Dear Self

Dear Self, 

How do you know when you’ve let something go? 

There are really many stages to this process, and for someone who’s certifiably addicted to thought, it’s tempting to wonder about such things. 

It’s tempting to wonder about everything. 

So, how do you know when you’ve really let something go? 

When you can stop worrying about falling into tired habits and old thought patterns and move forward without getting stuck in the same ruts? How do you determine at what point your surrender has been sufficient enough to free you and that you’re no longer holding onto fragments of false beliefs? How do you know things will be different?

Writing this out makes it seem like a silly question. I mean, asking the question would seem to indicate that what you presume to have let go of is still with you - demanding that the question still be answered.

But perhaps it’s just that the process is never really finished until you no longer wonder what comes next - you no longer think to ask the question. 

Maybe you only really let go when you let go every day.

I think there are some signs of authentic surrender, though. 

One is an abiding relief. Less “I have to” and more “I want to.”

Less “How will this all work out?” and more “I don’t know and that’s ok.”

Less pushing, less trying, less proving, more acceptance, trust, willingness.  Less pressure, more privilege. 

The things you feel concerning the things you let go of give you clues as to whether there are relics of old patterns you’re still holding onto. 

But you still have to let go every day.  Until you don’t anymore. 

Thanks for showing me the way back to you was through me. 

I was confused for a while. 

Thanks for being bigger than all of our fighting. 

We all get confused sometimes. 

Keep showing us the way to you, 

to ourselves. 

Dear Self, 

Don’t be afraid of losing what’s in your mind today. 

What’s meant to stick around, will. 

Dear Self,

What an incredible spaceship,  this mind you drive around everyday. It can take you anywhere you want to go, if you dare to go there. 

Some people’ ships hang out in deep space, searching for the oldest stars,  others swarm around the sun, happy with the light that burns in front of them,  others’ ships act like comets, in short but mighty bursts that everyone watches for a moment before they disappear.

On any given day, you can drive your spaceship where you want it to go, but there are still tides in space,  so you have to be mindful. 

What a lucky little astronaut. 

You always wanted to explore infinity.  Well, your own galaxy is a good place to start.  You’ll never get bored, and you’ll never be able to map every corner of eternity, but in order to navigate well, you’ll need to learn to drive your spaceship like a pro. 

That’s happening now, by paying attention,  by tuning in to the daily frequency before you set out on today’s journey.

Dear Self, the ride gets scary sometimes,  it gets real and you have to be brave and believe and ride it out. But when you round the next bend of blackness, and your eyes fall on the most incredible world you never knew existed,  you’ll remember this is why you go.

Sometimes, the most breathtaking discovery is when you find Home.

Let every part of the adventure delight you.  Don’t try so hard to find the hidden truth.  It exists in plain sight.  It even travels with you in all your endless efforts to solve the puzzle of your life.

This is your life,  and you get to live it. This is the puzzle,  and its solution. 

Now, get in your spaceship and fly!

Dear Self, 

No one is keeping track but you.

Each and every day feels different, but each and every day holds the same capacity for glory, excellence, magic, love, aliveness, peace, excitement . . .  Life. 

Feelings are simply the current you’re working with today,  and with practice, navigating them becomes easier . . .  Smile, for you are in control of your world, as much as you decide to me. 

Dear Self, don’t wait for life to catch up to your dreams,  don’t wait for it to surprise you - invite it to,  chose for this moment to bring something new and different and powerful into your view. 

It’s not deluding yourself,  it’s creating yourself,  and shaping your world. 

Dear Self, 

When you feel blah, disconnected, far from home without a compass to find your way,  breath in and out,  smile, say something out loud, and the world that is your only true home begins to materialize around you.

You are your home, and as long as you can hear the sound of your own voice,  you needn’t worry about losing your way,  for it is your North Star and your compass,  if only you will stop being spooked by it.

How do you ever expect to find your way when you fear the sound of your own voice? How do you expect to lead others without raising the frequency of your own vibration?

Chirp, little bird, and sing your beautiful song for everyone awake in the dark of morning, or for only the sky to hear. 

But sing, and you will be home. 

Dear Self,

On the days you’re not sure what to do, or even how you feel, when the mental landscape is cluttered with space and dust and your soul feels a bit like an asteroid tearing through space toward your own planet and the answer to every question is Zero and the Up to your Down is “Does it matter?” and the only thing you know is that right now you smell like smoke and it’s your own heart smoldering in the embers of another moment sitting her, alive, alone . . .

When you know nothing more than that, the best thing to do is just start talking. Invisible ears will hear you and, just as importantly, your own ears will hear you.

Never fear your own voice, no matter how confused it may sound. It is the quivering force of Creation that brings your world into being.

Let there be Light.

Dear Self,

Reactions.  They tell you a lot. They’re teaching you now. What are they saying about you?

When you look deeply at your behaviors on the road, what do you see? I see someone in a hurry - always feeling behind and blaming, or mowing over, anyone in your way or slowing you down.  You act like traffic is a cut-throat enactment of real life - always never enough.  I see someone inconsiderate and angry because of this. Someone looking for control of one because she feels out of control of the other. 

Self, work on changing your reactions, and before you know it, a lot will have changed. Reactions point to your core, your deeply ingrained beliefs and feelings, the beginning of the subconscious.  Work on changing your reactions and you’re literally re-structuring your mind from the ground up. 

