I’m scared. That’s the truth of my whole existence. A constant fear of failure, of change, of my thoughts and feelings. Essentially I fear life.

I’m afraid that I’ll be stuck in this exact spot for the rest of my life. Yet I’m equally afraid that life as I know it all of a sudden will become unknown. I’m afraid that if I allow myself to love you I might change my mind some day and end up hurting you. Or worse, I’ll stick with you anyway.

I’m afraid that this slowly growing panic, like lungs turning to stone, will turn me into a useless excuse of a human being. How will I function if my lungs give out?

“I love you”

OK, I can’t pretend I didn’t hear him this time. Why on earth did you have to ruin this? It’s only been two months, do you not realize that I can’t take you seriously even if I wanted to?

Will I be able to take anything he says seriously from now on? How can I trust that any of the things he says to me are true?

You don't love me, how could you? It's only been two months. Shit, he’s waiting.

“How was that restaurant you and your mom visited yesterday?”

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. SHIT! Ok. Just smile... and kiss him.

No you don’t. You like having sex with me, there’s a difference.

I don’t remember being this annoying as a teen. Loud, rude and all over the place.

Getting checked out while walking past a group of guys. Approving whistles. Am I supposed to be flattered? Well I’m not.

You can shove your approval up your arses. I’m tired of being deemed fuckable by random strangers. Heck I’m tired of being considered fuckable by the men I date.

You would probably benefit from having your dicks removed.

Isn’t it amazing how a little rejection can ruin your whole evening? I guess I’m slightly vulnerable at the time being. All I wanted was for you to hold me. Feeling inadequate and unattractive. You just don’t get it do you? I needed you to want me tonight. Runny nose and puffy eyes. Since when are you put off by a common cold?

I don’t want to see you anymore. I realize that I’m overreacting. But I don’t.

We are spending all of our time together in bed lately. We used to do all the typical things couples do, dinners, moves, walks in the park. Now all I get is late evenings, preferably the night before you have to get up early for work. Slam bam thank you ma’am and whatever is on TV until you fall asleep.

I’ll lie awake for hours wondering if maybe I’m better off without your touch. Even though my body screams for it whenever you’re near. Even thought you have no interest in getting me off. Leaving me unsatisfied. Craving more.

Five years of university studies. Forty-six jobs applied to. Not a single reply.

What a complete waste of time and self-esteem.

Contemplating changing my career path altogether but what jobs are there that doesn't require another five years of education?

I will end up in a profession traditional to my gender that pays little to nothing, you know… so that any future partner I might have always has a financial advantage in our relationship.

I went through some pictures from last summer. My ex was featured in some of them. He was hotter then you are.

He will never change and you should get out while you can.

You’re a selfish lover. If this keeps up we will be done before the end of this month.

I get it, if I don’t get a job soon we can’t go to Paris this fall. Broke people don’t go to Paris and I’m broke.

But your heartfelt advice about job hunting is slightly less heartfelt when your only motive is obtaining a traveling companion. Have you asked me how I am feeling even once this month? I can’t remember.

Sometimes I wonder if you are even capable of thinking and caring about someone other than yourself. You might just be the most selfish person I know.

If you really wanted to see me tonight you would have. Your excuse being your fear of hurting someone’s feelings by leaving the party too soon. Well guess what? You. Hurt. Mine. But I suppose watching hockey on a big flat screen at a noisy bar with your friends will prove a fabulous evening.