Mintn'lavender

Don't belong here, don't belong back at home... I live constantly searching for a place to call mine, a place where i can go back when things are too hard, when I feel like I can't do it anymore but all I'm met with is im "invading" a space i thought was also mine or questions/comments "out of concern" that feel like daggers into my heart. I wish i could do more but every second i spend in this earth feels more and more suffocating than the previous one. I feel like im drowning. Nothings changed.

For outsiders it feels like I'm doing nothing to better myself but man i am trying, "Try harder" i seriously am trying with all the strength i have left. I'm sorry I'm not you, I'm sorry this is all i can offer, I'm sorry this is all i am... A loser, unworthy of love, unworthy of success, unworthy of happiness, of security...

These thoughts have invaded my mind for years, somedays they grow stronger, some others they're just at the back but they're always there... And lately they've been growing nonstop.

I am sorry i can't do more for you, I'm sorry this is all I can offer. I'm happy I got to tell you that I love you and to hear you say you love me back. I'm not one that calls or texts much, I wish I did that more often. I just want you to not be in pain, I want you to live your last hours, days and months, pain free, surrounded by the people who love you and care for you. I want you to feel loved and cared for, I want you to eat healthy and tasty things, I want you to enjoy what you have left...

I can't do more than cry in silence, try to keep your sister up and wish that your suffering ends soon.

I wish I could be happy for you but I can't. If it was someone else i swear I'd keep my feelings to myself and wish you all the best because you deserve it. You've been by my side for 12 long years and I've never been more grateful for having someone like you in my life. I also loved you for the entirety of those years, my love changed over the years but still, I loved you. I had my doubts about it, took me too long to realize that I was in fact, in love with you and it wasn't just me confusing feelings of gratefulness with love.

Obvs you've hurt me when you ignored me, when you casted me aside but I understood that you needed time to figure things out, you were never the type of person who opens up and tells ppl about your problems even though you were always willing to listen and offer advise and words of encouragement. You have no idea of how many times you've saved my life. I owe that to you.

After saying all this... I can't believe this. I can't conceive the idea of what you've done, after all what we've been through, after all those hours long calls filled with good and sad moments where you'd lift me up and make me giggle again when I was feeling miserable, where you'd make me blush, laugh and enjoy life... after all the love we had for each other... Why? Just why?

I have my reasons, way more reasons than you know of for hating and resenting her.. I resent you too for getting involved with her but I thought... Maybe you'd listen to me, maybe you'd take my side, I mean we've known each other for over a decade and you've known her for 3 months... I thought wrong. You took her side from the beginning... And even after I told you the reasons why, you still took her side and tried to guilt trip me, putting the blame on me for "throwing away 12 years of friendship over 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨" as if my feelings and concerns didn't matter. You want 𝙢𝙚 to make the decision of leaving this friendship because it would be easier that way, wouldn't it? That way it wouldn't be your fault because it would be 𝙢𝙮 decision and not yours. I am not the one who fucked up and didn't think of us... You are.

You know how much that hurts me?

I am so angry... Angry at myself.

I wish i could tell you how much I love you and how much it hurts me the way you act with me. Why is it that I always have to feel like this?

19hs

I saw a video about a korean tv program where a little kid said he thinks his mother didn't like him... And I thought to myself that i am mostly certain my mother doesn't like me.

I turned out wrong, i never did anything worth mentioning, i am a disgrace and a disappointment to my parents. I aim to nothing, I see no future, no plans, no nothing. Every day i wake up and wonder if today's the day I die. Somedays i wish it was.

Mom, I'm sorry I am not the daughter you wanted, I know I am a bother to you and I upset you, I'm sorry I can't do anything to make you feel better. I can see that when you look at me you ask yourself "where did I go wrong with her?", you look at me with such disdain, you are tired... Believe me, I know, I am tired too. Way too tired. Waking up and existing is already challenging for me, I'm sorry I come out to you as a selfish person but trust me, I do care about you, I don't want to be an inconvenience to you...

