The Thrill of it All

Happy New Year!

Luxury

I am not a natural at relaxation. One year my best friend and I got really into 50% off spa deals where we would go and use the facilities and pay for absolutely no extras, but other than that it’s not my natural home. 

I have always been good at asking for things in small ways, (”Can you help me with this thing?”), but I have never been comfortable being “served” I don’t even like going to the hairdressers because of the undivided attention they give you. That and staring at your own reflection for 90 minutes. 

I had been a bit tired and emotional and Lowri proposed a pedicure. That this was something she enjoyed doing and would like to do for me. As a treat. 

I repeatedly asked, “are you sure?” it felt indulgent, and somehow not fair on Lowri, although she had offered. 

She made me promise that I would not move for at least 30 minutes. Even after she had finished, I had to stay put. 

Sit still. Relax. Enjoy. Just be. 

At first it was a struggle. I babbled to counteract my anxiety that I was being self indulgent and she didn’t really want to be here, doing this lovely thing for me, (that she herself had offered to do.)

But with time I unwound. 

I tuned in to the sensations. The sun on my face. The warmth of the water between my toes. 

But mainly I tuned into the care. 

Someone else was giving me their undivided attention. Of their choosing. 

She had suggested it because she wanted to, and mainly because she wanted to enjoy it. Now who am I to sit here and spoil that with worry?

I did some therapy a few years ago and I remember my therapist repeatedly asking me, “how often do you let yourself have it?” as in, do the kind words and actions people present you with actually sink in? Or do you secretly tell yourself they aren’t true? They don’t mean it? You are undeserving? 

So often, sadly, this is the case. 

To accept kindness is a gift not only to yourself, but to the person providing it.

Commissioned by Greater Manchester Combined Authorities Cultural Commissions, The Thrill of It All set out to be....

“A durational blog about practicing gratitude and celebrating the small stuff. Using lists, recipes, photographs, affirmations and mindfulness techniques, I will create daily content, using social media platforms, blogs and audio to create a stream of content across April/May. 

I wanted to learn to sit still. 

To stop trying to prove something to myself, (and others.) 

To learn that productivity is not a badge of honour. That it’s not healthy to derive your self worth from your achievements. 

I wanted to create something about embracing a slower pace of life. About learning to do more with less. 

When the bigger picture is entirely overwhelming and so far beyond our control, with no end point and so much uncertainty, I wanted to try and focus on the smaller one. 

Tuning into the details and creating differentiation in a situation much more static than we are acclimatised to.

I wanted to explore where I derive happiness, meaning and contentment beyond my usual sources and with scaled back resources. 

Down at the bottom of the garden I felt you One day.  Beneath the moss and the dead leaves You come to me Unravelling. 

Quiet as rain  Curled up  Waiting Like a fern,  A hedgehog,  Or a cat in a flowerbed.  Through the crispy crust of snow, Snoozing in the sun. Melting, Softening A return. 

You are waiting  For me

Beneath the bed your memories lie.  Folded neatly and preserved Shoved in boxes, forgotten.  The things we lose, leave behind  Or save for another time.  Waiting for Spring. The wild geese are heading home again. 

I remember warmth.  Sun on my skin.  Your eyes on me Like fire.  Anticipation. 

And the world is somehow much smaller and yet also impossibly big And I am hungry for you and the memories we were supposed to make, Unbooked tickets, untrodden footstep, unseen sights- Un-un-un. 

These days I don't know what to say

So I try to keep it small. 

I don’t pay attention to the world ending. It has ended for me Many times And began again in the morning

We’ve got the time We’ve got the space Claustrophobia and agoraphobia at the same time Like two people in a bed.

Still- You want it.

An amplified state, Mistakes easily made.  Observed. Because of this, Because of this that,  Because of that the other.  My tongue is sour  But it made me feel better.

Say what you mean,  But you better not mean what you say. Consequences. And so it seems safer not to act. I want you now and I want you here You smell my fear But you do not run Or turn away. 

Instead. You wait. 

She believes it’s down to her formula Something broken Long ago- Who knows when  Or what- But broken and never quite completely fixed. 

If you can’t speak it Can you fix it? If you can’t hold it in your hands  Or roll it between the fingers of another Bite down on it teeth clenched, Point it out with hands high Examine it with clear vision Eyes other than your own Then is it real?  Your truth (?)

Still, you wait. 

Fingers stretched for something near An unnecessary longing. A belonging.  I expect sadness Like you expect rain But both offer a new beginning. 

Storm in a teacup. 

