#rucrap

Holler at me I know you know me! Holler at me I know you know me! Episode 2 of the RuCrap has arrived! Once again please help out a writer in the pandemic by sharing & following! Enjoy!

We crawl back into RuPaul’s tangled web of elimination fuckery where we left off in Porkchop’s Loading Deck with the dejected Denali, Tamisha Iman, Joey Jay, Rosé, Kahmora Hall, Utica, and Elliott with 2 T’s who must now begrudgingly vote to put one of these complete strangers out of her misery! It’s a tie between wide-eyed carpool mom Elliott and neon sock puppet Utica and Ru bellows over the PA like the evil middle school principal that she is to inform her pupils that they must now vote between the two super-losers. Ultimately Elliott with 2 T’s becomes Elliott with 2 eliminations and it’s the final heartless slap of a drawn out and unreasonably brutal elimination even for Lord Ru’s medieval standards but we’re 13 years into this big gay carnival of trauma and Stockholm Syndrome is in full effect so let’s quickly move on, sympathize with our captors, and for God’s sake never return to Porkchop’s haunted She Shed ever again!

It’s day 2 and our previous winners GottMik, Lala Ri, Symone, Olivia Lux, Kandy Muse, and Tina Burner burst into the Werk Room none the wiser of the fate of the fallen and are greeted by Ru who wastes no time shaking things up by announcing that a new queen will be joining them and before the girls can even process... in walks Elliott with two T’s! Yes that’s right! After a full episode of push and pull with the drag poltergeist our poor Carol Anne is spit back into the competition covered in ectoplasm, her weary eyes now holding the unfathomable secrets of the other side, and once again we’ve taken the scenic route on one of RuPaul’s notorious twists that brought us right back to square one! But what would this winding shaggy dog joke of a premiere wrench be without our evil mastermind shoe-horning in a sappy life lesson? Ru momentarily softens to take us down memory lane and celebrate first-eliminated queens who went on to become superstars and explains that the moral of the fairy tale is “Don’t let anyone make you feel like a loser” which is ironic coming straight from the diabolical puppet master who determined Elliott a loser last week and then sent her to a small storage crate backstage to be called a loser two more times by her fellow competitors. It’s like Mike Tyson popping into Evander Holyfield’s dressing room after their fight to tell him that he could learn a thing or two about not feeling like he just had his ear bitten off. I haven’t been this confused by the manipulative rationale of an egomaniac since Shangela tried to justify going on vacation to Puerto Vallarta in a pandemic to sell $10 scented hand sanitizers in hotel lobbies. Ru tells our newly revamped winner’s circle to prepare to hit the runway to showcase a ladylike daytime look and a whorish campy nighttime look and like that they’re off!

Our models gussy up at the makeup stations and resident shit-stirrers Re-Tina George and Kandy Weiners greet Elliott with folded arms, bizarrely speculating about her intentions in returning (um... because RuPaul told her to?) and calling her “Elliott the Spy” (oh Golly) as if they aren’t all just prey in RuPaul’s Most Dangerous Game. Lest we forget that Elliott has cheated death twice already and instead of letting their poking rile her up she plays on Kandy’s paranoia. When Kandy expresses her excitement in finally being a Ru girl like her sisters, Elliott bluntly notes that historically queens related to past contestants haven’t faired well in the competition. Instantly frustrated by this valid counter-point, Kandy grumbles under her breath at the audacity of someone challenging her advanced wit and bless us all because a rivalry has begun!

We head to the blackbox runway for America’s Next Top Trauma where Ty-Ru Banks, Jan-chelle Dicken-sage, and Nigel Matthews are perched awaiting this year’s installment of the world’s tiniest fashion show which serves as much of a OMG-Yas-Queen showcase of fashion excellence as it does an ominous warning of what fashion storylines we’ll be bludgeoned over the head with. The trends this season are Olivia Lux’s Polly Pocket purses and whether we like it or not Tina the Heat Miser is going to is going to be dressed in a combination of orange, red, and yellow until every last VH1 viewer has fully gotten the pun in her name, taste be damned. As for the rest of our fashion darlings — GottMik and Symone are unpredictable couture shape-shifters who ace the showcase, confident Kandy shows that audacity is her strong suit, Elliott does decently but plays it safe, and Lala borders on mall fashion show.

Ru informs the queens they’ll be penning verses for and performing her catchphrase conduit Condragulations. Professional dancer Elliott proves her worth by stepping forward to save an otherwise unproductive rehearsal but things grind to a halt when it’s time to choreograph GottMik’s verse which begins “GottMik - was born a girl baby!” Mik (who later clarifies that she/her/hers pronouns are to be used in the drag context and he/him/his otherwise) instantly freezes and tells us in confessional that she hasn’t told her transition story to the group and didn’t consider the fact that this proclamation would be blaring loudly on the runway before she had the chance. The moment is clearly visceral for the usually unshakable Mik but the preoccupied group is mostly unaware and is more concerned as to why the now distracted Mik is unable to learn the routine.

It’s challenge day and the queens begin painting! Mik comes out as trans to a comforting Olivia while camera hogs Kandy and Tina continue to go full Red Scare on Elliott who they believe was sent back into the competition to spy on them... whatever that could possibly mean. When the topic turns to the competition almost everyone identifies the already well-established Mik as their biggest threat and I would have to agree.

We hit the Main Stage where director/ choreographer Jamal Sims joins the judges in an outfit that suggests he also moonlights as a matador. Condragulations goes off mostly without a snag and Lala, Tina, Kandy, and Elliott deliver the most confident verses, Olivia steals the fashion spotlight once again, and Kandy fumbles the choreography. The runway theme is Lamé You Stay and the judges favor Mik, Olivia, Symone, and Tina but still praise Lala, Kandy, and Elliott for an overall impressive week and Ru announces that Olivia and Symone are the top two and no one is in the bottom. They deliver synchronized, playful versions of Break My Heart by Dula Peep but it’s Symone who snatches the $5,000 tip making her our first big winner of the season!