q: who are you?

I feel like I’ve always been connected to the internet, and it’s become worse. I’m giving up social media for Lent. No Twitter and no Instagram, my biggest vices; so much of my time on social media is wasteful. Now, I’m typing on here b/c it’s physically easier than writing in my journal [I have long false nails], and I want to outline the things I plan on doing to fill my time.

I want to read more; I have a goal of reading 50 books this year. I want to get back into drawing; I’m having my loved ones send me photos of themselves. I want to cook more healthy, delicious meals and workout. I also want to paint a self-portrait. I bought gold foil.

I also want to get a side hustle; I’m way too smart and too talented to not have one. My problem is directing my energy into a project and the actual execution of the project. I’m good at following orders, but I'm not good at self-directed actions... I lack discipline.

However, there are some things that are extremely frustrating to me. I met someone off of her in 2011, and they seemed cool b/c of our shared interests and trauma. They turned out to be a manipulative psychopath, even revising history. It’s interesting how they write things like “[redacted] was the first person I told about my rape this year” when in actuality... you called me the day it happened. It’s manipulative as hell to hop on MY plan to go to Japan for NYE, make up stories/revise history, and then tell me I’m crazy for being so hung up “on a penpal.”

I wish you would have killed yourself, at least the parts of you that makes you a terrible human being. Nobody is copying off of you nor do they want to be you. Your wigs are terrible, your skin looks like refractory eczema, and you just have so much hate in your heart... why do I know so much about the trauma of your friends? Why do you tell me so much about people you supposedly care about/love? That should have been my first clue that you would do that to me.

It’s just the gaslighting and coordinated manipulation that kills me. I’ve heard of abusers doing those things; my friend told me about her ex-bf who had people coordinate their lies. I swear, I want people to honestly go to therapists or just institutionalize themselves. Y’all are menaces to society. And then to say some batshit things like “you’re wishing bad karma on me for being sick.” Like... I didn’t even know you were sick, and frankly I don’t care. The only person I wish ill on is the nigga who raped me, that’s about it.

I still miss him even though I know he was a piece of shit to me. he was my almost. I tried so hard to make it work and he didn’t want to or want me. I feel so bad for yelling or getting upset, I feel like I'm crazy or verbally abusive. I intellectually know that... people in relationships, even good ones, they get upset and talk to each other crazy and do crazy things to each other, so I am not alone or isolated. I'm so used to being silent because abuse taught me to be silent.

I want him to miss me or feel bad or have regret, but I doubt he does. he has a girlfriend. he’s probably really happy with her. I keep on looking on his Twitter, hoping I’ll see something that indicates he feels bad or has feelings or whatnot. I keep on hoping he sees me RT’d on my TL, and that he goes on it.

But honestly, what I wish most of all is that I didn’t meet him. I WAS SO FUCKING HAPPY in NYC! I’m for the most part okay, but I am still sad over him. I ask God what the fuck does He think I needed to learn? I didn’t need this heartbreak, at all. I’m trying to believe that Lyndon is not for my greater good, at all. I’m trying to believe that who Lyndon is, he is going to cause women he dates greater pain, and God knew what I could handle.