An Artist

I'm writing again. Or free styling with consistency? Working through lyrics out loud without writing them down but recording, memorizing and replacing pieces?

how am i curating a show on rape culture and the importance if consent when i can't even speak up for myself. how am i supposed to empower survivors, when i am a victim. i feel so stupid. 

tonight is the first time I've been able to acknowledge and admit i was raped. i have only ever spoken of it as something i didn't want to do but went along with it. i have always had a hard time saying no. making others feel uncomfortable. i don't like to fight. i don't like to argue. i don't like to blame others. i take a lot of things on that i probably shouldn't. i don't like to disappoint or to be on bad terms with people. i will apologize when I'm not wrong because i see that multiple people play a role in each situation. i will cling to supporting people that have hurt me because i always want to be loving.i feel very weak right now. i feel very exhausted. i have been carrying this with me for months. Coercion is not a yes. No is not a yes. Silence is not a yes. I really am struggling and have been struggling with self love because i hate myself for allowing someone to take advantage of me and not being able to fully speak up for myself. guilting someone, telling them they better, telling someone they owe you, playing mr nice guy, are all fucked up ways to get someone to fuck you. i hate that i count say stop. i hate that i said i didn't want to because he wanted to instead of just saying no. i hate that i went back the next day to hang out. i hate that i pretended everything was fine. i hate that i played it off after like it was something we both wanted. he had a 2 inch dick. why the fuck would i willingly fuck him? oh because i didn't. because i was vulnerable with no place to go and didn't want to be alone. fuck. fuck fuck fuck.