Mads

⭑

You woke up to a feeling that you felt you hadn’t woken up to in ages. In truth, being without JJ in weeks—close to months—did feel like ages to you, and you couldn’t swallow down the gasp that escaped you when he swiped his tongue between your folds again. His calloused fingers were pressed into your thighs, holding them in place while he ate you out.

It took you an embarrassing amount of time to gather your thoughts.

You realized that the ceiling you were staring up at wasn’t yours but instead Rafe’s, your boyfriend, and your heart skipped a beat as you recalled the previous night. You hissed when JJ gently nipped at the sensitive skin between your thighs, and you absentmindedly twisted your fingers into his hair. When you sighed his name, he hummed against you, the vibration making you whimper.

You wondered just how long JJ had been tasting you, but judging how wet you were, you gathered that you woke up in the height of it, stomach already twisting into knots. You couldn’t find it in yourself to be mad at the generous wake up call, but you were positive you’d feel differently in about thirty minutes.

Just when you were about to tumble over the edge, JJ pulled his lips away from you, pressing a sloppy kiss to your folds one last time before crawling up your frame. You threw your head back as he kissed his way up your body, pressing quick pecks to your chest and neck before finally covering your lips with his own. He hummed into it, and you joined him, so caught up in being with him again that you forgot all about the panic of last night and why.

You opened your legs for JJ without hesitation, moaning into the kiss when he filled you up, stretching you out and wasting no time before driving his hips into yours. You clung to him, nails pressing into his skin and gasping into his mouth as he fucked you. It was like you couldn’t get close enough, wanting to feel him against you at all times.

You didn’t want to miss him, but you did, and somewhere in the back of your mind you knew this couldn’t happen again. Maybe that’s why you allowed yourself to bask in it so much. This was never supposed to happen in the first place, but even you had to admit that the way you ended things was a little harsh. It hadn’t felt real—finished—and had certainly been abrupt. 

This though…

This felt real.

You lifted your hips to meet his every thrust, just wanting him in you again and again, and it was JJ’s turn to groan when you lifted your head to kiss his neck and jaw. This was a whole new level of wrong and disrespectful, but you told yourself that was something you’d have to come to terms with later. Rafe was out of town and so far away and JJ was…so hard to say no to.

You didn’t know if his determination to be with you was arousing or terrifying.

Possibly a little bit of both.

The bed jostled from his movements as he pushed his cock into you again and again, the wet sound reaching your ears, skin heating up from both embarrassment and other things. As he pressed kisses to your face, you glanced down, lips parted and transfixed by the sight of him disappearing inside of you. You couldn’t pull your eyes away, and watching him fuck you had that coil in your stomach tightening again.

“That’s it, princess,” JJ murmured against your skin. “Come all over me…”

You did, pressing your teeth into your lip as you tensed beneath him, nails digging into his back. JJ didn’t stop moving, fucking you through it and chasing his own climax. His skin slapped against yours, and you gasped, unable to keep quiet as you continued to tremble beneath him just as you felt him spilling into you.

You hugged him to you and he pressed his teeth into your shoulder and your hips started to slow, lazily meeting his equally slow thrusts. His heavy breathing was loud in your ear, and soon that was the only sound in the room. It was early in the morning—the sun just barely starting to peek over the horizon—and you couldn’t be more grateful for that.

As you laid beneath JJ, the full weight of what you’d done started to really hit you, and you squeezed your eyes shut. JJ finally pulled out of you and rolled over onto his back, his shoulder brushing yours, and you brought your hands up to your face. A myriad of emotions was hitting you at once but above all else, shame was hitting you the hardest.

Rafe was an abusive asshole who almost killed you on more than one occasion. He’d raped you and left you broken and bleeding too many times to count, and yet…you still felt like the lowest of the low for having sex with someone else in his bed. You abruptly sat up, and you could feel JJ’s eyes on you.

“What’s wrong?” he quietly asked, reaching out to brush his finger down your back.

The laugh you let out wasn’t humorous in the slightest.

“Are you seriously asking me that, right now?”

You turned to look at him with a frown, and when JJ seemed to read your mind, he only rolled his eyes.

“You’re never going to get me to feel bad for Rafe. Ever,” he told you. “So stop trying.”

