Here, I pretend I can write

I'm seeing an inherent flaw in depending on AI that much that no one really discusses. When you know that an agent can look through all your docs and chats and sheets and data, and get you the answer you want, you stop putting in the effort to maintain these docs and events properly in a human readable way. You keep extending the context beyond what a human being can carry in his little brain, and then the context swallows you whole. You just cannot hold all this data in your brain and navigate all this by yourself.

I tend to feel better when I write before bed but I've been overwhelmed lately with my unplanned hectic schedule which makes bed time routines a bit tough. I'm trying to remove any "prerequisites" to sleep so I don't keep delaying going to bed and then sleep less.

But I do so love to empty my brain and it probably needs a lot of emptying. So here I am, close to the end of my work day, just tapping away.

I've overloaded myself with my big plans for these two years, I'm working toward what can be described as 3 different degrees plus my full time job. I'm enjoying and loving every single one though so I'm working on not associating any negative emotions with them. One of them is a master's degree, that's the only "official" one with hard deadlines and supervisors. Another one does have deadlines but it's much more chill and low-energy. The third has no deadlines but I do have weekly classes that also need any prep. My teacher is not harsh so she accepts it even if I do very little per week.

I like all these and I want to keep doing them. I'm also aware that writing down a schedule helps immensely in time management, and helps me get a sense of achievement too. Without one, I lost track of all that I accomplished in a day and end up feeling like I wasted my time even when I didn't.

Writing things down also helps. Like this post. And like to-do lists and grocery lists. I skip writing these too. Terrible idea. This makes me walk around with all of my tasks clenched in the middle of my brain. I guess it's analogous to RAM. Some items from my RAM can be moved to storage but I keep clenching them. Then I walk around dazed and unfocused because most of my mental energy is spent keeping those items in RAM.

The Other Side

How do you become someone who is honored enough to see the Prophet Muhammad Peace be upon him in your dreams?

Time to be honest, I struggle with understanding the reasoning behind loving the Prophet as much as he should be loved. Don't get me wrong, I do love him, it's just that the order comes to love Allah and His prophet. Love for Allah comes much easier. You can think of all the blessings you have, how He has taken care of you before, how He's always there and you can make duaa and even just complain about your troubles to Him freely. Then for the prophet, it's often mentioned that this is regarding how this religion spread because of him and his sacrifice and how hard he worked for it. It just takes more focus from my side in order to feel this in my heart and remember it.

I think I should study more seerah to be able to feel closer to him peace be upon him.

Quran 30 for 30

Going back to yesterday's reflection about forgiveness regarding the archers that left the mountain of Uhud, if I truly visualize the day, fully, I cannot imagine forgiveness being in their future, not from the Prophet and not from Allah. But Allah did forgive them and forgave the ones who failed to join the prophet during another Ghazwa. So one should ask for forgiveness with faith that Allah will forgive. I suppose what I feel more is shame. Even if I was to assume I was forgiven for some specific sins, and I cannot make that assumption, I would still feel shame for having done it. That I will meet Allah and I did what I did. It sometimes makes me feel like I cannot raise my face up during duaa. but Afw is like the sin never happened, so may Allah grant us Afw.

Not another blessing, not a physical feature, not a personality trait, not love, not a job, not money, Not a single thing that you should wish was yours when it belongs to someone else. Subhan Allah it really takes effort to recall your own blessings, but so easy to recall the blessings of others. Then it becomes easy to recall your hardships, but not the hardships of others, and some of those hardships can even be invisible to you. إن الإنسان لظلوم كفار

The Other Side

In this episode, Ameer, the young man from Gaza, experienced a beautiful dream even in the middle of such hardship. How do you think dreams could help you when you are going through difficult times?

Not gonna lie, most of the time my dreams are absolute nonsense or a replay of events of the day. I do have trouble sleeping and low quality sleep often though. I hadn't paid much attention to my dreams most of the time except when they are upsetting, alhamdulliah that is not often. One time, I checked up on certain people because I saw great distress for them in a dream. Another time, I woke up in a fright because my dream showed me something I desire that I knew shouldn't be in my heart at all. E

Quran 30 for 30

This reminder especially matters to me when I consider doing things that may be (according to my own estimates) outside of my "skill" range. When, for example, I might think "oh I'm not a great conversationalist, so I won't make friends easily in a new office" but hearts are in the Lord's hands. And He can send you someone you vibe more easily with. Same with any other relationships, jobs, grades, and so on.

الإنابة

To return to Allah often.

The Other Side

Consider the qualities you show in your honesty, or integrity. How would you be described by those who know you best? What do your actions say about you? What changes can you make to ensure that your name in the heavens aligns with the person you aspire to be?

I really hope its kindness. really hope its overflowing love and mercy and a soft heart toward the suffering of any living thing. It's as if really want to be loving and give everything have but can't always master the patience to do so. think ifl slow down and focus in my Salah and athkar this may translate to other areas of my life as well.

Quran 30 for 30

Pairing this with the Barzakh series is a very strong reminder. The visualization of the ending, of the soul leaving the body as the eyes follow. That gets me so scared that I am not ready for this. Iman ebbs and flows, rises and lowers. I'm ebbing now and I'm scared.

