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@thingsimostlyregretwriting-blog1
The sky is really fucking blue, my muscles are very sore, somehow I will get out of bed, i'm worried yesterday I was 2 negative and revealed 2 much of the negative side of my crazy split thoughts and feels on that situations and didn't describe or explain myself in any of the complex ways I wanted to, but I am tired, and I am crazy, and does it even matter at all idk im hungry I gotta stop eating cigarettes and facebook 4 breakfast so far this morning I have eaten neither
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We talked about other things first before I launched into that, honestly. (Altho I still am that kind of dump on ppl and smack a 'anyway how r u' on the end occasionally, hopefully rarely, I really try not to.) She even messaged me first! Friends! Wow. Also tumblr is telling me I have 12 msgs which I find a bit hard to believe and its not letting me open them so uh just throwing that out there on the offchance someone messaged me.
Today I got up at 8:30am and eventually was outside in the sun for most of 7 hours. I tried to spread manure and did some but not much because [insert long boring ramble about food restriction things and medication things and shakiness and rapid weight loss and winter bed riddenness and muscle loss.] I wrote bits of blog posts in my head in circles all day while worrying and disassociating and trying to not fall over and shake too much. That's sort of from the dawning realizations that like I think probs a bunch of ppl in my hometown scene (which was always a possibility/suspicion but is being sort of confirmed, thanks I guess?) have read this and wondering how to/whether to deal with/address that but also largely because of the aforementioned body problems, major one of which is some joke that goes some silly like "a pack a day keeps the [something not that funny] away."
Uh
Yesterday I read some Scientific American Mind Article about schizophrenia that described it in a way that made me think I had it. But then I was like no, my perceptions are real. Then I was like are they though? Then I was like, stop being melodramatic, who cares, this is exhausting and TERRIBLE for yr mental health, text some friends, and go to sleep even tho you've only been awake for five hours.
Oh my god I need to be up in 7 and a half hours.
Anyway, this has been another talking to myself diary entry for who knows what purpose. Maybe one day I will say the things I think I feel like I maybe want or need to say and maybe I will say them in a way that doesn't suck but today is not that day. Or maybe I will delete my blog instead. But I have confused conflicted messy feelings about sort of wanting to maintain my long time mutualships and e-space here on the one hand and then also confused conflicted messy feelings about ethics (and I feel like that word carries meanings outside of common use I don't understand that I might not mean to infer) and ~accountability and how to properly go about that (which I have a lot of thoughts about I thought about all day and began dealing with this weekend and should refrain from impulse rambling on rn) ... so maybs not, idk.
Altho another common thought: are the times my stupid fucking blog posts helped keep me alive worth the absolute total disintegration in mental health it has contributed to these past few months? Like. Hmm. .....yeah
Anyways. Lol that I impulso phone blogged this under a fucking leo dicaprio jpeg. after composing ideas for drafts for proper writing id actually take time with and edit all day then getting home and being like nope too burnt out will just scroll for a while avoid most of the internet world and go 2 bed. Like. Really. I am much too much.
roberta!!!!!!!
she did that .
omfg
I’m roberta
when you start laughing at something on your computer and everyone wants to see what it is
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I wrote a thing that was partially like I want to think and edit more before writing and post impulsively less esp bc I cant always edit on mobile lol but it got long and this is all im lvg for now:
I have been right about at least one thing in my life:
This past fall I said I would go really crazy if I didn’t get a job by the winter. And into the spring even!
I have a lot to think about and I also need to get my shit together fast to go spread manure.
Lol esp at jones soda caps I get to spread manure for a few hours tmo thank god
I have no idea how to perform anything url or irl but mostly I should be outside and I am sitting outside but I should have left the house by now I was going to at like 11
I didnt go to the free dental clinic but I should have. I said I was gonna go to tim hortons and for a walk then get a haircut
I did call the community health centre to try to book w my therapist. I got the answering machine again.
I have eaten a food and am drinking a coffee.
I spent like all day downtown yesterday after crashing at my friends which was gud. I didnt really do anything, just hung at her place til mid aft then wandered around, got a coffee and food and stared at my phone then sat by water and smoked and loitered on wifi in a bathroom then wandered more and got a jones soda saying id srsly consider a move by yrs end and then smoked in an alleyway for a while then went to a music store and I typed out dialogue notes while smoking in a parking lot after and was gonna make it kinda funny and also with more context and potential self critical insight and compassion for the other person but basically I took a bass guitar down and the middle aged woman?person (owner?) yelled at me and I was apolegetic at first but she kept going and when I walked out the door I said fuck you so I can never go back whoops
Yeah then I loitered in a parking lot then went to another convenience store then hung out in the library bathroom then walked home (and stopped at another convenience store and blazed a bit of the friend hang leftovers behind a church and smoked on an overpass and went to a&w then looked at tumblr and maybe fb but not rly maybe not then slept)
And then today was like up early! Walk to tims! Beach! Haircut!
And that fell apart a bit but hey its still light out and ive already got my coat on
Oh yeah was googling chords, the only thing I wanna sing rn is this but probs abt the identity crisis that never ends but honestly thats probably annoying idk
The tim hortons is hiring
“Oh, you want the whole result page? I dunno if that really fits my aesthetic…”
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"Your blogging is your most self destructive aspect," she says, after I try to explain "Can I quote you saying that on my blog?" She puts her hands over her face then googles facepalm
U can really tell who’s been on tumblr more than four years because we all give up on networks and promos and our blogs become bizarre collections of obscure art and documentation of bad life choices
He came home w me and I read him that post and he was fine was it and I asked him if I could blog this and he said yes
I was like im not gonna drunk blog abt this kinda shit anymore bc ppl read this (ESP bc I think my MOTHER read 30 pages of it ??? I borrowed her ipad and it died and it gave it back without clearing tabs and deleting history) Anyway lol I was gonna change my url back to humiliationsfree before bloggging again but I can't do this kinda shit without blogging... One of my kinks is running into guys on the street btwn the bank the pay phone and he asks me for directions to a karoake bar then asks me what im doing and im like just took out cash to call speedy and hes like this drive speedy but I wanna go to this karoake bar how are you getting home so then I go w him and he works for works for geeksquad and omg he just asked me if im on fb lol fuck and mansplains pool angles toe and makes me sing bon jonvi karoakr and we overshare a buncha shit w eaxh other and I havrnt done this kinda shit in SOOOOOOOO LONG ANd its So fun ND HoNestly ITZ FINE even tho I knooooo u guyzzz r reading this (and maybe my mom? But no statcounter hitz for her since sunday) Ok he said if im not put of the batheoom in 2 mins hes lvg THIS IS FINE ITS BEEN SO LONG
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Validation worksheets from DBT
