TheWrenLore

A friend came over to drink and watch Gilmore girls. She stayed the night and slept in the same bed as me. I can't sleep. The last time I shared a bed with someone was the breakup a year ago. I'm pretty pathetic but this is bringing back a bunch of memories. Just got to survive until morning

managed to get my main character to start romancing Alastair in Dragon Age Origins, went out for a cute platonic Gal-entine’s dinner with some friends, reading a book about a fanfic loving girl with anxiety getting screwed over by a popular jerk. And i was single for valentine’s day. And i’ve been crying every day for two weeks. I might have to get my meds checked because i’m not sure if they’re working. Maybe I’m just anxious about goign back to uni. last semester was worse than any other in my academic journey so far. It’s natural to be a bit apprehensive about going back. I feel like a record with a scratch on it. things seem to get better and thne they get worse. And my brain won’t move forward. It just keeps playing the same memories over and voer again. and fill my dreams with the same things over and over again. And I wanted to scream at that party. Everyone assumed I’m straight. Every assumed I was on the lookout for a guy. And I’m not even out so i can’t even say anything because I’m terrified of what my parents will do. And I’m still working on what I identify as. I have no right to complain. I have a bunch of privelege. I have a relatively stable job. I have the opportunity to go to uni. I have a circle of kidn and supportive friends. I can afford to spend my money on eating out and buying video games. But I’m just so angry ebcause I knwo she’s going to end up with the guy. he’s going to think she’s special and different and she thinks that everything will be different because she’s with him. And he’ll treat her differently because she’s special to him. Well fuck you. The world doesn’t work that way. Just because you’re dating them it doesn’t make you any different. Just because you go home with them at the end of the day it doesn’t mean that its going to last. You’re no different from everyone else they’ve dated. Nothing’s going to change. They elave you like they’ve left everybody. Because they love people. And you hate people. You like inidividuals. And you’re not afraid of missing out on life. You’re scared fo life and screwing up. So these opposites aren’t going to attract. You aren’t going to balance each other out. They’re going to get bored and leave you for the enxt shiny interesting person. And you’re left with all your friends still loving that gorgeous human being and they all knew you’d get heart broken. they tried to stop you but you were so caught up in feeling happy. Of the feeling of being pushed out of your comfort zone and still ebing safe. Of sharing absolutely everything with someone. And then they elave adn everything reminds you of them. Even your brain constantly reminds you. And you ahve to find new things or keep looking at old that remind you of them. What I’m saying is. It’s been six monthes and I think Valentine’s day sucks. And I listened to SmithStreetBand for the first time since they elft. ANd I still like the music.

I really really wanted to have tea with some lovely people tonight but I’ve been the jerk who cancels last minute. Hopefully there’s a next time and I haven’t blown my opportunity to join them ^_^