“JJ, I…” you chuckled again, tears in your eyes as you gestured around. “Seriously? This is pretty low, even for us.”

“...and it’s still more than that asshole deserves.”

You pressed your lips together, holding the sheet to you as JJ sat up. He cradled your face between his hands, and you let him.

“I missed you–I miss you, and where we are doesn’t mean anything to me.”

“JJ–.”

“You just decided that we’re over. I got no say,” JJ bit out. “None, and you look at me like that because I don’t care about anything but being with you again?”

You pulled away from him at that, slipping out of bed and looking for anything to throw on. You could feel the blonde’s gaze on you, and you grimaced as you pulled one of Rafe’s shirts over your head. You resisted the urge to sigh, knowing that this next conversation wasn’t going to be enjoyable.

“That was the last time, JJ.”

All that met you was silence, and you chanced a look at him, quickly looking away.

“This can’t happen again, and I’m so serious,” you whispered.

JJ stared at you for a while, and when you looked at him again, you watched him pull his lip between his teeth before standing with a huff. He didn’t respond to you, only swiftly pulling on his pants as you just…stared at him.

“JJ…”

You watched a smile dance across his lips, and for some reason it brought you no comfort. He glanced at you just before picking up the t-shirt he’d had on, and you did sigh this time.

“I’m serious, JJ.”

“Sure,” he drawled, shaking out the shirt.

“I mean it,” you bit out.

He lifted his gaze to meet yours, and you two stared at one another for what felt like a long time. JJ eventually dragged his gaze over you—slowly—and you hated it, crossing your arms over your chest and shifting on your feet. When his eyes met yours again, they seemed darker now—colder—and while you understood JJ’s frustration, you knew that one of you had to do the right thing.

You were frustrated too!

JJ was genuinely one of the few good things in your life, and it wasn’t like you relished having to give him up, but it was dangerous. Dangerous and unfair. You were never leaving Rafe—he’d never let you—and what was JJ supposed to do while you played the public role of Rafe Cameron’s wife? Was he supposed to stay single and only available for you? Even worse, was he supposed to pursue his own relationships while still sneaking around with you?

The thought of dragging JJ along in this was bad enough. You couldn’t stomach the idea of involving anyone else in your mess, and you didn’t get how JJ didn’t get that.

“Sure,” he eventually repeated in that same tone as before.

You brushed past him, opening Rafe’s door and gesturing for him to get out. He wasn’t moving nearly fast enough, but you refused to look at him while he decided when he wanted to finally leave. You kept your gaze on the floor while he moved by you, and you could feel his eyes on you the whole time.

Your efforts to close the door though were thwarted.

“You might wear his ring,” he whispered, a soft and bitter chuckle escaping him. “You might even go through with this and wear his name one day…”

You finally lifted your eyes to look at him, and he shook his head at you, palm of his hand pressed to the door.

“...but you’ll always belong to me.”

His blue eyes softened some as he said that, and you sharply inhaled.

“I’m the first person you let in, I’m the one who reminded you how good things can be, and I’m the one you ran to whenever he hurt you…”

You swallowed, bringing your hand up to your neck. JJ leaned in, looking between your eyes as he did.

“...and I mean it when I say I would rather die than watch you give into this.”

JJ wasn't…completely wrong, and you blinked back tears. You didn’t relish giving him up at all, but Kie had talked sense into you, and you couldn’t undo it. When he reached for you, you flinched, but he pulled you closer anyway, and you kept your eyes open as he pressed his lips to your forehead.

“We can be over, that’s fine…” he sounded anything but fine about it. “...but I’m not giving up on you.”

His words stirred conflicting feelings in your chest, but you didn’t have time to dissect that.

The house was so quiet that the gasp down the hall sounded like glass breaking to your ears. The sun had risen a bit more now, some light bleeding through the windows of the house and Rafe’s bedroom, so Sarah’s face and figure was plain as day as she stood just near the stairs. She looked like she’d been coming from her room, heading downstairs, but something had obviously stopped her in her tracks.

Her wide eyes at the sight before her no doubt matched your own.

You could only imagine what this looked like—JJ half naked and you not too much better, standing too close together in a compromising position coming out of Rafe’s room. Your lips parted as she just stared, and your heart dropped to your stomach when the blonde girl merely turned to go down the stairs without saying a word.

