xev ☆

“I want to try to…” he wrung his hands together as you put away the dishes he cleaned. You turned your head towards him, hand still outstretched as the plates clinked with one another. You didn’t interrupt him, not wanting him to lose his thoughts.

“…Cuddle.” The word felt wrong on his lips. It’s something he’d never thought he’d want or even have the opportunity to try.

Seeing that little sparkle in your eyes come to life washed away most of the doubt that swallowed him whole. His cheeks rose and filled out as he smiled, eyes crinkling when you fully faced him.

You were obviously trying to hide your excitement. Lars learned you were pretty bad at that—you always gave it away with that smile that was just a smidge too wide to be just ‘happy’. With hands clasped behind your back, you took a small step towards him, bouncing slightly on the balls on your feet.

“When…when do you want to try?” You asked, rolling back onto your sock covered heels.

He swallows thickly. “Tonight.” His voice comes out more demanding than asking. He shakes his head and squeezes his eyes shut for a second, before looking back at you. “Only if you want.” He backtracks, thick fingers messing with the hem of his favorite sweater he wears around the house.

You nod enthusiastically, shifting your feet on the smooth wood of his ‘kitchen’. “I’d love to, Lars.”

You both decide to watch a movie before bed, with you sitting next to him, gently leaning on him. Lars leans into you, both of you keeping yourselves upright.

It started with a small yawn on your part. Then a big yawn from the large man beside you, and another yawn from you, which eventually lead to you both mutually deciding to end the movie early and retire to bed.

You followed Lars’ nightly routine with him. You brushed your teeth with the spare he bought for when you stayed over, shoulders occasionally brushing with little reaction on Lars’ part—more of recognition than anything distressing.

He gave you a pair of old shorts and one of his only short sleeve shirts (he knows you don’t like tight sleeves on your arms), and you dressed in the bathroom while he changed in his bedroom.

Stepping out of the bathroom and towards the bedroom, you peeked your head in the doorway, seeing Lars sitting oh so politely on his bed—back straight, hands clasped in his lap. A hand leaves his lap to give you a wave when he sees you in the doorway, and you can’t help but giggle and wave back, which makes Lars smile.

You sit down next to him, one leg tucked underneath your body on the mattress as the other dangles off the bed. “How do you want to do this?” You ask gently, watching as Lars’ gaze flickers from you to the mattress beneath him.

“Well,” Lars starts, tongue messing with the inside of his bottom lip before he catches it with his teeth. He’s nervous. “I don’t, I don’t really know.” He admits softly. He braces himself for a sudden rejection, a ‘nevermind, I don’t want to do this’ that never comes.

Instead, you offer an idea.

“Do you want to just lay down and…go for it?” You shift further back on the twin sized bed, and Lars shifts with you absentmindedly.

You watch Lars debate with himself in real time. You can see when he’s weighing the action with the outcome, and when a bad outcome creeps into his mind—but you also see the moment when he manages to put it all aside, and lays down on the right side of his mattress with enough room for you on the other.

“I’m ready.” His voice is soft, laced with a hint of sleep that you don’t catch in your own drowsy state. You slowly nod in confirmation, lowering yourself down to rest your head on his pillow.

Your faces are probably closer than they’ve ever been before, but Lars doesn’t seem uncomfortable—nervous, yes. He closes his eyes, drinking in the moment, and you realize that this might be what he meant by cuddling. You’re fine with that, and you two are decently closer than you normally are on the couch—

Big paws suddenly find their way onto your shoulders, settling before they curl around your body. The left snakes its way behind your neck and comes up to cradle your head, his arm shielding around you. His right wiggles its way underneath your side that you’re laying on—at first it’s slightly awkward and uncomfy, but you soon melt into his embrace when his full arm comes to wrap around your middle.

Lars gaze is soft, currently fixated on the hand that’s cradling your head. You both lay together, a bit awkward in his arms as he’s technically holding you yet you’re still quite a distance away from being held against his chest.

Lars soon tugs you closer, and you make a small noise that causes him to check on you.

“I’m okay, Lars.” You whisper, and Lars sighs in relief.

He tugs you closer a little bit more. A little more. A little more, until you're completely flush with his chest, your head tucked under his chin. You sigh against the soft fabric of his shirt, curling your arms close to your chest as he holds you close.

“Is it okay?” You mumble, a small yawn wracking through your frame.

You feel his head bob up and down slowly, the movement weighed down by sleep. You hear a small sniffle from above.

“Mhm.” He presses his nose to your hair. “No. No, it’s great.” He corrects himself, his gentle voice breaking on the last word. You feel a tear fall into your hair, and you nuzzle closer. You’ve learned that Lars just needs to feel things sometimes, and let him regulate himself.

“Very great,” you press a soft kiss to the fabric covering his heart. Lars holds you tighter, and you a small, content sound that Lars mistakes for discomfort. He loosens immediately, looking down at you with a stray tear down his face.

“Did I hurt you? Are you okay?” He worries about his bottom lip between his teeth, and you can’t help but smile at his concern. You shake your head.

“No, no. Good noise,” you murmur, your sleepy voice barely making a sound. “I like it when you held me tight. Made me feel safe.” You watch as his worried frown morphed into a dopey smile, pulling you back to his chest.

He tightened his grip on you, whispering into your hair. “Is this okay?” When you nod, he finally closes his eyes.

Lars never thought he’d be able to hold hands with someone, let alone cuddle—but you have proved him wrong, and he hopes you continue to.