Lady Whistleclown

Our exhausted divas return to the Werk Room after Joey’s shocking elimination (i.e. the judges told Lala that she had the worst look in Drag Race history for a look challenge and she lipsync’d herself safe) and an eventful untucked in which Kandy and Tamisha’s bubbling tit-for-tat escalated into a wild shouting match. Tamisha goaded the defensive Kandy by reiterating that she doesn’t like “certain people” in the competition while staring Kandy directly in the eyes, dinging the time-to-make-good-TV bell in Kandy’s head that led to a full arm-waving, storming-back-and-forth, separate-the-groups screaming match. Tempers are still hot with our WWE superstars and Tamisha has established that her catchphrase is “I said what I said” so they decide to call it a night and head back to their hotel rooms to take their heels off, relax, and simmer in their swirling unresolved emotions like normal people.

Our queens return to the Werk Room with giant nervous smiles (read: everyone’s exhausted and would rather address that later) and Jer-Ru Springer enters and tells her trusty ratings grabbers to split into pairs. The gals find their BFF’s except for Tamisha and Elliott who wind up alone then lock eyes and awkwardly shuffle towards each other. Her holiness Tamisha immediately consoles her accidental teammate who is visibly dejected after another week of floating amongst the established cliques and I get the feeling that Tamisha, haus mother and unshakable rumbler, honestly doesn’t care that no one picked her because she isn’t of this world and shouldn’t be judged by mere mortals anyway. For the mini challenge they’ll be creating a dress using Spoonflower Wallpaper - a company that we learn exists - and it’s surprisingly our odd couple of last picked queens who rally and snatch the win with a leopard look and a bunch of Carol Baskin jokes that remind us this was filmed last year in the brief period of time that Tiger King was all we talked about as a society until it abruptly wasn’t.

For the maxi challenge our groups will be performing a disco-mentary and during dance rehearsal we learn that recent cancer survivor Tamisha is still wearing an ostomy bag but hasn’t told anyone in fear of sympathy, a reality that sinks in once she finds out that her choreo involves a hula hoop which would strike fear in most people above the age of 14 much less an American icon with a tube taped to an open wound in her stomach. The queens hustle getting ready for the disco-mentary and when the subject turns to growing pains we learn that Olivia was diagnosed obese in high school and lost weight once she joined theater, came out, found her confidence, and became the glowing cherub we see today. Tamisha, whose childhood nickname was iconically “Booty,” found respite in cheerleading despite her grandmother discouraging something so feminine but was encouraged by a community leader who wanted her to follow her dreams of making it in Hollywood, which she will do if I have anything to say about it. Ryan Murphy do your thing! Kandy opens up about her mother who was in and out of jail when she was younger which led to Kandy’s hard exterior and general defensiveness considering the fact that she had to fend for herself.

It’s showtime and we head to the runway where the judge of The Real - Loni Love, joins the singer of The Realness - RuPaul, for a musical history lesson on disco and a deceptively difficult Little Black Dress runway. The disco-mentary goes off without a hitch and and the judges critique Tamisha for being too timid, Kandy for staying in her comfort zone and not embodying disco, and Utica for relying on wackiness once again. If these critiques sound vague it’s because this is one of those weeks towards the middle of the season where everyone did well enough so eliminations have more to do with production deciding whose story is getting tied up than anything else. They give kudos to Tina and Elliott who danced their asses off but critique their safe runway looks and it’s Olivia who snatches the win with great hair all around and a particularly infectious performance. Also, if you’re wondering how Tina shoehorned orange, red, and yellow into a Little Black Dress runway well it was tastefully of course... by walking out in a painters coverall that unzipped to reveal a black velour dress with orange and yellow hand prints on the boobs!

Kandy and Tamisha are determined to be the bottom two and face off to the seminal disco classic... “Hit ‘Em Up Style (Oops)” by Blu Cantrell? You can’t tell me there wasn’t a single goddamn Donna Summers song available at a similar rate. One could say they really dropped the disco ball on that one. In the end Tamisha is sent home after an emotional lip sync and immediately hugs the sobbing Kandy which immediately squashes the beef. We hate to see this icon fall but safe to say she has a spot on All-stars. Actually screw All-Stars. Stephen Spielberg! Tyler Perry! I wanna see scripts on this woman’s desk by Monday!

Our feisty test subjects hobble into the Werk Room after Kahmora’s emotional elimination and Kandy immediately seizes the opportunity to pull the wig off the elephantt with two T’s in the room by quipping that Elliott should have been in the bottom two instead of Denali. It’s an OMG-did-she-just-say-that observation that others obviously agree with but weren’t comfortable enough to blurt out as not to offend and divide but luckily for us Kandy isn’t tethered to such strict limitations of social etiquette and, to the benefit of the show, doesn’t mind sending a jolt through the group every now and then. Kandy also claims that Symone is her biggest competition and Tamisha immediately pipes up to say that Kandy is arrogant because of her initial placement in the A Team and that she hasn’t seen enough of Porkchop’s junior varsity squad to count them out. They exchange words but before it’s resolved the queens de-drag and save this one for another day.

