I am lost in my mind

I don’t feel like anyone would take me seriously because I’ve been, pejoratively, “chronically suicidal” for like ten years. But with each year it basically gets worse and worse and I’m just wondering where my threshold is when I just finally cannot take it anymore. In the span of the past year I’ve sat alone and picked up a loaded gun (I don’t regularly handle guns), just thinking how easy it would be. And that’s not the method I’d use. I’ve known exactly how I’m going to do it for a long time. Painless, peaceful, clean, and tiny chance of error. And I have several notes to my loved ones on my computer. I still can’t bear to write one to my mom. I can’t bear to think how much it would destroy her inside. I feel like that’s the only thing stopping me sometimes.

Thank you

little talks like this with my boyfriend happen often and it just feels nice

existence is pain

Always.

Thank you. I don't want to either.

My whole body has ben in pain for days. My back is just as bruised along with my legs. Both elbows and wrists and arms and shoulders and hands. I hurt and it just makes me cry that I can do this kind of shit to myself. 

But the thoughts just get so hard to deal with so often.

I literally cannot stop crying.

I'm so proud of myself. Second semester of grad school and keeping up my A streak.