter.

it is that which brought me to tears that is

worthy of remembering.

remember what drove me to work harder

and to lose my temper and share in a

vision for the world that i never truly

understood but hoped for.

it is in the blurry sight of hope where you

will see me best.

when i die tomorrow remember me for the

good and the bad. depict the gray and talk

about the never ending struggle between

good and evil; hope and despair; living and

surviving.

The memory of one well-lived is

complicated and messy when done right

and I pray everyday that I might be worthy

of such a true testimonial to the

Seriously....why do people suck so fucking much? Some days I just want to scream....get the fuck over yourself!! Could you try for one fucking second to not be such a raging douche cock? Pull your head out of your ass and you might actually see that other people in the world are trying or working on something and you are just a raging fucking asshole for no reason. 

Please miss me with your bullshit!!~~!~!!~!~!