Say what you will about Kandy, and the internet definitely has, but the show is all the more watchable because of her unabashed gumption and of the show’s few lightening rod contestants she best serves as the proxy for the audience. Tina’s perpetual meddling in other peoples’ business feels like producer-prompted pot-stirring and Tamisha comes from a motherly place of I-take-no-shit that keeps the kids in line but it’s Kandy’s uncanny ability to watch from the outside in and impolitely state the obvious that steers the plot forward and encourages necessary conversation like the messy Magellan she is, no matter how chaotic her map. Is she perfect? No. Is she self-aware? Ish. But does she light the right fires on a show that is already overflowing with couture gowns, pristine hair, and glossy production value that needs that sharp pinch on the ass to really seal the deal entertainment-wise? Yes ma’am Pam.

The next day our ruffled queens arrive for their latest fever dream of a mini-challenge which is twerking while dressed as babies because Toddlers in Tiaras has been off the air for far too long and we deserve this as a society. Lala Ri is determined to be the twerkiest baby, an honor that is perhaps greater than any prize but still she’s been rewarded with $2,500 worth of Fierce Drag Jewels. Wahwah indeed.

Ru introduces the Bag Ball which will require a punny look with bag in the title, a boss bitch look, and a look made out of various bags that have been dumped in the Werk Room. The queens get to ripping, glueing, and sewing the sleeping bags, dollar store gift bags, and Santee Alley purses and we learn that Lala is technically American icon and legend Tamisha Iman’s drag daughter because she put her in drag the first time. We also learn that Lala can’t sew but that shouldn’t be a problem because there’s plenty of hot glue and she’s thankfully chosen about 12 small pink and purple gift bags to make an entire dress out of so that’s surely going to result in an elegant couture gown, right?

Ru-na Wintour enters to check in with the queens (read: encourages them to doubt themselves even though they’re already half way through creating their looks and pepper in a healthy amount of her new signature 45 second fake scream laugh that the queens dutifully chuckle and nod along to despite the fact that it appears seemingly without prompt) and surprises them with a video from the awkward executive director of Coach who introduces a new element to the challenge with the charisma of a hostage video. He informs our amateur seamstresses that they’ll also be required to decorate a new and particularly clunky Coach clutch the size of a goddamn shoe box with their DIY outfits which is unfortunate because having to Frankenstein together these looks is hard enough but having to make this hideous bag fashionable is truly a burden. While the queens paint, Kandy takes a moment to flirt with Joey who she thinks is cute but has horrible taste in fashion which... boys... am I right ladies? The subject turns to Black Lives Matter and Lala breaks down into tears sharing the story of Rayshard Brooks who was tragically murdered by police at the Wendy’s she goes to every day, a pointless incident which she can barely even talk about through sobs considering how close it hits home and of which could have happened to her. It’s a doozy but it does provide a welcome glimpse into Lala’s world that we haven’t previously seen.

It’s runway time and the bubbly Nicole Byer joins the judges once again for this whopping 36-look super-challenge which really allows Rosé, Utica, Symone, and GottMik to show off their fashion prowess. My personal favorite is Utica’s expertly tailored sleeping bag dress but Mik bags the win and the judges come down hardest on the questionable fashion decisions of the aesthetically confused Joey, surprisingly plain Tamisha, and Lala whose truly baffling hot glued pink and purple gift bag incident looks more like a scrapbook mishap than an outfit and is noted as maybe the worst look in the show’s 13 year history. Lala and Joey face off to Iggy Azalea’s seminal homosexual ear worm Fancy and Lala’s paper bag situation immediately collapses and disintegrates but her high-energy dance and disarming smile elicits giggles from the judges while a more stoic and technical Joey dances her ass off. Lala knows how ridiculous this looks and can still make light of it which turns around her bleak situation and in the end she shockingly charms her way into a win but is told to step her pussy up and the lovable Joey Jay is sent packing her bags! I don’t know if I necessarily agree this time but this elimination is a good example of how the judges reward gumption and showmanship over technicality and I guess that’s just how the bag crumbles!

