The enormous importance of little things.

I forget what this place meant to me sometimes. And then once a year I remember what this app did for me and how much it and the people I connected with meant to me. I miss the old Tumblr so much. I miss this being a safe place to be exactly who I am. This app is the sole reason I’m comfortable in my skin - that I ooze confidence wherever I go. To the point I was able to help other women in my life feel the same. Ugh. I just miss this place.

I thought losing 60+ pounds would feel different. I thought I’d like the attention, to feel desirable and wanted by so many people. I thought it would be everything I wanted. And I hate it. Being “attractive” to more of the population isn’t a good thing. It feels awful. I’m treated so differently, and not in a good way. Men’s stares feel scary and threatening - more so than they were before. This is a new world I was so excited to be a part of and now I just want to get out of it with everything in me. I feel so great and empowered until I’m around men. I’ve worked so hard to feel everything I wanted. And this feels threatening and cheap and disingenuous. I deserve to enjoy this. But I’m just an object now. Even more so than before. And people have no reservations about making that known to me. I hate it in this space. I hate being “attractive.” I hate existing around men. I hate the way they are socialized to look at women and talk to women and treat women.