You couldn’t push JJ away from you fast enough, and when you looked at his face, he looked just as sick as you felt.

“Don’t… Let me handle this,” you breathed, moving to get by him.

He wrapped a hand around your arm, stopping you, but you shook him off.

“JJ, please, just let me… Give us a minute, just give us a minute,” you rushed out, stumbling over your feet as you followed after Sarah.

Every step down the stairs felt heavier than the one before, and you could see that the kitchen light was on. You didn’t think your life could get more hectic than the past few weeks, but the past 24 hours have been attempting to take the cake. Sarah was both your friend and your fiance’s sister, and she’d just caught you in a questionable moment with herbest friend.

In all of this, you’d never considered that this day would come. It was silly, but it was the truth. You thought that you and JJ would be long over by the time this could even become a conversation—if at all. However, if you had to imagine this conversation, you would’ve never imagined that you’d be having it with the knowledge of Rafe’s true nature out in the open between you.

As you stepped into the kitchen, you had a feeling that you and Sarah would be having the very talk you still weren’t quite ready for.

You knew that she knew you were there, but she didn’t acknowledge you. She looked like she’d been in the middle of making something to eat when she just…stopped. Her hands were on the counter as well as her gaze as she just stood there. The silence between you two stretched, and the longer it did, the more nervous you became. You approached the island, standing opposite of Sarah as you rested your hands on the countertop too.

You looked her over as she continued to stare at the granite.

“Please, say something.”

Those were the first words out of your mouth after what felt like entirely too long, and you watched Sarah’s shoulders lift up and down. When she finally lifted her gaze, she looked up towards the ceiling.

“I…don’t know what to say,” she whispered.

“Anything,” you whispered back.

She finally looked at you, and you couldn’t quite tell what she was feeling or thinking.

“You say something.”

You opened and closed your mouth at that, shifting on your feet.

“I know what that looked like,” you slowly said, starting off with the most cliche excuse in the world.

Sarah took a deep breath.

“...like my abusive brother drove you into my best friend’s arms?”

Your shoulders sagged and you glanced away.

“Yeah,” you mumbled. “Like that.”

You heard Sarah heave a rough sigh, and you watched her press her elbows to the counter, hands tangled into her hair.

“This is so messed up,” she eventually whispered, moreso to herself it seemed. “Like…really messed up.”

“I know–.”

“No, you don’t,” she sadly said, straightening. “I mean you do…but you don’t…”

You and Sarah looked at each other, and she looked so…troubled.

“I should be mad at you. I should be pissed because yeah, you’re my friend, but Rafe is still my brother,” she told you. “We fight like siblings do, but he’s my brother, and you’re cheating on him.”

She threw her hands out towards you like she still couldn’t believe it, shaking her head.

“...but he’s not just my brother, is he? He’s an abusive piece of shit who hurts you and has done things to you that JJ couldn’t even bring himself to tell me about,” she tearfully continued. “...and I find out you’re sneaking around behind his back, and I can’t even bring myself to be mad about it. I can't even bring myself to blame you…”

She defeatedly sighed.

“...and it’s all his fault.”

You didn’t know what to say to any of that.

“I mean…I blame me.”

Sarah actually made a face at that, staring at you.

“Why?”

You didn’t have a good answer, and she scoffed.

“I saw what he did to you. I saw your back, remember…”

She trailed off, her words dying in the air, and the atmosphere became much thicker as you both approached the elephant in the room.

“JJ said it’s been going on for a long time.”

Sarah’s voice was quiet, and you sighed, tracing patterns into the countertop with your finger.

“Since my 19th birthday,” you honestly replied.

Her gasp made you look up, and it was a look you never wanted to see on Sarah’s face.

“What?” she whispered. “That long?”

She continued before you could get another word out.

“He’s been hurting you for two years now and…you never… I mean, none of us…none of us knew…”

“Sarah, he puts up a good front. You know that just as well as I do,” you said, trying to make her feel better.  “I mean my own parents think that he takes care of me better than they do.”

Sarah looked like she was going to be sick, and she slowly paced in front of you. So much was going on all over her face, but you could tell that she was going over so many interactions and incidents in her mind.

“JJ was right…wasn’t he?” she breathed. “He did put you in the hospital…didn’t he?”

