The Secret Council

A lot of things come to mind recently, but I wonder a lot about if I should go back to school to try to study or do what I want. I.e. to pursue my dream job. I currently am in an okay job, but I don’t feel it is my dream job or what I really really like. I would like to pivot. I’ve thought of things like going into more modern stuff like AI or autonomous driving, or the future of transportation i.e. big data.

I just feel like I get what’s going on, and I can do my job, I just don’t like what it is that I am doing all the time. I can do it well, but I think it’s time to pivot, and that I do have what it takes to get to my dream job, and I have demonstrated it to myself, but I feel like I can do a lot better.

Notes to self, I should ask my friend about what it was like through his MBA. 

either that or go back to school. i.e. M.Eng, MBA, PMP, 

In order for us to move out, I have to be the one to pay the mortgage.

But my future wife is never going to want to live with my parents.

But there’s no way for me to move out to get a place and buy a place for my parents and my sister - there isn’t enough money to do that and especially not enough to buy something comparable. 

So i’m stuck. In order for me to fulfill the wishes and the desires for my family, I have to move out with them and foot the mortgage. But my future wife is never going to move into a household to live with the inlaws, plus not ever being able to invite friends over and have them crash where they want is a huge disadvantage. 

But even if I did want to move away in a few years.... there just isn’t the money to buy two places, and my mom is saying that I would leave them homeless.... well not exactly, but in the real estate market of Vancouver, that’s essentially what it is. 

Being a person in my late 20′s, with a 75k salary job, trying to pay through my family for the next 30 years is incredibly daunting thing to think about. I’d be paying a mortgage for the life of me that I have lived. That is daunting, and a reality I don’t really want to accept.

So it really feels like I’m stuck being me, my family, or my significant other.

Ideally, my sister would find work and be able to pay for this, but 90%, the reality is not going to be like that and her position will not be another one of those runaway lucrative type of jobs either.

I work really hard at work to the point that I’m burning out and losing my own sanity, but I never imagined that as someone who did well in high school, did exceptional in university, would still be in a situation where I can’t find a proper way to add up the equation. 

Part of it is the burden of privilege, or lack there of it. I mean, I’m fortunate that I”m not at the far end of the straw, and I like that better for the upbringing that I was raised in where I do have a strong and early appreciation for the value of money. But I am in the bottom half when it comes to my family’s given wealth. There honestly isn’t much when it comes to the accounts that my family has either.

It’s tough..... 

I mean, I always thought that people in my field who lived paycheque to paycheque were in a lifestyle choice, 

but it hits me harder now that it’s not even that, it’s just circumstance and privilege. I thought finding a job like mine would make me feel comfortable in life. I mean, 

Fuck 

I don’t even have the opportunity/time/money to even go back to get a masters that I wanted.

But all I see is disparity every where I go.

I see sadness

and for a person whose emotions don’t usually rise up, 

this is hard

because we’re supposed to be seen as strong

that these things don’t bother us. 

but it does

and it’s hard

and for the first time in a long while

I don’t know what to do.

I control the balance of power, as I would pay the mortgage, but I can’t abandon my family right now, but I also don’t want to give up m future wife.

But these are the problems of life...

And this is a blog, that no one reads, so I can rant about these things and get them out.

At one point, these ideas will come to you, but I am just not ready to say them for the time being.

I’m not mad nor upset of what you’re saying because what you’re saying is what I feel internally too, but it is very difficult to balance between family needs/desires and my future needs and desires with you. 

On one hand, I cannot forsake my family. And on the other, I do want a life with you that does not involve sharing a place with my parents. 

But arguably familial responsibilities should govern... at least the way I have been raised, and I’ve never had an issue here like this.

I like what we have right now and don’t want that to end, but I feel like I need to find out some stuff on my own.

Which may be true, and I'm perfectly fine with giving you some time if you need it, but just remember not to shut me out. If you have things going on, you can talk to me, and even though I don't need you to always speak with me, I need you to know that I am still here, and will support in whatever capacity I can.

