Pilar of Hope

I was moody today, and it was not good. I was thinking about everything that happened all those years ago and it put me in such a foul mood. I took it out on Josh, I know I did. Yes, I was hurt that he didn’t tell me before they’d posted anything, but I didn’t have to get as upset as I did. It seemed so much more dramatic because of my horrid mood.

So I did what I told him I was going to do, disappear for a bit. I went on a walk, yes I was alone and yes it was dark out but I’ve done this walk a million times, I didn’t think tonight was going to be any different. Until he approached me.

It was one of those things where I just immediately got this feeling that I had to get out of there. At first it was fine, we passed each other and I thought everything was fine. But then I felt myself being pushed from behind, I tried to fight it until my body slammed into a tree. This man, this stranger, held what felt like a knife to my back and told me not to scream, and I was frozen. Everything that happened all those years ago came rushing back and it was about to happen again. The stranger’s hands were on me, on my skin..Until a group of teenagers came stumbling by on their way to get high.

Thank God they were, as soon as they saw us the guy ran off. I thanked them and quickly found my way back home where I sat on the floor by my door sobbing over what had happened.

How am I going to tell Matt? How am I going to tell him that I can’t even kiss him but this stranger had his hands on me and I couldn’t fight it? I just stood there like an idiot not doing anything. How am I going to tell Josh? How am I going to tell anyone besides Mat? 

I’m not sure why I expected the same, it’s not like I’m his sister. Yes biologically he’s my brother but...I’m just some girl who works for Marianas Trench.

This have been going pretty well lately. I had a date with Matt the last night of tour that was just..You can tell he put so much effort into it. It was by a little lake, and he had some of his friends go set up this picnic and put up these twinkling lights on some trees. We did the whole cheesy slow dancing thing by the water and he kissed me on the forehead. He’s been so respectful in that sense since I told him about you and your father. He hasn’t pushed me at all to move any faster physically than we’re at right now. I really like that about him.

I guess going in order the next thing that happened was me meeting my dad. I think Josh was right, I had nothing to be scared of. It was awkward as heck don’t get me wrong, but I didn’t really have to do anything to impress him, he just wanted to get to know me. I didn’t have the guts to ask him about him and my mom but maybe someday. I’m glad I went through with it and met him and my sisters. Josh kept his promise and was there for me the whole time, I’m really lucky to have him and I wish he could have met you. He would have loved you so much and probably been an amazing uncle. He’s been an amazing brother so I can’t see why he wouldn’t be a million times better at being an uncle.

While I was at the Ramsay’s though, Matt threw a rock at my window and..Man this still seems like a dream to me. I opened the window and asked what he was doing there, and he was just standing there with a guitar and we talked a little bit before he played Beside You and asked me to be his girlfriend, like officially his girlfriend. I haven’t told him that he’s my actual first boyfriend and that I’ve never done this before but, I think I’m going to. I just don’t want him to think that he has to change or try harder to be the picture perfect boyfriend because I just want him, he’s already been perfect. I wish you could’ve been here to meet him. 

Well, everything with Matt has seemed to clear up and we’re pretty much back to where we were before he pulled the 180. We were talking last night and I brought up how we’d laid on the grass and how it had been one of my favorite moments since I’d joined tour, and he said he’d wanted to kiss me that day. The truth? I would have let him. I haven’t been kissed in so very long, and Matt..Gosh he’s amazing. He treats me so great, lately he’s been treating me like I’m fragile because I haven’t completely forgiven him for everything that happened, but I’m getting there.