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Exhausted but proud after their successful opening week, the newly redeemed B-Squad - Denali, Kahmora Hall, Tamisha Iman, Joey Jay, Rosé, and Utica - clomp back in the Werk Room where they’re surprised by the Winners circle - Kandy Muse, Tina Burner, Lala Ri, Simone, Olivia Lux, and GottMik - waiting for them stoically... with one exception. The ladies of Porkchop’s School for Wayward Girls are still unaware that Elliott with 2 T’s stay has been extended so she’s hidden behind a conveniently placed room divider in hopes of surprising her former cohorts. The combined cast begins sizing each other up and Tina, never one to miss an opportunity to tap dance for producers, gleefully grills them about their supposedly fallen camarade. The Porkchop Posse fairly claims that they voted her out because she gave the dullest first impression when, naturally, Elliott stomps out to confront them in a Jerry Seinfeld ruffled shirt for the amusement of her new social circle. What is supposed to feel like a grand face-crack felt just plain awkward . Elliott feels that it was unfair of her fellow losers to judge her on a first impression - an argument that doesn’t need to be made to the other cogs in RuPaul’s Trauma-O-Matic, but instead to the producers who forced them to begrudgingly make an uninformed decision that ultimately only served to cause this awkward moment. Never one to be fucked with, Tamisha steps forward to defend the move as a part of the game and Elliott vaguely warns that she now views them differently to which they, and I, grimace at uncomfortably. The moment deflates under the weight of the obvious fact that they’re all just mice in Dr. Charles’ Maze of Instigation and Elliott needs to get over it. Like it or not our rival cliques are now one squad and it’s time for them to bravely put aside their producer-orchestrated conflicts and debase themselves for our enjoyment!

The next day our bootleg Avengers arrive in the Werk Room and Tina, who is all but wearing an earpiece at this point, explains that she’s softened to fellow front-runner Kandy Muse despite her initial hesitation due to Kandy’s reputation as trouble maker in New York. If Tamisha is the house mother then Kandy is the rambunctious little sister who keeps everyone on their toes and Tina is the meddling, chronically divorced aunt who incites most of the petty family conflict in between sips of Carlo Rossi. Ru informs her test subjects that they’ll be separating into three casts to act in cheesy holiday movies for the fictional RuPaulMark Channel. Denali, Elliott, Kahmora, and Olivia will give us the Valentines gift of Misery Love’s Company; Lala, Rosé, Simone, and Utica will salute the Flag Day masterpiece God Loves Flags; and GottMik, Joey, Kandy, Tamisha, and Tina will pull our fingers with the April Fools classic April Fools Rush In.

Rehearsal is predictably disorganized as acclaimed director and scarf enthusiast Ross Matthews-Scorsese spends extra time coaching Joey, Tamisha, Utica, Lala, Denali, and most notably Kahmora who cluelessly flops no less than one billion takes as a pun-loving green-screen tree and it’s safe to say she shouldn’t BRANCH out into acting.

Just to add a little context here I have to mention that acting challenges have a complicated history on the show. Rehearsals in any context are awkward to watch and Drag Race’s inclination towards pessimistic challenge editing usually makes even the smallest line flub look like a big idiotic blunder. It’s particularly low hanging fruit for story producers especially considering the fact that the cast have around an hour with the script before they have to film which would trip up even a competent actor. I would also estimate that only one out of four performances are usually successful, but when they are it’s heralded as one of the highlights of the season and will inevitably wind up on T-shirts and enamel pins. When there’s a payoff it’s a big one and anything less is a flop accompanied by dorky music so as a result we watch 20 minutes of cringey rehearsal usually with an unimpressed guest director who comments on how inept the queens are for small mistakes and then another 10 minutes of the finished product where one or two queens are absolutely hilarious, create instantly iconic catch phrases, are celebrated as the next comedy actress of our generation by the fandom, and the rest of the performances are Jessica Simpson in Dukes of Hazard. The acting challenges have a huge impact on how the fandom views the queens’ competency under pressure. The worst example of the negative effect that these challenges have is season seven which famously had multiple long-winded acting challenges that in turn led to tons of dopey editing exposé about how incompetent the contestants were which in turn generated very little comic highlights and a general lowering of morale in the fandom despite one of the strongest casts of the show’s history... but that’s a conversation for another day. This particular episode is moderately successful at building up our heavy hitters and putting a magnifying glass on the weak links but there aren’t a ton of hilarious moments - which I actually prefer to an episode that just absolutely clowns the queens for their inability to spin gold from a kinda-funny script they were given moments before. OK... thanks for joining me on that tangent!

On elimination day our Ru-vie stars pile into the Werk Room and when the topic turns to career beginnings we learn that Simone’s first time in drag was shockingly at her high school prom in rural Arkansas, for which she should be honored with the Congressional Medal of Bravery. Tamisha had a queer awakening after friends, including the mother of her child, took her to a gay bar right after high school. At 20 she began performing in drag and named herself Tamisha after her oldest daughter, which is the sweetest homosexual agenda success story I’ve ever heard.

We head to the Main Stage where guest judge Loni Love joins our esteemed critics circle and the runway category is Trains For Days. Denali, Lala, and Kahmora’s runway looks are commended but their performances critiqued for being various levels of bad with Kahmora receiving another full dragging on the runway; Rosé and Kandy slay as a gnome and a clown respectively but the judges want more from their runway looks; and Simone’s clever do-rag train is celebrated and her wacky, confident performance as a flag factory (read: fack-tree) owner snatches her a second win and $5,000!

