The wayward redhead

Ma,

I’m realizing the things I was afraid of accomplishing without you around have started happening and truthfully, they aren’t empty achievements like I thought they’d be. I’ve started to make my own money and am in the very early stages of a small business, I’ve gotten into a solid place with handling and understanding my anxiety, I met a boy that I truly was in love with and these things weren’t ruined by losing you. There’s a loneliness that will never go away no matter how many solid relationships I have in my life and out of anything, that’s the hardest to cope with. I only really feel it when I’m by myself, and since no one ever leaves me alone in this house I'm fortunate to not have to face it all the time. The changing of the seasons is reminding me that I haven’t visited the cemetery in a while. I also went like completely dark on social media which actually feels really good lol. Except for the fact that I’m constantly on the various business accounts I made promoting the shit out of the shop so like does it count? idk.  Anyway i haven’t been feeling super sad and woeful, I just like the idea of communicating with you like this, because it’s tangible and not just me thinking about you.

Hi Ma,

I know it’s been a bit since I last wrote anything for you, but I talk to you every day so I’m alright with that.  I don’t get much anxiety anymore, but when I’m on my period it gets bad.  Probably just grief and pms acting together.  It sucks and at times it scares me, but once my cycle finishes I always feel better and that usually gets me through it.  I cried at work about you the other day and Kim and Andrew were really comforting.  I know I shouldn’t feel this way because I’m not ashamed of missing you, but it’s embarrassing to be seen in such a vulnerable place.  I feel like my emotions are meant for you and I don’t always want other people to see it because it isn’t for them.  I don’t know if that makes sense, but if you were sitting here with me you’d nod and validate me, so I’ll take that thought as my answer.  I don’t think there’ll be a time where I’ll start missing you less.  And there may never be anything I want more than to have you back.  And that’s all okay with me.  Those may be true statements, but they don’t need to dominate my life.  I still find myself looking for you around every corner, but sometimes the empty spaces I find instead aren’t as cold and sad as they used to be.  I think part of that is because I’ve been feeling you around a little more.  I’ve started hearing your voice again and I’ve been letting go of a lot of the possessions that were yours because they aren’t what makes me feel close to you anymore.  I’m still devastated and the pain that this causes me every day isn’t going away, but all of the positives in my life are things I know you can see. I’m not religious and I’m not very spiritual, but I know you’re around, somewhere close by.

I love you

I’ll see you

Ma,

I hope I’ve hit rock bottom by now, but I’m scared that I haven’t.  Last month I started having anxiety attacks.  My body seemed to betray me, constantly tensing and burning in my chest.  I felt like I’d finally broken down now that everyone seems like they can finally hold themselves up.  Believe it or not I went to the doctor and started taking a small dose of something to keep me calm.  It’s really helping and I don’t even get stomach aches like I used to.  Daddy got good news at the doctor yesterday too and I cried for you on the drive home because you should’ve been there with him.  You should’ve been there with me exchanging looks of relief, but instead I settled to share my small victory with traffic on the 110.  Your birthday’s Monday.  I hope it’s a good one.

I love you

I miss you

Ma,

I felt like I needed to talk to you.  I just don’t know what to say. Things are pretty much the same, but somehow different.  We got through Mother’s Day, had the garage sale and Danny walked in graduation. Those days weren’t too terrible. I like to think you were there and maybe that comforted us all. Gab got me a really thoughtful gift that I wish you could see.  It’s a necklace with my name and your name engraved with your handwriting.  She said she got it from an old birthday card. You’d like it.  I feel myself slipping a little.  My performance at work is slightly below what it was last month, I;ve gotten a little lazy with housework and cooking and my eating hasn’t been the best.  I’m trying not to be too hard on myself, but I’m also trying to get back into good habits.  I miss you every day and something about this week has made me miss you extra. I’m sitting in my room with the windows open listening to Daddy do yard work. If I close my eyes i can imagine you sitting at the picnic table in your red sweatshirt with one leg crossed over the other watching him, or rather keeping him company.  He says he visited you at the cemetery the other day and that it wasn’t too bad.  I hope you had a nice time together.  I’ll be over soon.  For now I have some laundry to do.