You didn’t need to answer, and you watched Sarah wipe her face.

“All this time I thought… I didn’t realize what he was doing to you,” she choked out, a hand on her hip, and you rounded the counter.

“Sarah, you didn’t know…”

“...and that’s my point! I could’ve just kept my big mouth shut. And to think you had to sit there and listen to me tear into your relationship over and over again, but I just thought…”

She shook her head, wiping her face again.

“I’m sorry,” she cried. “I’m really sorry, I didn’t know…”

You both pulled each other into a hug at the same time, comforting each other for different reasons. Sarah cried into your shoulder, her guilt eating her up no matter how much you tried to reassure her that she didn’t do anything wrong. When she finally pulled away from you, she studied your face, her ears teary.

“Do you love him…?”

Her question caught you off guard because you weren’t talking about Rafe anymore.

You completely separated from her, biting your lip and leaning against the counter.

“I don’t know,” you honestly answered. 

She frowned at you, and you knew why. Risking your life for someone you might not even love? It was a lot of things, but smart wasn’t one of them.

“I love being with him,” you slowly said, in disbelief that you were having this conversation with Sarah. “I love how I feel when I’m with him…”

“...but…?”

Now it was your turn to cry, blinking back tears as you shook your head.

“I can’t…I can’t love him, Sarah,” you said, looking at her. “I can’t.”

The pity in her eyes made the tears spill over.

“Rafe would kill me.”

The words were almost inaudible, like saying them out loud would make them come true.

“...and I’m not just saying that. That’s not something I say lightly…”

Sarah’s face fell at that, and you watched her swallow.

“You don’t know,” you dragged the word out. “You don’t understand how…scary he gets…”

You wiped your face, and Sarah looked nauseous.

“You don’t know how bad it’s gotten,” you whispered. “The things he’s done to me, the things he’s said to me–I mean look what he’s turned me into,” you tearfully spat. “This isn’t me, Sarah.”

“I know,” she said, nodding.

“I’m not a cheater. I don’t sneak around behind his back and sleep with other guys and have full blown relationships with someone other than my boyfriend.”

Sarah nodded, reaching out to you.

“That’s not who I am…but it is. That’s who I am, now–.”

“It’s not… That’s not the same,” she reassured you. “You’re in a relationship with someone who hurts you, who terrifies you. He’s put you in the hospital, and God knows what else.”

You sniffed.

“When I saw you and JJ…I was a lot of things, but mad wasn’t one of them…”

You slowly met her gaze.

“I mean…maybe for a second? But then I remembered that Rafe beats you up,” she bitterly said. “...and how in the world could I be mad at you for finding comfort with someone who doesn’t?”

There was a brief pause.

“He doesn’t, right?”

You chuckled at that, shaking your head.

“No. He doesn’t…”

“Good,” Sarah said with a nod.

“He does scare me, sometimes though,” you continued, and she tilted her head. “He’s just so…much.”

You sniffed again as she nodded.

“That sounds like JJ,” she murmured.

There was another stretch of silence.

“I broke up with him.”

Sarah’s eyes widened, and you continued before she could ask why.

“It’s dangerous and unfair to him and… It just wasn’t smart,” you wiped your face. “Last night wasn’t supposed to happen. We’re…we’re over.”

Sarah worriedly eyed you as you nodded.

“...and I’m never leaving Rafe.”

She pressed her lips together at that, and you could tell that she wanted to cry.

“We can dream about it and talk about it as much as we want, but the truth is I’m never leaving him, and that’s so unfair to JJ.”

You looked at her again.

“Right…?”

She eventually nodded.

“Y-yeah.”

“I can never be with him in the right way, so…”

You shrugged, leaning against the counter as you stared past Sarah.

You kept telling yourself that it was unfair and dangerous, and both of those things were true, but that didn’t stop you from wishing they weren’t. You pressed your fingers to your mouth, staring at the tile behind the sink, and you took a deep shaky breath when your eyes watered again.

“...but I really want to be.”

You covered your face just as Sarah wrapped her arms around you, and you couldn’t stop crying once you started again. You’d had no one to talk to about JJ, and the irony of Sarah being the first person you could was not lost on you. JJ acted like he was the only one who didn’t want to end this, but you would never want to end the only thing that brought you happiness lately.