Denali and Kahmora are named bottom two, a strange decision considering the fact that Elliott did way worse than Denali who also won last week and I can’t help but wonder if production just really wanted these old friends to face off for the gaggery of it all. The song is 100% Pure Love by Crystal Waters and the writing is immediately on the wall for a somber Kahmora who saunters around trapped in a floor-length dress while a befeathered Denali energetically pulled out every last trick as the cast and judges cheered her on. I’m sad to see our green screen tree LEAF first but after two weeks of bad critiques I can’t say I didn’t SEED it coming! OK I’ll stop before I get too SAPPY!

Before we dissect the good, drag, and the struggling in this final chapter of a herstorical three-part premiere I have to commend the show on a refreshed rollout that, while longer than ever, allows the C.U.N.T.enders more time to introduce their talents on the only TV show that requires contestants to be designers, models, actors, dancers, singers, comedians, sometimes cheerleaders, and queer trauma storytellers. Now that I’ve said one nice thing about our favorite gay past time, let’s rip it to shreds, mawma!

We pick up right where we left off with the winning queens piling into the DIY Werk Room lounge after a largely successful challenge with no bottoms, their self esteem higher than the Covid rates in Puerto Vallarta after Shangela’s vacation. These lucky queens have been praised for two consecutive weeks and their egos are inflated to full Macy’s Day Parade levels. The smug champs head back to their rooms to admire themselves and it’s time for a new day with our scrappy Have Not’s! Denali, Joey Jay, Tamisha Iman, Rosé, Utica, & Kahmora Hall return from exile on Porkchop Island ready for revenge and in spite of their initial losses are chomping at the tit to prove their worth. Facing mortality has renewed their fighting spirit and these scrappy misfit toys are determined to band together and not only level up with their winning counterparts but outshine them.

Coach Ru arrives to let the Bad News Bears know that they’ll be competing in a nearly identical version of last week’s mini-challenge runway featuring “Lady and the Vamp” looks and like that they’re off! The group hurriedly prepares for battle and when most of them are eyebrow deep in makeup the attention goes to Kahmora who is still gingerly applying primer. We learn that makeup takes her up to six hours on a normal day which is unfortunate considering their slim one hour time limit to get completely frocked. The bedragged crew begins lining up for the runway but a still bare-faced Kahmora is left alone in the Werk Room now spinning out and what seemed like a bit of playful editing at first is now a full code red as production comes to a halt to locate our fashion sloth.

Things finally get started in the runway blackbox where Rosé, Denali, and Tamisha make the biggest splash - Rosé is Fashion Week ready with two cheeky high-fashion concepts, Denali with a playful textured dress and a sheer gown with exposed cage, and Tamisha surprises the judges with youthful pink harem pants and an Elvira look made completely of hair. Utica continues to bring her signature brand of wackyness in two looks featuring Chuck E. Cheese pit balls, Joey skips wigs completely and wears a black bodysuit and chains that screams S&M by Rihanna on a Monday at Micky’s, and Kahmora’s looks are simple which is concerning because she would have had to juggle fire on a unicycle to make the make up for the production meltdown she just caused.

As our unlikely heroes de-drag we see how this rag tag group has trauma-bonded and Tamisha really is the heart of the group. At around 20 years their senior she’s competed in over 200 pageants, won half of them, and has biological children older than her fellow competitors. Before our bonding campers can relax and begin a rousing rendition of Kumbaya, Ru arrives just in time to return us to a familiar panic and introduces the main challenge. They’ll be writing a verse, performing , and hopefully improving the cringey, mid-tempo spoken-word rap Phenomenon from RuPaul’s Drag Race Live! They head to the runway for rehearsal where pro-dancers Denali, Rosé, and Joey try to out-choreograph each other, an already disadvantaged Kahmora struggles to catch on, and house mom Tamisha thankfully steps up to get the team on the same page.

It’s finally challenge day and while painting Kahmora divulges that her boyfriend of eight years doesn’t support her drag career and Tamisha tells us about her legendary drag dynasty, specifically her late daughter Tandi Iman Dupree who is best known for a viral Youtube video cum drag touchstone where she drops into a death-defying split from the rafters over a pageant stage dressed as Wonder Woman to I Need a Hero. If you haven’t seen it go treat yourself to one of the most impressive displays of drag audacity in recorded history.

This week’s guest judge is the charming Nicole Byer known best for letting contestants down softly on Nailed It. The queens perform their drastically improved version of Phenomenon with particularly well-branded and ear-wormy verses by everyone but an uncomfortable and robotic Kahmora. The category is “We’re Here, We’re Sheer, Get Used to it” and big praise goes to the super-watchable and well-dressed Denali and Rosé. Joey, Utica, and Tamisha are celebrated but given small critiques on repeating silhouettes, look cohesiveness, and low energy respectively. Thankfully for Kahmora there are no eliminations this week because she predictably fares the worst and is told by the panel in no uncertain terms to get a personality. The top two are Denali and Rosé who face off to the iconically unsubtle gay anthem “If You Seek Amy” by Britney Spears. Denali can finally show her full dance potential in a ice skate-free performance and she snatches the $5,000!

