THE UNKNOWN DIVINE

Today was my 19th birthday (July 7), and it feels weird to say that admittedly. This year was full of so many struggles that I couldn't comprehend on my own, and part of that was finally getting diagnosed with long-term depression. Which was so healing, especially after fighting to be taken seriously in this piss-poor American health system, so I wanted to take a moment—to acknowledge how hard it was in general to continue this year. I was so bitter for the better half of it because no one was listening to me, and I could only rely on socializing with friends to make me feel somewhat better, before going back to the reality of breaking down—because I was so afraid of this abhorrent feeling in my gut that talked down to me.

Now, I'm not really bitter—although, sometimes I still am towards this healthcare system, but when it comes to me and my personal life, I'm not. Especially because, I chose to push through and continue finding peace in the small moments, and part of that was haunting the inbox of my fellow friends on here, and starting a somewhat consistent zine to journal all my thoughts—so that people who are interested could see them, and could somewhat give me an excuse to talk to myself, without looking crazy.

I just wanted to say my piece out loud, especially since I know we all struggle with our own problems, and often feel alone in this horrible world that doesn't have enough joy for everyone.

I love my friends so much, and you guys are probably gonna get SICK of me with how much I'm gonna be in your inboxes + showing love to all your posts because I love reading everything and anything you guys have to say, even if it's from the sidelines.

+ I'm working on some fun stuff that's just so silly. and makes me laugh!!

She had a smile on her face that told the world she was in love with you, that nothing could bring her down as long as she was with you.

But things changed, people changed.

it was no longer your job to carry the weight of Abby's sins on your shoulders.

Now it was Owen's job, who would be assisted by the white slippers that Abby had found in her late mother's closet.

And all you could do was watch.

Watch as Abby became the wife of some man she had promised to never marry in a field full of daisys.

Watch as Abby smiled through the ceremony and kissed Owen like you had never existed in her life—like you hadn't promised your heart to her.

Watch through the eyes of somebody else as she found yours through a sea of people and her smile warped into one of guilt.

—You smiled and nodded every time someone asked you, "aren't they perfect?"

But you could barely stand to look at them, or else, the makeup on your face would end up in ruins—just like your relationship with Abby had.

"Y/n-"No. No, no, no, not Abby's father.."- Look at you! The last time I saw you, Abby and you were graduating college!" Jerry smiled and pulled you into a tight hug, as if he was trying to squeeze all the sadness out of you with it.

"How are you doing?" He asked, patting your back.

You put on your best fake smile, finding the courage to make it seem believable. "Okay, I guess. What about you?"

Jerry replied. "I'm glad to hear you're doing okay, I'm fine, as well-Physically, of course. On the outside, I'm an emotional wreck-"

Me too, Jerry.

"—I can't believe my little girl is married."

And there was your reminder, that Abby Anderson was no longer yours to keep.

No longer allowed to be the one star that shined too bright in your eyes as you stared up at the sky.

You frowned, looking back at the sweetheart table that obnoxiously featured Owen handfeeding Abby cake from his plate.

Your shoulders shrugged without your consent. "Yeah, I...I never pictured her getting married, Y'know?"

"I'm surprised that Abby chose Nora as her best woman—Abby and you were so close...she talked about you all the time, over the phone, and when she came home to visit too."

Your eyebrows furrowed, your 11's becoming noticeable as you stared at Jerry.

"She did?"

He watched Abby take the dance floor with Owen as Sleeping At Last's Turning Page played; The bride & Groom's first dance.

"Abby talked about you for hours over the phone, it was like you had hung the moon for her—It's funny, The way Owen looks at her, was the way Abby looked, when talking about you, y/n."

The back of your throat burned—You couldn't process the remainder of Jerry's words as the sight of Owen and Abby dancing blurred beyond the point of recognition.

Abby had talked about you? To Jerry?

Even after everything?

Your hands felt cold as you touched your face, wiping away the tears that seemed to come out of nowhere.

Every moment from that last summer replayed in your head—it weakened your knees and the wall behind you was barely enough to keep you from falling.

You swallowed the hurt that was rising from your chest, again and again, like your mind was supposed to magically get rid of it.

But like everything else in your life, it won and forced you to excuse yourself to the bathroom.

You barely made it, collapsing in the private bathroom as the hurt finally came out of your mouth, barely reaching the toilet in milliseconds.

The sobs left your throat in awkward pauses between the bile, the sage green dress you wore was only a dark reminder of the hell you were stuck in.

The matching initial hand towels were worse.

You vomited thrice.

One for the regret of that last summer.

one for the special occasion.

And one from the mere fantasy you had conjured up in your head, that included you replacing Owen on the dance floor for Abby's first dance.

Your heels had been kicked off long ago, spread out across the white tile like a mockery of your mental state, a quid pro quo that added to the oh so romantic thoughts in your head.

"y/n...are you in there?" You shivered over the toilet, goosebumps appearing on your forearms.

"It's a—it's me."

b's note: #baby's first abby fic!! with # slight (big) comphet! abby... anyways I'm surprised at how good this turned out, especially since I wrote this on a WHIM while listening to music at 1 am😭so that's why it's more in reader's perspective than anything else, and just mentionsbof abby's behavior! please do tell me what you think about this, even if i say it's a whim, cause I love hearing feedback! I am EXTREMELY sick tho so it will take me a hot minute to read thru all asks😭