We dance in the living room

And wake the neighbours Nothing but presence and potential and facts and future Why does evidence bow down to doubt? We meet in honesty. Inspiration in abundance, Fresh air living. We can find poetry in puzzles,  The garden of eden in our backyard, A sonata in the kitchen sink.

You delivered me. 

When I look at you I know. You do not have to be good To be worthy. You will always be waiting.  Softly. Hopefully. Your body  A warm animal.  My body Nestled A perfect fit.

AKA Closing Thoughts

I set out with the intention to explore creativity and happiness, creating a slice of time whilst I did so. 

As someone who generally works in collectives and big teams, to make a project completely on my own, during lockdown and in a global pandemic, I wanted it to be something gentle. Something I would enjoy doing, that I could use to inform my everyday life, or be informed by it. Basically something to inspire me to look after myself. Reading the previous post made me realise how “classic me” it is that I had to create a project for myself (work) in order to reliably stick to it. 

I’ve not successfully kept a diary since I was a teenager, and with all the talk of “unprecedented” and “strange and uncertain times” I thought this was a nice opportunity to document things.

I’ve always photographed things obsessively, desperately trying to remember the details. I wanted to be more reflected in my presentation of time, and to challenge myself within that. Whether that be the angle (creative, emotional or otherwise), the consistency, the content (if creative) or the writing itself, (I haven’t written anything but marketing copy consistently in years). I wanted to explore a sense of my voice, not putting too much pressure on myself to recreate or mould in a certain way, but also not just flinging things out in the same way I do on social media. A sense of curation and a little bit of tweaking.

I’m normally so busy running round like a headless chicken that I don’t get to explore or develop my practice or creative skill sets at all. I didn’t think it was the correct time to teach myself a whole new skill, but instead wanted to try and combat my fear of trying new things or presenting ideas. I tried to prevent perfectionism creeping in by making the project durational- lots of things and more about consistency out output rather than showstoppers- and creating boundaries. For example I didn’t work on anything for more than a half day. I tried to get comfortable with learning something and accepting that when you’re learning something it’s not going to be incredibly high quality. 

It’s been such a weird time, but also in many ways a golden one. I’m fortunate enough to have been able to embrace the opportunity to live at a much slower pace. To invest time in really looking after myself. I have had the capacity to reflect on what brings me joy and more time to invest in it. To sit with yourself and actually observe how you feel from day to day, how you respond to things without the hecticness of life and the usual distractions, isn’t necessarily always comfortable, but it’s definitely been interesting. 

Strangely, (as a forward planner), after the initial panic and heartbreak of going into lockdown, I found the inability to plan strangely liberating. We were sort of forced into a perpetual present. Which was bewildering, but then sort of nice! I have always struggled with the push and pull between past and present. Trying to strike a balance between reflection and appreciation and melancholy, panic or longing when continually dating your head to looking behind you and ahead of you at the same time. Lockdown enabled me to be truly present in my everyday life for the most sustained periods of my life. Staying in the present and practicing gratitude beyond those moments of joy and wonder, maintaining that sense of stillness and assuredness amongst the more mundane. 

I was lucky to have perhaps the best quaranteam anyone could wish for and I am so grateful. Living with my boyfriend and my two housemates, (two of my best friends) is honestly the most healthy and stable household I have ever been a part of. Individually and collectively, they taught me so much about patience, honesty, vulnerability. Of creativity, consistency and finding the fun. We created a home environment to be proud of and we did so together- a community, a collaboration. We turned everything into an adventure, a concept, an occasion, a routine, a ritual. There is a LOT to be said for organised fun and the creation of new traditions when creating a community and bonding as a new family unit. 

Bel Far Niente

The beauty of doing nothing. 

A few choice quotes from chapter Chapter 21, page 61 in Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert...

“Whilst I have come to Italy to experience pleasure, in the first few weeks I felt a panic about how one should do that. Frankly, pure pleasure is not my cultural paradigm.”

“We had a lot of enjoyment and laughter in my family, but the walls were papered with to-do lists and I never experienced or witnessed idleness, not once in my whole entire life.”

Bel far niente has always been a cherished Italian ideal. The beauty of doing nothing is the goal of all your work, the final accomplishment or which you are most highly congratulated. The more exquisitely and delightfully you can do nothing, the higher your life’s achievement. You don’t necessarily need to be rich in order to experience this, either. There’s another wonderfully Italian expression: l’arte d’arrangiarsi- the art of making something out of nothing, The art of turning a few single ingredients into a. feast, or a few gathered friends into a festival. Anyone with a talent for happiness can do this, not only the rich.” 