Holler at me I know you know me! Holler at me I know you know me! Episode 2 of the RuCrap has arrived! Once again please help out a writer in the pandemic by sharing & following! Enjoy!

We crawl back into RuPaul’s tangled web of elimination fuckery where we left off in Porkchop’s Loading Deck with the dejected Denali, Tamisha Iman, Joey Jay, Rosé, Kahmora Hall, Utica, and Elliott with 2 T’s who must now begrudgingly vote to put one of these complete strangers out of her misery! It’s a tie between wide-eyed carpool mom Elliott and neon sock puppet Utica and Ru bellows over the PA like the evil middle school principal that she is to inform her pupils that they must now vote between the two super-losers. Ultimately Elliott with 2 T’s becomes Elliott with 2 eliminations and it’s the final heartless slap of a drawn out and unreasonably brutal elimination even for Lord Ru’s medieval standards but we’re 13 years into this big gay carnival of trauma and Stockholm Syndrome is in full effect so let’s quickly move on, sympathize with our captors, and for God’s sake never return to Porkchop’s haunted She Shed ever again!

It’s day 2 and our previous winners GottMik, Lala Ri, Symone, Olivia Lux, Kandy Muse, and Tina Burner burst into the Werk Room none the wiser of the fate of the fallen and are greeted by Ru who wastes no time shaking things up by announcing that a new queen will be joining them and before the girls can even process... in walks Elliott with two T’s! Yes that’s right! After a full episode of push and pull with the drag poltergeist our poor Carol Anne is spit back into the competition covered in ectoplasm, her weary eyes now holding the unfathomable secrets of the other side, and once again we’ve taken the scenic route on one of RuPaul’s notorious twists that brought us right back to square one! But what would this winding shaggy dog joke of a premiere wrench be without our evil mastermind shoe-horning in a sappy life lesson? Ru momentarily softens to take us down memory lane and celebrate first-eliminated queens who went on to become superstars and explains that the moral of the fairy tale is “Don’t let anyone make you feel like a loser” which is ironic coming straight from the diabolical puppet master who determined Elliott a loser last week and then sent her to a small storage crate backstage to be called a loser two more times by her fellow competitors. It’s like Mike Tyson popping into Evander Holyfield’s dressing room after their fight to tell him that he could learn a thing or two about not feeling like he just had his ear bitten off. I haven’t been this confused by the manipulative rationale of an egomaniac since Shangela tried to justify going on vacation to Puerto Vallarta in a pandemic to sell $10 scented hand sanitizers in hotel lobbies. Ru tells our newly revamped winner’s circle to prepare to hit the runway to showcase a ladylike daytime look and a whorish campy nighttime look and like that they’re off!

Our models gussy up at the makeup stations and resident shit-stirrers Re-Tina George and Kandy Weiners greet Elliott with folded arms, bizarrely speculating about her intentions in returning (um... because RuPaul told her to?) and calling her “Elliott the Spy” (oh Golly) as if they aren’t all just prey in RuPaul’s Most Dangerous Game. Lest we forget that Elliott has cheated death twice already and instead of letting their poking rile her up she plays on Kandy’s paranoia. When Kandy expresses her excitement in finally being a Ru girl like her sisters, Elliott bluntly notes that historically queens related to past contestants haven’t faired well in the competition. Instantly frustrated by this valid counter-point, Kandy grumbles under her breath at the audacity of someone challenging her advanced wit and bless us all because a rivalry has begun!

We head to the blackbox runway for America’s Next Top Trauma where Ty-Ru Banks, Jan-chelle Dicken-sage, and Nigel Matthews are perched awaiting this year’s installment of the world’s tiniest fashion show which serves as much of a OMG-Yas-Queen showcase of fashion excellence as it does an ominous warning of what fashion storylines we’ll be bludgeoned over the head with. The trends this season are Olivia Lux’s Polly Pocket purses and whether we like it or not Tina the Heat Miser is going to is going to be dressed in a combination of orange, red, and yellow until every last VH1 viewer has fully gotten the pun in her name, taste be damned. As for the rest of our fashion darlings — GottMik and Symone are unpredictable couture shape-shifters who ace the showcase, confident Kandy shows that audacity is her strong suit, Elliott does decently but plays it safe, and Lala borders on mall fashion show.

Ru informs the queens they’ll be penning verses for and performing her catchphrase conduit Condragulations. Professional dancer Elliott proves her worth by stepping forward to save an otherwise unproductive rehearsal but things grind to a halt when it’s time to choreograph GottMik’s verse which begins “GottMik - was born a girl baby!” Mik (who later clarifies that she/her/hers pronouns are to be used in the drag context and he/him/his otherwise) instantly freezes and tells us in confessional that she hasn’t told her transition story to the group and didn’t consider the fact that this proclamation would be blaring loudly on the runway before she had the chance. The moment is clearly visceral for the usually unshakable Mik but the preoccupied group is mostly unaware and is more concerned as to why the now distracted Mik is unable to learn the routine.

