There's a Madness in Her

I'm so happy I came. (I'm so happy for that) I came, my friend, but she was so sad. And she didn't know it would mean the best for you. And you will always love me like- I did it (all out) again; So much love. It is my heart and my God, my friend. I'm so happy I came.

Who was I before you? I used to ask this like the answer ever mattered. Choking back tears as thick as diamonds, stumbling my way through memories. You were my life, sun, stars, personified love and strength and night. You, flawless in your calm imperfections and I could have spent a billion lifetimes staring at the freckles on your skin. I felt galaxies in my chest and lazy rivers in my blood as we laid on your couch and discussed everything about nothing in particular. I wonder if your lips tasted like I thought they would: chlorine water and pears and home. I remembering slipping on ice and grabbing your arm so tight and you were my rock in so many ways but I always wonder if you would have laughed if I had fallen. Silence like a heavy fog and I can’t see you or my hands anymore, though both two inches from my face. Do the stars still glitter even if no one is listening? Does she hold you and brush hairs from your face and call you beautiful? Is she home or did you run away from it to try and find yourself? Who am I after you? Maybe someday it will matter.  

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this and that’s okay. Sitting in the sun, I am thinking of you and the way you’d walk towards me. Call me baby, sweetheart- sit next to me and smile as if we were the only two in on the cosmic joke. Sweetly sweated, slightly mussed. Kissing my forehead or I’d rest it on your shoulder. Just being, ourselves and us, one in the same. I’m grateful for our time together, even if it was not enough. It would have never been enough; me for you, or the time we spent. I am thankful for every night spent deep in conversation. The way you’d laugh over telephone lines. Not many people get to see the way you look when you drive. I felt your fingers on my lips and your hands graze my hips, from day one. We captured a moment in time; we stole minutes and hours that others never get to have.  If you never understand why I stopped, please know it was out of respect and the only kindness I knew how to give. I was spiraling and I was pain; I was drowning in lakes and razor blades in Halloween candy. I cried every day but I told myself it was for the best- I needed to protect you. I needed you to be happy. And that meant, away from me. Care that was synonymous with leaving.  I hope you are happy; I hope when you wake up, you stretch and sigh, and every muscle in your body feels calm. If your gaze rests heavy on her face, I hope it is the sweetest sight imaginable. When you move throughout your day, I wish for it to be effortless and with that ease that you always made me feel. At night, lying down to sleep, I hope you know someone is always wishing for your happiness and thinking of you. I hope you feel so loved. I am sitting in the sun and I am so grateful that I got to know your warmth.