Other than this lesson, Dr Omar spoke about how Allah is the one who gives ملك and takes away ملك. That empire that may seem permenant, it will fall one day. I have no doubt that it will, but one lingers their eyes at it waiting to catch the moment it does.

الحمد لله على نعمة الإسلام وكفى بها من نعمة

The Other Side

This world is just a stage, where you are being watched and discussed by the angels and Allah. What do you think they are discussing about your reputation? Can you think of a specific daily act that can alter your reputation with Allah?

"There she goes again" I can't help but think about the repetitiveness of sins or bad habits. But, one can only "return" to a bad habit if they left it in the first place. So, as much as "there she goes again" might be seen negatively and my brain will push me to think of all the bad things I keep repeating, I hope they also see all the time I leave a sin, and start a new good habit, and regret my decisions, hastening to fix them quickly this time. I want to kiss my parents' feet eveyday. I don't know how long we have left together now that they're as grey as they are. And even if I go first, I want to have done all I can toward them. They are the clearest door I've seen in my life that can lead me to Jannah, or not. May Allah bless them with good health and bless me to treat them well as long as we both live.

Quran 30 for 30

Just learned that I misunderstood this verse previously thinking that كافة meant 'O believers enter into submission together' I thought the verse was warning about seperating into sects and making enemies of each other.

That's always the struggle though, isn't it? You submit to some commands so easily as if Sahytan has never whispered to you before. And with some other commands it can take years just for you to eevn understand that this is cruicial to your deen. May Allah guide us all.

All the roads lead back to "The faith is between Patience and Gratitude" as stated by Ibn AlQayym. I'm not as grateful as I expect of myself with all the blessings I have in my life. And patience is a new concept all together.

I've decided to post the Yaqeen companion reflection journals for The Other Side series and Quran 30 for 30 here everyday inshallah

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The Other Side

How does reflecting on the Barzakh make you feel about the choices you make every day?

Apprehensive. It adds so much weight to daily decisions I may not give too much thought to. But having Dr Omar say that for believers, this stage is a stage of rest, it aslo gave me hope and motivation. I want to work harder not to rest later.

Quran 30 for 30

Several reflections here, I never want to be in a positon of authority for Nasiha toward others. That is a nightmare situation in my opinion and I don't know how Sheikhs do it day in and day out. May Allah protect and guide our scholars and keep them on track. On the other hand, I *am* putting in effort to learn and an important Niyya for learning is to spread knowledge and teach others as well. Tough spot.

What I do struggle with sometimes is "commanding" others regarding something I'm still working on. The idea here is that, when there's a personal sin/bad habit you do and you're trying to fix, you find yourself hyperfixated on it. You have to remain aware of your behaviour toward it and you start noticing so much in yourself and others. As one of the salaf used to say, I do not say unto others what I have fixed, but I say onto others what I see myself do wrong. (something along this meaning, not a direct quote) I suppose the difference here is that you do not forget to abide by your own naseeha as best you can.

Everytime I feel there isn't much progress in the paths I'm trying to take, I rethink if there's something I'm doing that has prevented me from progressing more. Sometimes, that is the case, other time, it is just the test in the difficulty. In all cases, I have to keep pushing.

I suppose Austen does have a unique talent in creating her characters. They are, most, very solid and do not change or get affected by the narrative, yet are not archetypes. One of the clearest examples is in Darcy and Elizabeth. You cannot deny that they both changed throughout the novel—a lot more pronounced in the book than the movie might I add—, and the change was not this grand revelation or life-altering. They seemed, before and after, the same person. The change was reflected more as a lapse of judgement that can be remedied with self-reflection. Another example is the change across age and wisdom brought by the natural passage of time that can be found in Persuasion. We are introduced to Anne at the age of 27 and witness her recollections of times when she was younger than 20. She even comments at a time that she does not regret her decision, for she truly did what was best to her knowledge even if she suffered for it. Who isn't trying to teach their own eyes to look so kindly on their past decisions?

Lastly, her romances are actually quite romantic. As I mentioned, Austen relies on social interactions and observation of the community to weave her stories. You do not just witness the central "love story", you also witness all the other marriages and relationships in the community since they all affect each other in some way, a natural consequence of being tight-knit. So, you watch so many different dynamics and types of love, characters who shape their lives and make their decisions in the manner best suiting them. Usually, the central couple meet on equal footing and with a solid common ground following a lot of deep reflection on whether they fit together and can make each other happy or not. These are not sappy meet-cutes built on codependency or mindless obsession. They judge each other, become angry with one another, apologize, make mutual satisfactory amends, and do not melt into a singular blob where a reader cannot tell where one character ends and the other begins.

Speaking of, I found a theme of agency in her books. No character is helpless or "down on their luck." Even when they mess up or come to believe they cannot end up with their loved one, they are carrying out duties and responsibilities toward their families and friends and neighbors. They prepare dinner, mend, read, console one another, reply to correspondence, and are rooted in their sense of self and the life they already have. They are not lost or untethered without their love. The relationship is not built on breaking the norms of society or breaking a part of their life to begin their marriage.