It’s challenge day and the queens begin painting! Mik comes out as trans to a comforting Olivia while camera hogs Kandy and Tina continue to go full Red Scare on Elliott who they believe was sent back into the competition to spy on them... whatever that could possibly mean. When the topic turns to the competition almost everyone identifies the already well-established Mik as their biggest threat and I would have to agree.

We hit the Main Stage where director/ choreographer Jamal Sims joins the judges in an outfit that suggests he also moonlights as a matador. Condragulations goes off mostly without a snag and Lala, Tina, Kandy, and Elliott deliver the most confident verses, Olivia steals the fashion spotlight once again, and Kandy fumbles the choreography. The runway theme is Lamé You Stay and the judges favor Mik, Olivia, Symone, and Tina but still praise Lala, Kandy, and Elliott for an overall impressive week and Ru announces that Olivia and Symone are the top two and no one is in the bottom. They deliver synchronized, playful versions of Break My Heart by Dula Peep but it’s Symone who snatches the $5,000 tip making her our first big winner of the season!

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The lucky 13th season of RuPaul’s Trauma Spectacular launches with the promise of “all new surprises” and a brand new twist that will leave you wondering how you ever sat through a boring old premiere with a coherent intro, climax, and conclusion when you could be enduring a dizzying hour and a half of WOW presents Happy Death Day 3: Covid Edition!

We open up on the trusty trauma center - I mean Werk Room - and the first to enter is NYC’s “Dominican Doll” and human drag lingo See ‘N Say Kandy Muse in an elaborate bejeweled patchwork jean mini dress and MATCHING DENIM BOOMBOX and she immediately informs us that we may know her from the now former Haus of Aja which was recently deconstructed like the pair of Wranglers that Kandy is wearing as fingerless gloves. Kandy is no longer alone in VIP because the befeathered Joey Jay arrives and half-heartedly delivers her intro line. “Filler queen!” We discover that Kandy is likely going to provide our Greek chorus confessional this season and all in a soft smoky eye when she informs us uncultured swine that Joey is wearing the cheapest variety of feather - chicken. Kandy didn’t construct an entire outfit from the remnants section of a Joanne Fabrics and not learn a thing or two about quality, sweetie! Joey is determined to beat viewers to the punchline and immediately clucks around branding herself as “basic” and “filler.” Joey is from the city of Phoenix (and possibly the online University as well) but she’s here to rise like a chicken!

Thunder mysteriously rumbles as RuPaul appears on the digitally enhanced Werk room TV but what could this be?! For all you newbies this is one of the several instances in every season where Ru mixes things up and gives us what we really want: a twist that is equal parts confusing, fucks up the natural order of the competition, and is ultimately unfulfilling! Come on season 13, let’s put a bunch of queer people through even more turmoil in a pandemic! Ru has a surprise but they’ll have to head to the mainstage to get the full story that they’ll be recounting to a mental health professional later!

We’re merely four minutes in and here comes Ru down the runway dressed like a glitterdot jellyfish! Our tour guide on Trauma Island introduces us to the main panel of judges for the season - Disco Morticia Addams and the two human Trapper Keepers who are now separated by glass because for the first time in Drag Race herstory we’re in the middle of a international health crisis, mawma!

Now let’s get down to trauma! Ru explains that the queens will be pairing off to lipsync unexpectedly as they enter! What could possibly go wrong? Well if you’re hoping that someone comes in wearing blades on their feet well just stick around because I have quite the treat for you! Our Dungaree Diva and the Chicken Feather Filler hit the Mainstage looking as confused as Shangela researching CDC protocol on her way to Puerto Vallarta last week. The judges interview our test subjects and immediately bring up the Haus of Aja and Kandy clarifies that she’s now an esteemed member of The Doll Haus along with last season’s ever-gorgeous Dahlia Sinn. I personally prefer not to say that Dahlia was eliminated first but instead that she was season 12’s brocco-leading lady! (Writer’s note: if you’re thinking “there’s a drag show called The Doll Haus in my hometown... is it THAT Doll Haus?!” No, there’s a drag show called The Doll Haus in almost every city in America but now, like with the former Sharon Needles, Kim Chis, and Penny Trations of the world, this one’s been on TV and alas, the others must now rename themselves)! Joey also charms the judges with her plucky demeanor and it’s already time to lipsync feather they like it or not!

