The Thunder Claps

I've come to the realisation I'm apathetic, just in the least damaging way. I care about my family and friends. It's just me I don't give a fuck about. Problem is, I don't care that I don't care.

A few years before my grandmothers death she lost her memory, dementia. She lost her ability to remember my brother and I. The last time my brother and I saw her, I bunked off university and took him out of school and we travelled to her care home. When we arrived a care giver escorted us to her room and told us to call if we needed anything. As we entered she looked up at us terrified. She began shouting at us calling us thieves, thugs even screaming for help. We tried to placate her telling her our names and trying to get her to remember that we were her grandchildren. She called us liars and cruel for trying to pretend to be her grandkids. So that was last time my baby brother saw his Nan, I still feel guilty for taking him, he cried on the journey home. We never told our parents what happened that day, even if on the surface we both knew what she was going through and how scared and alone she must have felt I think it hurt him more than he’ll ever admit. Dementia isn’t a joke, my Nan died two years ago and I still think about her pain almost everyday. 

So i was in class, talking with my friends about skin tones (already a bad idea) and i was saying how i like being pale (i’m pretty white haha) predominantly because everyone takes the piss out of me for being really white. This girl who was sitting behind us in the lecture hall goes “omg that is so racist” the reason being one of my bros is black. And I was like “nah it’s not racist to like the way you look” my bro agreed with me. but if fucks me off because i cant even be happy with my own skin tone. For example I think my skin tone looks really nice in winter, however in summer I look like a tomato. idk just frustrating really, i get that ethnic minorities should be supported and what not but if im not allowed to say i like my skin tone then y’all dumb and i wanna change planets.

What sucks is not having someone that I can think about, get excited about meeting and getting that heart wobble every time I hear her name.