Thinking Thots

I’m not sure how vulnerable I’m willing to go... I want to be as honest as possible, but there are still aspects of myself that I’m not willing to share. I think that’s okay. I don’t have to share myself with the whole world if I don’t want to. I’m allowed to keep aspects of myself just to myself, just for me. 

In today’s world, it’s difficult if not practically impossible for me to watch a show that does not have a single shred of romance in it. From child to teen to adult shows and films, some form of romantic affection is portrayed and I’m often feeling uncomfortable and slightly...disappointed that I have not succeed in that range of my life. If there’s nothing in moving image media the proves its all fake and unrealistic, its the frequency people jump in and out of relationships on screen. 

But those girls look amazing. And the men look...I don’t even know how to describe it. They look so good, I doubt they would ever go for a girl like me. I feel gross and ugly. Ugh...It takes a lot of work to look that good. Ugh...

I finally decided to start seriously working on my podcast. But I feel scared. I feel scared to put myself out there publicly and for the world to know what I think and feel. Which is wild considering I do it on this blog all the time AND that this is supposed to be something that I have always wanted, putting my voice out there in my artwork. But it’s different...It’s different when it’s just my words and my voice and people KNOW that it’s me. This blog is anonymous for me and it makes it so much easier for me to just write everything out because 1. I feel like nobody actually reads it and 2. I’m ANONYMOUS. I’m not going to be anonymous for my podcast, but I am going to change the names of people for their own privacy. I also won’t reveal information about them that is kept private, but I will share my side of the story and my own perspective. Oh my gawd, why am I so scared to do this? Now more than ever, it’s important that I get this going because if Tik Tok really is banned, I need to transfer those followers over ASAP. Or all of that follower building was for fucking nothing. 

What I don’t need right now, is for Tik Tok to be banned. I have been slowly building my following up to 16.3k as of today. I have been planning and working on projects so I can transfer my following from Tik Tok to my other social media platforms like youtube. But if they ban the app before I get to that part of my plan, I will be pissed. Just when I thought that July would be fine and nothing bad would happen, this shit fucking happens. I hope they don’t actually ban Tik Tok. Things have been going so well for me a on a social media end. There’s too many people who have built their brands and careers around Tik Tok, and for the government to seriously consider removing it is going to fuck some shit up seriously. 

I’ve made out with a few white guys, but they weren’t my dream white guy. The guys I used to crush on in elementary school in middle school. Instead they were the nerdy, fat, weirdos that just so happened to be attracted to me, and my self esteem was low enough to make out with them just because they were there and they wanted me. In my mind, my dream white guy is tall, dark haired, in shape, and if we’re really lucky, he’ll have a cute little beauty mark on his face. He’ll have a deep voice with a slight rasp to it, and a smile that belongs on a ken doll. But...guys like that don’t seem to go for girls like me. At least in my own personal experience. I’m that cool, nerdy, artsy girl who is always fun to talk to and kick it with, but never anything more. That’s all my relationship and life has ever been. I’m not sure if that will ever change...I believe it will. Maybe one day, I’ll get to live out my white guy fantasy. The fantasy that 7 year old me has been waiting a long time for. 

The type of writing that I’m interested in though...I guess blog, screenplay, and novel. I’m not interested in journalism; just doesn’t seem like my cup of tea. I don’t believe it’s egotistical to say that I care more about my own imagination and opinions then writing about other things that are going on.