c’est comme ça

we're not alone in this room so many things we need to talk about i know you feel it too but it's easier to drown in doubt and tiptoe around the subject burning bridges just to avoid rejection oh i know you feel it too there are elephants in all of the corners

oh i wish i still knew you as well i did on july eleventh i'm sure i'll love the new you you just gotta let me give it a try oh no the elephants are closing in i think they want me to address them oh i think i see through you can you see me too?

i remember when it was just you and me til i fucked around and got so jaded took our love and dipped it in melancholy turned myself into someone you hated i remember when i used to spend the night laying by you talking into the sunrise now i can't remember your eyes it feels so crazy

so i ask God what the fuck was that? how could you take my love without giving it back? used to cry but now there's nothing left how can i move on without my baby? every time i try, i fall apart without a light, how can i make it through the dark? can i even be alive without a heart? oh God, give me back my baby give me back my baby

my thoughts are racing while i'm pacing now i'm feeling dizzy inside my head there's words unsaid feels like the room is spinning should i address it? should i suppress it? i could express it; the indecision's got me sinking so terrified of saying something wrong that i sat there and said nothing at all i couldn't even give you a call i feel so crazy

i met you standing in the road all alone with eyes gone cold trying to choose which way to go with no regards at all for your untamed soul

so i stood there too and held your hand and told you all about my plan to teach your heartbeat how to dance and show you that it’s safe to love again

it was a deconstructed mockery a Wretched dark debauchery but it was ours and you are mine

so we saddled up and headed west all at my humble request and you did the thing that you do best: you simply followed me with no protest and your heart beat out chest

so you gnashed your teeth and tried to fight you ran away into the night and i followed just to give you light until you turned and told me i was too bright  that i blinded your eyes

it was a deconstructed mockery a Wretched dark debauchery but it was ours and you are mine

there's something supernatural about the way we intertwine, body soul and mind and i hate to sound irrational but when i look into your eyes, i think i see my life flashing right in front of mine i think i see the light

it's you steady haunting all the chambers of my heart i might be screwed i'm having trouble breathing when we're apart now i think i've been possessed would you help me call the exorcist? i'm latching onto you you're my pretty little apparition

there's something paranormal it just gets so hard to define, this feeling is divine and i hate to be so formal but when i look at you, i see my wife you look so good i wanna die but leaving you would be a crime

you're like a specter there expecting more affection and sure i'm just the fool that's cool to spook and leave here trembling it's true i'll love you even when we're buried deep and left to decay you're such a presence, your heat signature's not going away

i got enough rage in me to start a war i just don't know what i'd be fighting for but i got enough rage in me to start a war i think i'm feeling pain left over from before

before we ran under the sun from dogs and guns and we waded in the water til kingdom come and we learned that your god sent his only son just to die so you could feel like the holy one and we listened and we prayed and we sure believed til we had to wake up and set our own selves free i refuse to sit and watch and never say a word

the war's been waged my rage is heard

i'm wearing my demons proudly on my sleeve yeah what you get is exactly what you see i said i'm wearing my demons proudly on my sleeve think you should do the same, give me the courtesy

there's a tree that grows in my ex-girlfriend's town where the branches started growing into the ground if the tree's a living thing like you and me and it changed the way it grows then what do you mean 'cos the tree's a living thing that clearly sees the atrocity so what the fuck do you mean that you can't just mind your business let me be free keep on pointing fingers at me, the hypocrisy i refuse to sit and watch and never say a word while you keep on hiding bodies under our dirt just wait until we get there, it'll be your turn

the war's been waged my rage is heard

i think she’s cheating on me with lady death maybe i’ll be enough if i hold my breath if i turn blue, it’s all for you i don’t mean to cause no extra stress wish i could worry bout this less but i’m scared you’ll leave with lady death

and i’ll never beat her ‘cos i know that the peace she promises you is sweeter than anything i’ll ever give,  just a sweet word repeater just hoping if i’m positive enough, i’ll defeat her  and i’m competing for attention i’m trying to ignore the tension and every time i even mention intentions of our reinvention she’s showing up to co-sign my bad decisions i hope you listen ‘cos i

tying my hair up in nooses fingers in loops and puppeteer myself to do shit tired of feeling so useless i feel stupid now i’m making excuses i, i can’t win for losing i wake up to my demons laughing at me glad they find it amusing it’s breaking all of my bones to diffuse it this feeling of inadequacy’s keeping me lucid but truth is, i’m still

