Top ten quotes from law school, week one:
âSo the rules thus far are âdonât be lateâ and âdonât be absent from class,â unless you are absent because of circumstances outside your control. In that case, notify me before class. If I walk in here and you are not in your seat, and I donât already know why that is the case⌠I will assume that you are dead. We will hold a brief service in your memory and then continue on, as we know you would want.â
âYeah I mean if you donât know the answer thatâs fine, but Iâm gonna make you pick the next person I call on. Itâs a social experiment I run. I like to see if people pick their friends or their enemies. Wildly amusing. Anyway, be prepared for that.â
âSo as the plaintiffâs counsel, you review all the possible venues and pick the one thatâs the fairest to everyoneâŚ.. haaaaahahaha Iâm just kidding. You rig the court in your favor as much as you possibly can.â
âYouâre supposed to go to a basement during a tornado. Why donât y'all have basements?â âCanât watch from a basementâ âYouâre going to dieâ
âMy own law professor once described admiralty jurisdiction as âshit that happens on boatsâ so [writes âboat shitâ on the board]â
âSo then Congress gave itself a raise and America shouted, âGive it back you evil bastards!!!â so loudly that they did.â
âI will provide you with pizza. For beverages, youâre on your own, but please abide by Baylor policy. Which is that we canât have FUN.â
âAnd WHAT do we find outside the cities????? C O W Sâ
âAll the desks on the third floor are reserved for 3Ls in practice court. Since youâre dying like, 100% of the time, they kindly give you a place to die. Sometimes you can see the lost souls wandering past the balconiesâŚ.â
[makes a list of twenty-four things that could go wrong] [writes TRUMP in all caps as number twenty-five]
Round two:
âYou donât want conservatives! You want someone that will redistribute a little wealth! Get some commies! But donât ask for them out loud, or it wonât end well.â
âOccasionally someone will walk into your office and start with âwell just as a matter of principleâŚâ and that right there? Thatâs when you pull out your extra-strength Advil, because it will be a long day.â
âYou can walk into a restaurant and just say, âI want tea.â Sweet is implied! If you donât want it sweet, itâs âtea, hold the sugar,â and I like that!â
âMy biggest goal is to die in Texas. When Gabrielâs trumpet blows, I will be resurrected from Texas dirt⌠if at all. Depends on his standards.â
âAnd I say, âHow much will you pay me?â and they say âa shitload!â And I say, âhow much is a shitload?â and what do you know? Our definitions matchâ
âSo you see that itâs an unincorporated association, and your reaction to that should be âshit!â That is absolutely the proper reaction. Thatâs a good reaction.â
âYou know itâs not perjury if you cross your fingers, right?â
âI would definitely shank someone for pizza.â
âRight now youâre⌠youâre lawyer larvae. I have a sense for these things.â
âSo obviously Congress sprang into action. Why are you laughing? Oh yeah, BECAUSE ITâS BEEN A QUARTER CENTURYâ
Round three:
âAnd by that I mean CRAC, the acronym, not c-r-a-c-k as in crack. Although I was a defense attorney for a long time, so if you want to know how to make crack, we can cover that in a side session. Itâs good information. Very interesting.â
âAnd then I file a complaint against my employer for discriminating against me as a white, Anglo-Saxon protestant. You know⌠[sarcastically] the historically discriminated against crewâ
âListen, I like money. Itâs the love of money thatâs the root of all evil. You can like it just fine.â
âWith the well-pleaded complaint rule, we take a scalpel and we carve out the cause of action. We lift it out of the body, bleeding! It is BLEEDING in your hands! You hold it in front of your face and you ask it, âWHO CREATED YOU?â [groaning] âA federal law.â âTHEN YOU ARE A FEDERAL CASE!â If itâs a state case, you cast it, still-beating, aside. And stomp on it.â
[with deep respect] âYou would make a really good anarchistâ
âBeaumont? Howâs your family doing?â âPretty well. I mean, everything is underwater, but itâs fine.â
âYour argument is what? âYou canât make that much money because it isnât fair?â This is America. Fair doesnât matter.â
âWe need ONLY one more thing: someone rich to sue. Can she help us?? We donât know⌠until she describes one word on the side of that truckâŚ. âWalmart.â CHA  C H I N G (donât say that part out loud)! Whatâs forty percent of thirty million?? TWELVE MILLION. Forty percent is the ONLY math I can do in my head, because that is PRIVATE JET MONEY, BABY! The ONLY POINT of being rich is to HAVE A PRIVATE JET, because THOSE THAT DO can MANIPULATE TIME. As you can see, I am passionate on this point.â
âSee this is a tough question because legislators are supposed to make laws, but how would you know that? They havenât done it in YEARS.â
âListen I donât condone murder-suicide, but like⌠I feel it.â