Gay anthem Call Me Maybe by Canadian legend Carley Rae Jepson begins and Kandy immediately pushes a fake button on her DENIM BOOMBOX to start the party. Honestly... crown her right there on the spot. We will ALWAYS give points for prop work and the Carrot Top of the Bronx does not disappoint. Both are energetic but it’s The Dutchess of Denim who wins by infusing humor and our feathered friend is given “the Porkchop” but before we can even wrap our head around what this means for the state of the competition we snap back to the Werk Room to meet our next unsuspecting victims!

Now dear reader, this is the part where I’m just going to cut the shit. The set-up they’re selling us is that the losers of these premiere lipsyncs will be eliminated from the show but they are obviously not about to Porkchop half of the cast on day one so just stick with me while we suspend disbelief and go on RuPaul’s Totally Twisted Trauma Adventure as she convinces 6 gay people who just spent upwards of $10,000 on clothing, jewelry, and hair and then meticulously packed it into regulation suitcases to travel here during a pandemic after probably not making any money for the last four months (this was filmed in July) that they are going home on day one! This herstory-making twist, like so many before it, exemplifies the show’s worst qualities: a lack of empathy for its contestants, an underestimation of viewer intelligence and ability to decode heavy-handed editing witchery, and its love for completely dismantling its own format every year for the sake of drama. Whatever keeps the Emmy’s coming, baby! When you’re on the other side of one of these twists you usually feel like you just finished your morning coffee only to find out that the barista gave you decaf. Your mind will be blown when it’s happening but the payoff is usually at the expense of the show’s own legitimacy. With that said... this is the punishment we come to gleefully endure every year and we’re not here to complain, we’re here to watch gay people break down, dammit!

It’s deja Ru all over again as we snap back to the Werk Room where Chicago’s Denali walks in on ice skates and immediately ruins any chance of a deposit return for the bumpy, rented roll-out vinyl floors and declares “Let me break the ice!” She’s wearing the expensive feathers that Joey Jay didn’t spring for. Denali might not be the first ice skater on Drag Race but she’s the one I didn’t watch shit on a dick on Twitter last week so let’s give credit where it’s due. Ugh I wish Trinity the Tuck could block THAT from my memory! Next up is Atlanta’s Lala Ri whose white blazer, body suit, and unteased hair is immediately called basic by an icy Denali in confessional. Denali is confident but we know something that she doesn’t and Lala is wearing a sensible dancing ankle boot not two blades on her feet so let’s see how this turns out!

The lipsync song is “When I Grow Up” by Nicole Scherzinger and her assistants who were accidentally given microphones a few times! Denali struggles to conceal her wayward nipples during some ambitious dance moves and all while in skates but Lala gives us a good old fashioned drag performance and a big finale split unbothered by an elaborate costume and ultimately ices Denali who signs off with “Feeling icy, feeling spicy!” Asking these queens to lipsync upon entering is one thing but asking them to improvise their exit lines 10 minutes in is just cruel!

Denali heads backstage devastated where SURPRISE... Joey Jay is sitting alone in a sad room made of plywood walls featuring a bunch of pictures of first eliminated queens, an ominous “Porkchop Loading Dock” sign, and some cocktail tables with no cocktails (how dreadful).

Before we get the full picture and God for bid our bearings on Mr Charles’ Wild Ride let’s leave this plywood hellscape and jump back into the familiar comfort of the Werk Room’s pixelated neon pink faux brick walls where LA’s modelesque Symone stomps in wearing a dress made of tiny Polaroids of herself. She’s stylish, her energy is fresh, and she’s clearly one to watch. Then dear reader life as we know it changes. A breeze comes through the room and God herself blesses us when living legend and matriarch of the Iman dynasty Tamisha Iman from Atlanta arrives in a pointy-shouldered red power suit and proclaims to us simple townsfolk “Holler at me, I know you know me. Holler at me, I know you know me. Tamisha is here!” The sea parts, the crops are replenished, and all war stops on Earth. On stage Tamisha reveals that she’s been doing drag for 30 years (which seems like a long time to us mere mortals) and that she was originally cast last season but was diagnosed with colon cancer two days later and had to stay home for chemo. The lipsync gods wisely choose The Pleasure Principle by Janet Jackson and Tamisha gives us exact Janet arm choreo while Simone is sultry yet commanding as she shakes her Polaroids. The judges determine that Simone was picture perfect and American hero Tamisha Iman is sent to Porkchop’s Shipping Crate of Horrors to join the nest with the fancy feather option and the chicken feather option.

