i like big boats, i cannot lie

i gotta do something for pride this year. a club or a party or something.

sometimes when im very anxious i think i might have ocd bc ive seen people with ocd about accidentally causing harm & i do shit like that pretty frequently esp w the retracing & analyzing everything you’ve done aspect but i don’t think i necessarily fit that bc i don’t think i have compulsions, i just have like, a bad memory so im repeatedly checking the door bc there’s genuinely a blank space in my head as to whether ive done that. however this is why every time people on twitter talk about how autism presents in women i become more convinced i might be autistic. like the way people Pick Up On It & will tell you “oh i thought you were a bitch when i first met you” i know this is in general a neurodivergence thing that behaviors in women that in a man would be a sign that they should get diagnosed are chalked up to that woman being a bitch & how you’re singled out by your peers, and you can Tell but you can’t figure out what they even clocked about you. they just find you off putting and that’s it. that’s just my entire life. but also my constant assessing & reassessing & analyzing of my own behaviors like this brings me back to ocd lmao.

if you listen to something on your phone out loud at the library i hate you

can i ask an embarrassing question bc google isn’t helping me. i have a derogatory mark on my credit rn (it’s from comed - im dead ass trying to pay it but every time i get paid they’ve sent it to a new creditor & then i have to hunt that creditor down all over it’s genuinely pmo). i got an alert saying it’s now “fair.” what the fuck does that mean. every website that comes up just keeps saying “a departure mark is” or “a fair credit score is between” that’s not what im asking. im asking what a fair derogatory mark is.

if you are on television humiliating yourself for a man who will also humiliate himself for you that’s one thing. but there’s no guarantee you wouldn’t just look like the idiot who let a man embarrass you. too risky!!

i get genuinely angry & deranged whenever people get into military stuff, i just absolute loathe the way people hand hold those who willingly joined up when they regret it later, i just have so little sympathy for it, you CHOSE to sign up to go invade a foreign country why did you think it wouldn’t fuck up your head? why didn’t you think about the people that lived there before you picked up the gun? i am sympathetic to people who feel like they were duped into believing in something but what overrides that is my disdain for those who treat warfare like it’s a side quest. “well i feel bad about it now” is all fine & good, but i think there’s a real shrugging off of personal responsibility when people act like they got forced to join up in the 90s and 00s. it wasn’t join up or die, it wasn’t even join up or go to jail, it was a bad choice & it was an obvious bad choice when it was made.

zach & charlie definitely look very similar in the face but when i saw zach i was like “are they half siblings or….” them being italian descended makes sense tho sometimes it makes u look racially ambiguous & sometimes u just look like a fucked up british guy. what’s really funny is that his entire personality is just “im tall dark & handsome” to the point that kenzie feels discriminated against as a blonde. fascinating stuff here.

the bragging really grates on me, don’t get me wrong i like this unit, i like being in a finished basement bc it’s cooler than a ground floor & there’s less bugs than a half finished one, but he asked me how i was enjoying the unit & i smiled & said “it’s great” and he turns to the handyman & goes “guess i did a great job on it, eh? look at that kitchen i did this whole kitchen myself, here in the bathroom you’ll see i did this as well” i walked away bc i was getting ready for work but also because come on man. there’s no stove, no laundry, and no cable connection, and it flooded four times. the tile looks great, i guess there’s that.

i guarantee u the reason the landlord couldn’t sell when he first wanted to is bc he listed it absurdly high bc he’s put a shitton of money into it but no one cares how you made the house easier for your mother in law to get around in all on your own, they care about how easily it is to flood. now he’s got a realtor this time (which i know bc the card was in the kitchen, i wasn’t snooping i was up there cooking which in allowed to do it was on the kitchen counter im innocent) so maybe he’s out the price at something someone is willing to pay, but i have no idea if the renter in the basement is helping or hurting him.

the thing about dating shows is that i just have my pride. having to say over several weeks that what i need most is a man, a HUSBAND. i would rather die. i actually don’t need the money that bad.

if deb haaland wins new mexico you will hear my whooping echo across all five of the great lakes

i was into liusa7 when it first started but i was really over most of them after a few weeks so we’ll see.