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Some years Ramadan brings an instant stillness. This year, for me, it brought something harder to name; a quiet restlessness in the soul that I can't quite shake.
But I've come to believe that Ramadan isn't always about the feeling. Sometimes it's just the reaching. Turning toward Allah even when the warmth isn't there yet.
If you're feeling this too, know you're not alone. May Allah softens our hearts, settles what is unsettled and forgives what weighs on us...
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Lupa Tilawah
instagram doesn’t really feel like my thing. entah kenapa, selalu lebih enak nulis di sini.
tadi sempat kepikiran mau post ini di ig, tapi ngga jadi-jadi. kayaknya memang ada hal-hal yang lebih cocok ditulis di tumblr.
—
beberapa waktu ke belakang, aku lagi banyak merenung soal tilawah.
tahun ini rasanya beda. ada semacam peningkatan—bukan dalam arti jadi “hebat”, tapi lebih ke… mulai menemukan cara yang lebih cocok.
dan mungkin ini juga ramadan pertama setelah aku tahu kalau aku punya ADHD.
dulu, salah satu struggle terbesar itu simpel tapi bikin frustrasi: lupa.
lupa sudah sampai mana. lupa halaman berapa. lupa terakhir baca kapan.
kadang mushafnya juga ikut “lupa”—tertinggal, atau entah ke mana.
akhirnya yang terjadi berulang: hari ini baca → besok ngulang lagi → lusa ternyata ngulang lagi. bahkan pernah ngulang lebih dari satu juz, bukan cuma satu dua halaman.
dan kalau pembatasnya lepas… ya sudah. reset.
sempat coba beli mushaf kecil biar bisa dibawa ke mana-mana. ternyata… jadi lebih mudah hilang.
sampai rasanya tiap semester beli mushaf baru.
—
tahun ini aku coba pelan-pelan mengubah sistem.
beberapa waktu terakhir lebih sering pakai tablet untuk tilawah. ironis juga sih—gadget justru lebih “aman” daripada mushaf.
karena dijaga. karena dianggap penting.
sedih juga kalau dipikir-pikir.
tapi setidaknya, ini membantu.
masalah lupa jadi sedikit berkurang.
walaupun ada trade-off: mata lebih cepat lelah dibanding baca mushaf fisik.
—
yang cukup membantu ternyata fitur sederhana: bookmark.
aku pakai itu buat nandain terakhir baca sampai mana. jadi tidak perlu lagi mengandalkan ingatan yang… ya, sering tidak bisa diandalkan.
kadang juga tetap ditandem sama mushaf biasa. jadi tabletnya lebih ke alat pencatatan.
—
aku juga sadar mungkin belum pakai fitur-fitur yang ada secara maksimal. tapi sejauh ini, perubahan kecil ini sudah cukup berarti.
bukan jadi sempurna. tapi jadi lebih mungkin untuk lanjut.
dan mungkin itu yang paling penting sekarang: bukan seberapa banyak, tapi bagaimana supaya tetap berjalan.
—
kalau dipikir lagi, mungkin ini bukan soal “kurang menjaga mushaf”.
tapi tentang belajar menjaga hubungan— dengan cara yang realistis, dengan kondisi diri sendiri.
dan tahun ini, rasanya hubungan itu sedikit lebih terjaga.
Ramadan Reflections [Day 18]
Today was somewhat productive. I spent a fair amount of my day researching the different times and situations where duas would be more likely to be accepted and I realized that He’s more accepting of our supplications in so many ways. For example, just making dua at the end of an obligatory prayer makes it more likely to be accepted. I plan on posting a Twitter thread dedicated to the different times here once I post it. Aside from that, I finished the 3rd Juz after Taraweeh, which is great. Knowing that I won’t finish the Quran by the end of the month isn’t as sad as I thought it would be. I think I’ll focus more of my attention on reading the English translation, as I feel like I can get more out of it.
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Foreign Parents be like
*my Mom trying to convince me to get married*
Mom: Adel, you're already almost 29. You'll be 45 in a few years.
this Ramadan opened doors inside me i never knew existed. I learn i can, even tho im a revert and dont have any muslims around, i can feel all the Ramadan feelings i've read/heard about since my conversion to Islam. the feeling is inside me and doesnt depend on having iftar parties, crowded mosques, eid celebrations. I had my own little taraweeh prayers, suhoor alone is pretty peaceful and breaking the fast with your non muslim family can be as nice. but i still pray I can do all that next year
May Allah reward you immensely for your efforts. I have so much love and respect for reverts. Met lots in my time and seriously, you guys are blessed and chosen by Allah against all odds. We are all blessed to have deen in our lives. The small sacrifices we make to hold on to that deen will seem like drops of water to an ocean when we meet Allah, yet they will have the weight of mountains by Allah’s mercy. Hope each ramadan gets easier for you iA
Never let the attitude,opinions and thoughts of people define your relationship with Allah.People will always say something no matter what you do.Learn to block out things that are toxic.
