I'm a little tipsy, but it certainly doesn't stop me from punching the bag so far is nearly falls off the hook it on. I'm so upset, but the adrenaline is fading little by little, being replaced by a calmer, slowly-receding anger. Me and Hawk pass around a bottle of gin as we both sit in his basement, both of us on one of the Moskowitz's big leather couches.
"I fucking hate him. Why did I ever even trust him?"
Hawk: "We all mistakes. But, I was right from the beginning, then."
Hawk: "Can you tell me about the drunk stuff now? Like, please tell me you guys were both drunk. I'm not even kidding dude, I'll fuck him up so badly for you."
I think a while. I didn't think of it as him taking advantage at the time, but maybe Tory was right? We learned about that in class too, if you're drunk, consent is non existent, right? We learned that. Although, what happens if both of us were drunk? Does the rule still apply? This is too much deep thinking for semi-drunk me.
"I... I uh, we were both pretty drunk, I guess. I was more drunk though, probably."
Hawk: "I think you need to get your story straight. I mean, you know I'm always on your side, but if he didn't do anything, it's kind of fucked to say he did."
"I didn't though! Tory did! I didn't say he did. All I said was, that we got drunk and he kissed me and all the stuff that happened before, like when we were in sensei's apartment looking for stuff..."
Hawk: "Was there more to that than what you told me? That ya'll got drunk and looked at nudie mag that uh, wasn't even like, Playboy or anything, but an ancient Sports Illustrated? And he told you some stuff about his shitty mom and you told him some stuff about your shitty dad?"
Hawk: "Uh? I'm asking you, was that it or what?"
"Ugh god. I don't know... I mean not really... a little bit? The first thing that kinda happened was after I sat down on the couch, I guess I sat like, really close to him or something... I can't fucking remember, he put his hand on my leg, and I was, 'okay, this is happening' but I didn't really think too much of it?"
I cut him off in my haste to explain. "I was having fun and then he kissed me while we were at the bar. That's it. Oh right, and then we shared a bed and I ran out the next morning... mostly cause I was late for school."
Hawk: "Well, I know Sam isn't as uh... emotional as Moon is, but I'd have gotten my ass creamed for some of that 'can't wait to see you at work, meet you out back' stuff she's been posting."
I groan. My head suddenly hurts again. "Yeah, I know that now... about Tory. I think I gave her the wrong impression... I'm gonna text her, ask her what the fuck."
Hawk leans over to look. "Maybe you ought to wait until you can type properly."
I wave him off. "No, I'm fine. I wanna ask her now."
For a few minutes I tap away, and we're mostly quiet until he asks me something else.
Hawk: "Just so I know... did you share a bed like me and you share a bed or, like Moon and I used to share a bed?"
I don't get it. "Whatād you mean?"
He looks at me. "Well, I mean... Did you just sleep with the intention of sleeping, or was it like... with the expectation of something else too? Like, I hate to ask this, but did you want... something to happen?"
"I... I'm not sure." This is embarrassing. "I mean, maybe I did. I don't know. He asked to kiss me again after the first time, when we were in bed and I said... ugh, I can't remember really... I think I said like 'if you want'. I wasn't sure about it. You get it?"
Hawk: "Yeah, I get it. And what did he say after that? Did you do anything else?"
"No. I mumbled something and went to sleep."
Hawk: "Well, there ya go. I donāt need to kick his ass.. yet, Unless he does something else stupid, then I can."
āSure. I say, half hearted and hoping sincerely that nothing else comes of him hating me now. We can just hate one another like before, like nothing had changed. Except we now hate each other for very different reasons.Ā
I take a few sips from the bottle were passing back and forth, pleasantly fuzzy headed. "Can I tell you something?"
Hawk: "At this point man, I think you could tell me anything."
