The Wit and Wisdom of John Waters

Sometimes a hangover is fun: staying in bed all day, taking too many aspirin, jerking off, eating junk food, and ignoring incoming phone calls.

My boyfriends have never been like me. I like somebody very different from me. I like him to be interested in things I’m not interested in sometimes. I don’t want to fuck myself!

I have Jim Jones, the record of ‘Everybody Kill Themselves’. I put it on at the end of a party, everyone leaves! It’s like blinking the lights.

I went to a Catholic high school, which, to this day, I could burn down. And I got great revenge because they had their fiftieth anniversary, and The Baltimore Sun called me and said, ‘What did you think of your high school?’ And I said, ‘They discouraged every interest I ever had.’ And I saw that in print.

My mother told me the story that, in kindergarten, I would come home and tell her about this weird kid in my class who drew only with black crayons and didn’t speak to other kids. I talked about it so much that my mother brought it up with the teacher, who said, ‘What? That’s your son.’