I feel like you wish she was your daughter instead of me. You guys have so much in common, she did accomplish something, she's a teacher like you, you have similar tastes, you can bond with her. I on the other hand... Well... I can't say I didn't try it, I tried too much, I wanted to be good for you, I wanted you to be proud of me as I am proud of you but I can't. Our relationship is so torn up, so hurt... I don't know if we can fix it. I said I do care about you and it's true but as years pass by I care less and less, the love i had for you becomes hate and indiference; I see you do things for others that you didn't do for me. Why do you hate me so much? I feel like it's always been like that, as if you could never stand me, as if you could never love me without hurting me first.

I was afraid of you. I hated you and even so I tried to make you proud. I wanted to be someone you could talk about with pride, with happiness, I know now that's not going to happen, ever. I am sorry. I wish I wasn't like this.

My heart throbs.

It hurts.

I saw something I wish I didn't... It never really goes away, the anxiety...

I felt something was off and as always, I was right. Tell me, do you enjoy this? Do you enjoy my suffering so much?

You know me, you've known me for over a decade, you know every inch of me, you know me so well and yet it's like you don't know me at all, or worse, it's like you don't even care.

My heart sinks everytime I look at your name, everytime I look at our chat that hasn't been opened for 3 days when a few days ago we would send each other "good morning" and "good night" messages on a daily basis. So what changed? I don't understand. Did I do something wrong again? Is it my fault? Do I bore you? Do I bother you?... Why am I not enough for you? Why am I not enough for anybody?

What's wrong with me? Why is it always like this? Why does my heart have to keep on breaking and I have to keep on grabbing those broken pieces and try to repair it the best I can? I am tired.

The more I speak with the others, the more I think you lack rules and you don't care about how to be an actual friend because real friends don't do what you did to me or what you did to any of the people you interacted with.

It's an awful thing to say but now I think those "bad friends" you had were right, they were right about you all along. And I turned a blind eye to that. I should've doubted you.

My mistake was giving you the opportunity, to include you in my different friend circles, to give you the benefit of the doubt. I cared for you, I wanted to help you the best way I can because I know what it feels to be struggling and have to deal with it alone; I didn't want that to happen to you so I stood there, by your side.

My mistake was being nice to you. But honestly that just speaks about me trying to be a good friend and you betraying that trust. Quoting your ex-friends and as your ex-friend as well, please think about all the damage you've done. Think about your actions and how it affects the people that are around you. Be better and maybe you'll start keeping your friends instead of pushing them away.

It's weird now.

I gave myself some time. I was not in a good place mentally and I needed to find myself again.

Last night I wrote to him "I love you, good night" .

I cried until I passed out, I know the dark days were hard and scary but I didn't realize how bad it was or at least I maintained myself as busy as I could to not let my mind spiral into that darkness.

There's nothing I can do now. I can't maintain any substance in my stomach, I have stronger anxiety attacks and those intrusive thoughts no longer look like something silly but something that would be a solution to this matter.

Despair fills my thoughts, I try to get out of that deep and dark hole that I know too well but I see no way out this time. I am tired. Sleep is my new best friend.

Minutes turn to hours and hours turn to days. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Nothing interests me, nothing catches my attention, nothing gives me that feeling of "purpose" anymore.

It's been a few days already. I won't go back on my decision of keeping you away from my life but i have to admit that I do miss you. All the things we enjoyed together now hold a bittersweet memory, I can't enjoy them like I used to do.

We really did lots of things together; you were a huge part of my day to day life and now I sit here, alone, not knowing what to do, who to talk to and what to talk about.

I have anxiety attacks every couple of hours (I'm getting better but i'm no there yet) because I know you are there, doing the very thing i told you that upset me... I know nothing changed for you, it was easier to fuck up our relationship than being loyal and truthful. I feel like you didn't even care about us, about our friendship or else you wouldn't have done what you did.

It's so weird not talking to you. We were supposed to do so many things together but I think this was for the best. Sometimes I wonder, would it be better if I just brushed it off? if I just ignored it, make as nothing ever happened?

I think that even if I did that, even if I pretended like nothing is going on I wouldn't be able to avoid feeling anger and disgust towards you; and that would kill me even more.

I loved you, my dear friend, I trusted you, I cared for you. I still do. That's why it's so painful... But I'm not sad, if anything im deeply disappointed as I never thought you, of all people, would harm me this way.

I know it's difficult when emotions get involved as we cannot control them even if we wanted to but, we are responsible for the actions we take and we know that every action has its consequences... We can learn that the good and easy way or the bad and painful one.