I miss you

I love you

Hi Stranger,

I planned on writing to you every day, but I really haven’t felt the need to.  We’re a few days short of a month that you’ve been gone and it doesn’t get easier, but we’re slowly figuring things out.  I’ve been cooking, paying bills, looking after Danny and I hosted my very first friends dinner.  You would’ve loved seeing the girls all together and trying all the food they made.  You would’ve sat with the few of us up late before you went to bed.  I miss you so much. Even thinking that sentence in my head legitimately makes me cry.  I’ve been out late a few times and you haven’t texted me asking where I am.  I think I need to come home early for a little while longer.  I went to dinner with Jen, John and Jimmy last night. Finally for the first time after years and you weren’t around to see it.  Daddy keeps telling me how proud he is that I’ve stepped up, but part of me knows that I’m doing these things as a vain attempt in hopes that somehow if I become what you’ve been trying to make me become, you’ll come back.  But I know you won’t. Again, I miss you.  

Mom,

Sorry yesterday’s letter was unfinished. Danny’s been sick and throwing up all night. It’s been really hard for him to let all of this out. I think he needs a sign. I found an RRA paper in your bills folder. It has something listed for a lot of money. Is that ours? Let me know because Uncle Bobby isn’t sure exactly what it is and we need all the funds we can get right now. Your husband is talking about moving to Suffolk so I know you’re rolling in your grave at that. I mean, you literally just left so why would we move away from all of our friends and family at the time we need them most? I haven’t even put away your laundry from last week yet. I’m wearing the fuchsia robe I got you and it’s not even comfy. I’ll get you a new one that’s super soft. We can put that Nordstrom gift card to good use. Val and Cass cleaned out the food cabinets finally. There were soups in there from 2013...what’s wrong with you like we complain about Daddy hoarding things, but you’re just as bad. Don’t be mad, but I’m taking the rest of the week off work. I’m thinking about asking Tom if I can work half days for a little while. Or should I ask to work from home? I’ll decide soon. I’m also going to Fulton today to figure all of that out. I’ll clear your desk for you. Also I forgot to mention they played Prelude in E at the funeral. Maybe now I’ll actually be motivated to finish learning it for you.

I feel like you could be a bird. A few days before you left I started hearing a bird chirping outside my window each morning. It felt weird to have snow on the ground and a bird chirping in the middle of winter. I thought about why it didn’t fly south. I don’t remember hearing it these past few days, (honestly I don’t remember much) but I hear it now. A more nagging sound honestly. It might be you, but I don’t know for sure. Give me some kind of indication.

Hey Ma, 

Today was your trip back home. For some reason I assumed you’d be with the Federici’s, but it’s nice you’re with Daddy’s side. And you’re right in Westbury which is in the middle of so many places I go so of course I’ll visit often. I’ll wait til you’re settled though. It’ll look amazing in spring when the trees bloom and we can sit and face that old church. Today wasn’t as tough as I expected it to be. I had a lot of anxiety this morning, but getting reassurance from you usually calms me down. So thanks for that. And thanks for the nice weather, things were looking pretty grim out there for a while, but once we left the restaurant the sky was blue and there wasn’t a cloud in sight. Also, I assume it was you who left the water bottle in my room for me because I don’t remember doing that. Still a nag, I see. Anyway, I’m learning a song for you so check facebook for a post from me soon. I’ll tell you more later, too tired to talk now. I’ll see ya later.

Joanne,

I’ve spent the past few days trying to answer all of the questions I want to ask you.  I’m sorry I didn’t write sooner.  I’m sorry I didn’t call you when I got out of work Tuesday.  I’m sorry I haven’t been eating, but given recent events I’d hope you’d cut me some slack.  But let’s be real, you would never.  Aunt Fran came to visit you Wednesday morning.  I know you felt bad you lost touch, but the woman literally skipped dialysis for you (wtf right?).  Anyway, when I see you I have to tell you about how I cried over a bowl of shrimp cocktail that same morning.  It’s a lot more animated in person so it can wait.  Aunt Ellen bought us one of those little circle containers of shrimp so I threw out the old bag in the freezer we were talking about, you remember. I don’t want to make you upset, but I want to tell you that I’m lost and heartbroken.  I don’t know who I am without you.  I depend on you.  And I know worrying is your big thing, but I can handle this.  I can survive this.  You have a habit of not letting me show you what I’m capable of, but you don’t have the choice anymore.  I’ll take care of everyone, including myself.  There’s a lot more I want to say, but I have to pick out an outfit for tomorrow.  I’ll model for you in the morning, as usual.  I love you.