“I wanted to take on pleasure like a homework assignment or a giant science fair project. I pondered questions like “how is pleasure most effectively maximised?” I wondered if perhaps I should spend all my time in Italy in the library, doing research on the history of pleasure. Or maybe i should interview Italians who have experienced a lot of pleasure in their lives, asking them what their pleasure feels like and then write a report on the topic.”

Embracing Physical Intimacy

We’re starved of touch. 

From our closest friends, our families. 

The tactility of both romantic and platonic relationships beyond our households. 

Casual greetings with colleagues.

Laying in bed with lovers.  

The brush of strangers on rush hour trams.  

I’m not sure we realised the weight of the meaning which it carried without words. 

So we’ve embraced the small things. 

Four in a bed. 

Shared blankets for films on the sofa. 

Post yoga massage. 

Entwined legs on hungover mornings. 

We could have done more.

We definitely all need more. 

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens

Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens

Brown paper packages tied up with strings

Lists are some of my favourite things!

I think I love lists because I love to list my favourite things. I’m terribly long winded, and lists allow me an opportunity to be both long winded and brief at the same time. It’s an unrestrained shorthand where you get to log the memory, spark the interest or quickly paint the picture without necessarily having to exercise the editing skills to exclude it fully OR allow yourself the indulgence to explore it as fully as you’d wish. A loophole if you will. And a sort of compromise that feels positive and somehow feels a good fit for my particular personality. 

One could argue this entire project has be an extrapolated list. Taking the time to notice, document and examining the things that make me tick and bring me joy in a strange and confined situation. Deprived of many of our usual pleasures, distractions, and opportunities, how do we create our own fun, stimulation and connection?

So as I draw to the end of the project, (i’ll be honest, I’ve found it hard to find a cut off point!) here’s a list of some of the things that didn’t make the blog...

Things that have also defined quarantine and have either been sought out or inadvertently bought joy..

Recipes passed down and perfected over time

The cooking rota and sitting down to eat together 

Eating down the cupboards after stocking up on dried goods

Instagram filters

Borrowing dogs from around the neighbourhood to take on walks

Seeing dogs play together and sniff each other's butts at the park when we can’t even see friends let alone touch friends, truly heartwarming.

Homemade beauty treatments and remedies

Dressing up

Candlelit dinners

Baking (or rather eating other peoples baking)

Outside breaks

Flowers, bird song, the return of nature

Memes

Making an occasion of it- popping a table cloth on or cracking out a candle to round off the day. 

Making the most of the weekends and differentiating our activities even though it could be any other day

Yoga with Adriene

Living vicariously through others or through your past self. 

Seeing someone experience something new

That Volife vegan feta- a true lockdown friend. 

Seeing how creative people can be when they have the time and space to be (AKA Quality Corona Content)

Fresh flowers

Fizzy drinks

The sun!

Organised fun

Sending and receiving post

Being warm enough to let your hair dry naturally

Building communities online

Trivia and general knowledge

Stroking animals

Eating down the cupboards and the freezer

Longing

Realising all the things you love that you often take for granted. 

Having a garden

Running without a route

Discovering new music

Stumbling across and treasuring a new sight on your usual routes

Having a theme to work with

Getting dressed up just to sit in the living room. 

Children laughing

Conversations with friends

A breath of fresh air

Getting sweaty/moving your body

Dancing

Singing in the shower

Exploring a neighbourhood you know well with renewed curiosity and open eyes. 

Getting your hands dirty, (whether that be baking or in the garden)

Spring cleaning

Making things, (even if you’re rubbish at it!)

Photographs

Documenting things

Nostalgia and reminiscing

Reviving old hobbies.

Appreciating the classics. 

Embracing tradition. 

Disrupting expectation. 

The wonder of the weather! Watching it as it changes (for better or worse.)

Having a barney and sometimes that sorting things out. 

Making things “candle lit”

Perfume and scent

A beloved old jumper on a cold day.

Gift giving

Listening to someone speak with passion

Organised fun

Playing games

Play in general

Taking a walk around the block early evening when the light is nice without headphones or company. 

A stiff drink at the end of a long day, (or just for the hell of it.)

Taking inspiration from animals and their instinctive search for comfort and pleasure. Chippy teas.

Lucking out on the neighbourhood whatsapp group. 

Reading in the garden. 

Less time talking and more time listening. 

Putting on lipstick to do something mundane. 

Climbing trees. 

Peaking too soon with the bank holiday day drinking and having a snooze in the garden

Wide open green spaces, wherever you can find them. 

Exploring

Foraging