Intense Societal Messages and Random Shit!

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This is a letter to anybody and everybody who has felt ill and weak before, whether it be physically or other. Allow me to start by saying that in no world are you alone. You may feel alone, however, but you aren’t. I am here for you. There’s a whole community, in fact, of people that understand.

Don’t let anybody tell you that you are faking this, because that is not the type of person you are. You would never fake an illness. You couldn’t stoop that low. In illness, you learn who is on your side and who is not. I for example, have learned that Eric is on my side. Well, I knew that already, didn’t I? But I also learned that some are not on my side. Some tell me that I’m making it up or that I’m trying to get attention. Some simply ignore me, not wanting to face the fact that I am indeed dying. You learn who really cares for you and who doesn’t.

You start to think a lot when you’re sick, too. You do a lot of thinking while you’re not at work or school, or while you’re lying in bed in too much pain to get up and start the day. You think about things like life and death. You think about the people you don’t want to leave behind. You also think about how little you’ve done with your life, how you could’ve done so much more. Maybe you think about if you really are going to live or not. Sometimes you don’t know. Sometimes you hope for life or death, other times you see the benefits of both, and view either way equally.

Your body begins to change as well. It’s like reverse puberty, almost. Any want for making love is gone and your eyes have sunken in and you’ve grown paler and grayer than usual. Your nails hardly grow and your hair is thinning, if you have any left. You can either see your ribs or your stomach is growing. You either grow fat or thin. Sometimes, but only sometimes, is there a grotesque middle ground where your arms and legs are horrible, but there’s a flab of loose skin and fat bunching over your hips. You seem to have permanent dark circles under your eyes that no amount of sleep can get rid of. You don’t look like yourself.

Let’s not forget how easily you cry, too. If you miss a show you wanted to see or you’re hungry or tired, you’ll cry all too easily. It will either be small dribbles of tears or large racking sobs. It’ll start with once a week, then twice a week, then once a day, then multiple times a day until you’re either sleeping or crying.

Your dreams will range from either the happiest things to the darkest of nightmares. Sometimes you’ll dream that you’re healthy and alive. You’ll wake up feeling empty and will probably fall into the large racking sobs that I have mentioned previously. Other times you’ll dream that you have died and that your family is crying over your grave. You’ll also wake up weeping. It’s a lose-lose situation; you’ll wake up in tears no matter what.

Oh, and the pain and agony! You’ll be in constant pain. Perhaps it’s all over body pain, or abdominal pain or perhaps your chest will ache or your head will feel so pressured you wish it would burst simply to put you out of your misery. Perhaps it’s emotional agony. It all depends on your specific illness. Either way, it’s awful and crippling and you only wish it could end. I mean, what a simple wish. Why can’t it just be granted?

The way I’m describing this, it sounds awful. That’s because it is. But somehow it will get better. You will be healthy again somehow, whether that be in an afterlife or not. You’ll be happy again, and you’ll smile with your loved ones, whether that be in an afterlife or not. You’ll weep healthily and sweetly and you’ll frolick once again, whether that be in an afterlife or not.

It’s hell. All of it’s hell. But it will be heaven once again. The worst part is knowing that you once were healthy. Why did this have to happen to you of all people? You’re a good, innocent person to some degree. But it’s all a game of slots. That’s what life is.

But keep your head up, please. Allow nature to take it’s course, in one way or another. Do not end your life while you still have a chance. No matter what the doctor says, no matter what certain people in your life say, you still have a chance because you’re strong and strong people do not back out of things easily. Live on.

Sincerely,

Hey guys. I’ve been sick with a UTI since December. I’ve been ill for a while. Also (yes this is related), I love black butler. The second music, Kuroshitsuji: The Most Beautiful Death In The World, is a great musical. There’s a character named Alan who’s ill and dying of a shinigami disease called Thorns of Death. He gets so frustrated about his illness and says a lot about his illness. I can really relate to him. I’ll actually be cosplaying as him for a small ten-dollar convention that I’ll be going to in late September. I even made his death scythe. My friend, Sophia, will be dressed as Alan’s love, Eric. She’s working on making the wig and death scythe. She’s pretty crafty. 

I just went to a trans picnic. It was so much fun. I also went to Comic-Con this morning, dressed as Grell from Black Butler. She’s my wife, really. And Germany from Hetalia is my husband! 

I draw on myself too much. It’s a few lyrics from Kitchen Sink, by Twenty One Pilots.

You cannot tell me that Mulan is not about trans people. I mean, not only is she singing “I may never pass for a perfect bride or a perfect daughter” and she says “though I’ve tried.” Not only the song Reflection, but it’s about a female-bodied person trying to act like a cis-male. The song “I’ll Make A Man Out of You” describes what it really means to be a man. “You must be swift as the coursing river, with all the strength of a great typhoon, with all the of a raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the moon!” Nothing in there says anything about having a penis. Granted, it’s a children’s movie, but it doesn’t say “The muscles of Hercules” or “The hair of Gaston” or some shit. It has nothing to do with the body. Sure, it says “strength” but that can mean mental strength, too. Okay, rant over.