"It felt kinda nice, being wanted like that. He said I was pretty, that I was cute, all these things that felt fucking great to hear. After Sam and I broke up I barely even got looked at, do you know how nice it feels to have someone look at you that way? I fell for it. I mean, obviously you do, duh. That was a stupid question..."
Hawk (smiling): "Yeah, a little bit. I'll tell you something, though. You can do that. You just can't, dude. It's not fair. When Moon dumped me it was shitty. I know that feeling, I do. I missed it too, but you gotta deal with this shit better, man. You can't just fall for everyone that gives you attention... Cause then what happens when you don't actually want them? Just the attention?"
"That I wasn't sure whether I liked him, or liked... the nice stuff he was saying. I fucking told. him. that."
Hawk: "Relax, dude. I believe you."
I put my head between my knees. I feel like I'm gonna start bawling. I think I've cried quite enough for everything in the past year, no more crying. "Sam's gonna hate me."
Hawk: "She loves you man, she can't hate you."
I bring my head up. "How do I know that? Maybe this'll be the the time she finally says she's done for good. He already took her away once, he can probably do it again." My heart rate speeds up again. I'm hating him all over again, the brief moment of guilt replaced with a quiet, seething rage. "He would, you know. He would take her away from me, just to get the last laugh."
Hawk: "Miguel she ain't gonna leave you because of him."
Hawk shrugged. "She left cause you hit her, dumbass. And acting like a coked-out bull. Just don't pull that no mercy shit in front of her and you should be fine."
"Chicks don't like that, Miguel. Really, take it from me. Moon dumped me because of that stupid fight with Demetri. I was mad at him, and I knew I had the upper hand. She said that she didn't wanna date a bully, and then she left... said I was getting too much for her. I always thought that was bullshit before... but honestly I think she's right. You can't just constantly be angry all the time for every little thing. You gotta pick your battles. You know who told us that? Sensei Lawrence, he told us that a while ago. He said you don't wanna live your life just saying no mercy, and he's fucking right, dude."
He takes a few more mouthfuls of gin, and I listen to him go on and on, feeling much too stupid to much of anything.
"Like, for fucks sake all it did was get me dumped by the only girl I ever loved, nearly suspended from school, in major trouble with my parents, and you in the fuckin' hospital."
āIām sorry.ā I say.
Hawk:Ā āWhyāre you sorry? You didnāt do this on your own, I just hope you know that this thing with Robby is gonna come between you and Sam, and Iād really hate to see a repeat of the canyon.ā He laughs a little bit, now.Ā āAnd you moping around for damn near forever.āĀ
That makes me smile, just a little.Ā āYeah... man, I never thought youād be the one telling me to calm down.ā
Hawk:Ā āI know! Look at me providing sound advice. Maybe Moonās peace talks finally got to my head.ā
We stop passing the bottle around, already halfway empty just between the two of us, and sit in down on the floor while we lay on the couch, while the TV plays a movie neither of us know the name of. I feel a little better, at least for now. I can talk to Sam tomorrow, in person. Sort all this out.Ā
āThanks for this, man. I really appreciate it.ā
He pats my shoulder.Ā āNo biggie. Just remember that Iām on your side, wherever the outcome. If you and Robby donāt talk again then I wonāt talk to him either, itās not worth it. I was friends with you first, anyway, itās only fair.ā
āAs bad as this is gonna sound, thatās a relief to hear. Itās gonna be weird with Sam for a bit, he is in her life like, pretty permanently now.ā
He laughs.Ā āOh shit, I nearly forgot about that, Uh, good luck sorting that out, but remember what I told you, just try to keep the peace between you are her.ā
ā... You think sheāll still wanna talk to me?ā
He shrugs.Ā āSamās an easygoing chick, sheāll understand. Just, make sure to talk it out. And... if in any case that itās not, you know me and Aisha and Demetri, weāll be here for you no matter what.ā He pats my shoulder again, letting his hand linger.Ā āItāll be okay.ā
scene collaborated with @curiousdamage