today i’m gonna smoke away all my pain today i’m gonna walk around in the rain today i think i’m feeling sorta vain might fuck around and do some yoga to build up my strength

today i’m gonna focus just on me well, me, my wife, my cat and everything between today i think i’m feeling sorta mean might fuck around and buy a punching bag to blow off steam

i don’t care except for the times when i care way too much it’s not fair but neither is life, so i guess i’ll just hush and focus on the good times coming

maybe i’ll cut my hair or maybe i’ll break this chair or maybe i’ll just put on my tightest leggings and make sure i forget underwear maybe i’ll just cook some food or maybe i’ll go back to school or maybe i’ll elope with my baby somewhere where we can make up all our own rules

i don’t care except for the times when i care way too much but i shouldn’t go there i need to relax my mind, so let me sit back and hush and focus on the good times coming

you took a look at my plate and politely declined, smiled at me and then asked to play a game. it’s not like i can be angry; you didn’t even touch my heart, really except for the pieces that you took when you thought i wasn’t paying attention so i smile back and try to forget.

when you leave to make an impromptu visit to your own storefront, i begin to work. i shave down the rough edges of my heart until it is smooth. i try to compress it, make it more compact, but that hurts, so i just whittle away until it is more presentable.

i think about mailing you the heart shavings; i decide against it. i’m deciding against a lot of things, lately.

i received your notice that you found two loyal patrons; a pair that eat your cooking with reverence and make you excited about life again.

i didn’t realize that i was not enough for you until that moment. i didn’t realize that the words i held onto, with hope and longing, were only said in jest and quickly forgotten by you.

business has been slow for many weeks, streets deserted and air polluted, and for the first time in years, i switch off the light to my open sign.

after locking the door, i realize you’re still here, sitting on the counter and swinging your legs while you watch me.

i cannot thinnk about what it means.

i ask you if you want to go, assuring i would harbour no ill feelings if you wanted to be with your other friends; but you assure me that i am your best friend and remind me of how we kill time so efficiently together.

i do not think about what that means.

i feel exhaustion in my bones, but i never sleep well, not alone. so you offer to lay with me, on the comfy cot i have int he corner of my kitchen, where i usually lie alone to take a break from pretending;

i will not think about what that could mean.

i lie down next to you and it feels like a dream; you are the most beautiful person i have ever seen, but i cannot say it straight. i want to reach out and hold you, but i know you wouldn’t like that, because some of our scars are the same, so i ball my hands into fists and will myself to sleep.

(i think i hear you coo at me, wish me a soft good night, but i mist already be dreaming...)

no, no, my real dream i far worse, actually; i’m allowed to think about it here, allowed to touch you freely, allowed to kiss your face, but none of it is real and it’s blurred around the edges, so i startle myself awake.

somehow, this is even worse; there you are, pretty face soft with sleep in muted light and haloed in red, with your feet tangled with mine, and your hand on my thigh, and i can hear my heart do a flip of its own accord in the pot on the stove, so i untangle myself from you to hastily slap on the lid.

construction began in late 2011, when the weather was still impossible hot, and london was on fire. on the cusp of blossoming,  leaving behind childish things and finally reach the “age of consent” i device to open up shop i had no inspiration, no grand idea or intricately plotted end game, but i knew i had to be visible and start giving if i was to ever receive.

while scounting store fronts, i see her she is impossible small, imperceptibly sad and i am attracted to the way she tries to hide the darkness. she is standing in the burning street, crying, wrists dripping, and i feel an overwhelming urge to save her, believing with childlike wonder that she could save me, too.

the store front where i found her is where i decide to build; knocked out all the walls and left a table for 2, added a window that looks into the kitchen. i learn to cook for her; experiment with different spices, give her tastes while the stew brews, and slowly she moves from the window to the table (to wait for me to bring her plate) then to the alley out back (for some fresh air, for a quick smoke), then as far away from our little diner as she could get (for...reasons).

i get lonely in her absence, add a few more tables, add a bar.

she comes back sometimes with a different friend each time, a couple of them are nice, a majority of them are not, but she never acknowledges that we built this place together, back when we both walked the line between light and dark, back when we bled for each other just to have an excuse to lick the wounds, back when london was on fire and a year later when july hit 104 degrees.