We begrudgingly crawl back onto RuPaul’s ever-circling carousel of doom and plop back into the workroom where accomplished LA celebrity makeup artist GottMik stomps in wearing a wacky toile dress and a full face of white makeup declaring that it’s “Time to crash the system!” GottMik is Drag Race’s first trans man contestant (and first knowingly cast trans contestant at all) for which we cheer excitedly and then immediately look at our watches because that took too long. Next up Minneapolis’s towering Utica wriggles in with a sneeze and declares “She’s sickening!” which is just the pandemic humor I came here for! Contaminate me, mom! This gay scarecrow is wearing a series of crazy patterns and a big strawberry on her head and the two of them appear to be from the same traveling circus. These two Big Comfy Couch characters slink over to the main stage where Utica explains that her cranial statement fruit symbolizes tackling obstacles because she used to be allergic to strawberries as a kid but she grew out of it. In RuPaul’s heavy universe of heart wrenching struggles that contain chronic illness and societal rejection, Utica’s animated world that suffers only of outgrown childhood strawberry problems is a welcome one. These two lanky rag dolls will be lipsyncing to Rumors by her majesty Lady Lohan of Mykonos and the vibe is instantly wacky. I wouldn’t say that either of them are the next Kennedy Davenport but they did complement each other well on the invisible obstacle course they were both miming through. Utica’s hair flops over her eye, there’s galloping and floor humping, GottMik does a split, there’s elbows and knees aplenty, and all that’s missing is dancing poodles. The judges are tickled by the kookiness of both of these human windsocks but Gotmikk snatches the win. Neither of these two are going to win So You Think You Can Dance but luckily this is RuPaul’s So You Think You Can Trauma so we’re in luck!

Our homosexual Groundhog Day continues back in the Werk Room where we meet NYC’s Rosé who gets the Brita treatment where she’s presented as a legendary New York queen and then the editors quickly get to work making her look delusional. She’s accomplished, confident, and Drag Race’s favorite personality type to dismantle and then trick into returning to All-Stars for a redemption only to dismantle again. Rosé’s fresh-faced foil Olivia Lux enters and lights up the place right away in a velvet pink and yellow gown. She’s a humble NYC newby who has competed in shows hosted by the established Rosé and we already know what’s about to happen here. The lipsync is Exes and Oh’s by Elle King which which was a choice. Olivia strips off her gown to reveal a bodysuit so she can really articulate and Rosé does the world’s least exciting split that looked like me trying unsuccessfully separate wooden chopsticks. Olivia triumphs and Rosé fizzles as she heads to the It Didn’t Werk Room aka Porkchop’s sparsely decorated storage closet to be with the other Have Nots.

We’re almost to the finish line and we limp, slightly disoriented, back to the Werk Room where we meet Tina Burner, another NYC theater kid with the confidence of a thousand Patti LuPones who is dressed like a Ronald McDonald firefighter. What she lacks in nuance she makes up for in nonstop fire puns. Next Chicago’s glamorous Kahmora Hall saunters in glowing and is clearly unimpressed with Tina’s constant Joan Rivers impression but maintains a full pageant smile. No choice but to stan. Our final queen is the refreshingly optimistic Elliott with 2 T’s who busts in wearing a bolero jacket, some red pants from the store, and a short pink wig that screams “Sorry I’m late! Here’s my flash drive! I can go on whenever!” Elliott dances in sing-talking her entrance line like the TGIFriday’s server she is: “I’m the queen you want to see. Elliot with two T’s. Okay! Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh! Okay!” Elliot is a dancer from Las Vegas and has the unhinged camp counselor energy of someone with snacks in her purse at all times.

On the Mainstage Tina cycles through the last of her introductory fire puns and tells the judges she was in a boy band which honestly tracks. Tina and Rosé share a similar NYC gotta-get-a-gimmick energy but for some reason production has decided to give Rosé the womp womp edit and Tina the superstar edit. The song is Lady Marmalade because we haven’t been though enough and Kahmora serves subdued sexy glamour, Elliott does the splits, and Tina bobs and weaves between the two with full play-to-the-back-row comedy queen energy. Tina extinguishes the dreams of the other two and RuPaul sends the final two losers to the chokey.

The worst is over (we think) and our frazzled cast of hopefuls finally gets to know eachother in their two very different groups. The winning queens in the Werk Room are celebrating and as blissfully unaware of the doom around them as Miss Vanjie and Silky Ganache at a Puerto Vallarta circuit party during a pandemic. Over in Porkchop’s Junk Drawer the camera looms unnecessarily close to the crestfallen losers’ now disheveled wigs and sweat drenched makeup. Ru’s voice bellows over the speaker to tell this motley crew to get out and then as the last bit of light leaves their weary eyes she checks back in to tell them that she wasn’t serious! Oh good! Finally a moment of mercy for these once hopeful queens on their first day of RuPaul’s Wipeout! She then reveals that the full twist is that she is only going to send one home but they have to vote amongst the group of losers to decide who it is! Yes, that’s correct! This group of broken queens who just met and mostly have never seen eachother perform will now be expected to turn on eachother and give up their last bit of dignity to either grovel or just straight up fight with eachother! This must be what the Donner Party’s last night looked like. The queens look around broken and wounded but still hungry, their eyes barely open, their lacefronts only partially attached to their heads, and start deciding which of their own is about to get consumed. Her highness Tamisha Iman reminds them "Well, I'm the only black girl so don't vote me off” and just like that we are TO BE CONTINUED!