It’s worth practicing, isn’t it?

Dear Self, 

When you don’t feel strong enough to carry yourself or your hopes, dreams, or purpose on any given day, your rituals can carry you.  They can give shape to your nebulous heart and sight to your tired eyes and energy to your sleepy body and purpose to your “meh” mind.

Rituals can carry you forward even when you haven’t rested or lack motivation. Rituals bond you to the practices that enliven your soul and help keep you on track. They’re protection against the strong currents in the River of Feelings each day, and guides to lead you faithfully to your daily altars. 

If you just practice, the growth will take care of itself.

Rituals are your friends.  Everything is ceremony.  All ceremony is sacred.  Sacred is not always glamorous.  Sacred is just sacred. 

Dear Self,

“The practice of peace and reconciliation is one of the most vital and artistic of human actions.”

Creating harmony in music is a wonderful talent.  Creating harmony between hearts is a miraculous cosmic event.  An art so infinite and powerful that it transforms the world, by transforming hurt and anger into understanding and love.

Every relationship in our lives is a canvas on which we paint with the words we say, the interactions we have, the judgements - or non-judgements - we make. The relationships mangled with mis-understandings , distrust and difficult history are our most promising masterpieces - the crude materials of our love’s legacy. 

It’s so easy to think about our relationships cheaply, as tools meant to serve us, to pick up and put down whenever we want. But if there’s any evidence of divine presence in our lives, it appears in the people we encounter in this world, however briefly or inextricably, effortless or complicated. 

Possibly no part of our lives holds more transformative power than relationships, nor creates a truer artist than learn learning to love well. 

Dear Self, 

What if all the differences and contrast and juxtaposition and diversity and seemingly opposed pieces were not separate from one another at all,  but One?

Varied expressions of a single entity, manifestations of a complex essencethat only seems separate until you expand enough to at least sense the grand Union of all, even if you can’t see it? Maybe one day you will see it.

How would this notion change you, your behavior, and first, your thinking about the life you get to live?

How would you approach each day? How would you talk to yourself? How would you interact with people? What would you change about your work in the world?

You’ve developed a practice of holistic living in your physical body ... what about in your creation? The work you do, the words you say, the life you lead, the knowledge, experiences and truth you share,  the love you express?

Dualism is one of the most pervasive thought pattern in human consciousness, but that doesn’t mean it leads us in the right direction.

How can you learn to recognize when you’re getting stuff in dualistic thought? Wandering around in the unfriendly realm of opposites? Trapped in the dungeons of This or That?

The first clue is when things don’t make sense. 

When it seems like an unsolvable puzzle. When it feels like you must choose, but how the fuck do you choose?  When you encounter opposites.  When it would appear that some thing must transform before progress can be made or before proceeding. Before an answer reveals itself. 

The transformation begins to occur the moment you recognize it. And if you look deeply, you can see the transformed result already present in the thing you’re looking at.

You can see flowers in the compost and compost in the flowers.  You can see reconciliation in brokenness and peace in anger and harmony in the minor notes.  You can see the puzzle, put together. 

And then you can lay the pieces down every day.

Dear Self,

No one has it all figured out.  Don’t think you’ll be the first, Or that you need to be.

Dear Self, Be careful not to run over your teachers. Lots of times they show up in the darkest places, like on your morning run with Kanye, showing up in your view right as you're about to squash their sacred presence with your neon soles. I picture them as guides in our everyday adventures, appearing at just the right times with words of wisdom if our ears are open to hear them. They are the Gandalfs and Rafikis and alchemists of our personal worlds, appointed to help us along in our journey. Snail greeted me today with a pretty clear message. Let go of expectations, Snail said. Specifically, ones that are attached to a timeline. It's hard not to consider time, because we know it is limited and we want to make the most of it. But the power to make the most of our time exists no matter what we are doing got where we are, or who we are with. If we are paying attention, we're making the most of our time. It's ok to go slow. It's even ok to let life pass you by, because it is possible to miss life in search of life's goals. 

You’re a slow creature by nature, prone to take your sweet time in everything, except in your own expectations for yourself.  Learn to exercise patience with yourself, because you don’t want to wither away from FOMO. 

Snail says “I know you love to run, but come chill with me for a while. Instead of always running but never arriving, it is possible to arrive in every moment. Just stick with me, I’ll show you how.”

“Hmmm,” I said, “I’m doubtful.”

“Of course you are. But time can be your friend when you think this way. And time is a very good friend to have, because Right Now is always on your side. Later is always running from you. You will be much happier and less controlled by time if you will become friends with the present moment, and the you and the life and the truth and the beauty and the connections of the present moment.”

“Ah,” I said. “I see. Why hurry?”

“Precisely,” Snail said, and stayed there as I ran on.

Dear Self,

Wouldn’t it be the grandest paradox of the most painfully ordinary things of life - roadside construction, post office lines, rent going up, puppy pee on the carpet, another visit to s familiar coffee shop, conversations in the produce section, waiting room silence, rusty window panes …

if they were all as exciting and invigorating as a grand adventure?

As dreamy as touring Europe for three months or backpacking the PCH or camping in the desert or skydiving into the sea …

If everything can become ordinary with repetition, the the most regular things can become new by forgetting their normalness. By looking deeply, everything can become an adventure - even this tragically simple life.

Who’s eyes are you looking with?

The eyes of someone waiting for adventure to find them, or an explorer, who creates it?