I know there are some things that can be touchy for people. Heck, I don't know why I even mentioned to you that time I thought I failed a midterm. I mean, we were talking about me here... (no offense), but it's something that's true to me, that is hard to bring up with people.

Normally that's the thing, there are some things that we can't talk with other people about. But if it really comes down to it, don't think that I won't throw my judgements aside and just act impartial. (Just as long as like, you tell me... "hey, I know this isn't kinda the thing to bring up with you, but I need someone to talk.) And honestly, I would be totally fine with that.

I know you're stressed. And we all have different ways of handling our stresses, but I don't want you to shut me out, and try to handle everything by yourself. Sometimes, there will be things, that you or I may just want to handle on ourselves. That's fine. And I'm sure today is probably one of those. You just need some time alone, and I'm not going to press. I mean, you've spoken to me that it's time you want by yourself, but... don't think that you can't come to me when you really need to.

You should probably know by this point what 'recent lesson', I'm drawing upon. And I know you're familiar with it as well, so I want you to remember that. You don't have to discuss everything with me, but keep me in the loop.

Just take things one step at a time. We have to keep an eye on the big picture.

Think of an event / choose place to go

Open even up for others to join

Event continues regardless:

Rain or Shine

Full or Empty (of people)        <- This clause unique to pretty much only me.

Only Cancel if:

Subject person(s) cannot make it (usually myself though, so 

Let's see...

MZY - cassim  MZY - reunion - video MZY - headphones MZY - final training  - video

-reunionnight - [fair] -volunteers Cassim  - AM -gamenight - S&L -  MB -triu - MB -photos - SM,AM,et al

-nuitblanche - EVERYONE

Sometimes...... you know... I find people do take advantage of my kindness and forgiveness, and it seems they take it as a weakness, like I am "for-hire" friend to fill a fourth position needed for a board game, or a someone to fill for a game match....

I'm really sorry, if you see me that way. 

I give my time because I care, and because I think it is a good bonding opportunity, and friendship developing activity. 

I'm a little irked this week. This week hasn't been all that great.The worse is not that friends cancel on me, but when I no longer feel that I get treated with any dignity or respect. That is when it hurts the most, and to have time wasted on top of it, is indeed to add insult.

When I say yes, I'm usually free, that means I don't have a tight schedule, and can move my plans around. [I'm good at doing that.] It doesn't mean that I have nothing else better to do, and can always cater to everyone's longing demand. 

Don't promise something and go back on it. I would rather you have never tried to promise anything in the first place.

Apologize once and show your intent Apologize twice, that’s not what I meant

For a speech based apology means nothing. One can repeat that time after time, but it takes hardly any effort and the resolution value is very low. Maybe in elementary school I would’ve accepted it, but even that I doubt.

The strongest apology one can make is one that shows sincerity, and shows desire to improve (for applicable scenarios).

I don’t want to hear an apology. I want to see it.

Yes you’re sorry, but you’re probably not really. Or at least I’m not feeling it.

Don’t always think I’ll just forget about it over time. (more been generally, the other party never recognizes that I am still put off. And you see, that’s the trick! Well maybe. I try to be nice and accommodating on the outside, but inside, I always wanting something more. I guess it’s a test.

To tell me plans of cancellation while I have already wasted two hours waiting around after work is just downright rude and on my end, disrespectful.

I understand that it is life, and things go awry, but I feel like I'm always kept in the dark, or forgotten off to the side.

I could've gone home two hours earlier, I could've spent that much more time enjoying my Friday, yet, I sat around work for a few hours, got some questions from my coworkers, and all... All... A futile expense of energy.

And this is not the first time something like this has happened. This is not the first time from this group of people.

And yes, I understand it is life. Crap happens. But I am a person too, with emotions and judgement and plans and my own life too. Life is short enough as it is after you subtract all the hours for work and sleep and school. (not saying that those activities aren't fulfilling, I'm just making the point.)

And so... Times like these... I feel like a second class acquaintance. Perhaps it was a mistake to too early lend these people my trust.

It will be a hard road for them to earn it back.

Just apologize, own up to it, and we can move on.