TheRecklessRunner

I’m angry. I hate feeling this but I am angry. I’m angry at love, men, and my feelings. I’m so angry because everyday I see that there are so many people in this world craving love, craving closeness. There are people in this world that have so much love in their heart to give. But why is it that those people have no one to share that love with? I don't think you know how it feels to have so much love inside you that everyday you feel as if you are going to explode & throw love everywhere. It’s the most horrible feeling and I wouldn't dare wish it upon my worst enemy. I love the idea of love, I love what it can do. I also see that having so much love inside you and not being able to share it can hurt you so much or make you question your self worth. This feeling can lead you to constantly ask yourself “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me that no one wants me?” I know it’s not me, it’s this world. This world has become cold, stone cold and people like me, who feel and love, will always have trouble trying to fit in. I’m angry, are you angry too?

She’s so happy. I’m happy for her, she finally got the guy she’s been crushing on for so long. But I just can’t help but feel sad as well. I feel my eyes watering up and I fight like hell to hold back the tears as she tells me all about their date. I’m happy for her, right? No. I’m jealous of her, but why? Why am I jealous of my best friend being happy? As she tells me about their romantic evening and about the part where he says he loves her, I find myself drifting away to this dark place. A place where I feel such profound sadness and loneliness that seems to swallow me up and take over me. I want what she has, that joy and happiness. I’ve tried so many times to find it but I just keep coming back to this dark place. Maybe I’m not meant to be with someone and feel that kind of happiness. I’m jealous, have you ever been jealous too?

Here we go again, except now it’s a different girl. The hair flips, the glances, the flirting. But doesn't she know that I like him? Of course she knows, I tell my best friend everything. It continues, the touching, the hugs, the laughs. I’m there too, but I’m the watcher. In a room filled with people, how is it that SHE is making me feel invisible? What is it about her that makes me invisible to him? I escape to my escape zone, I stop replying and just fade away. My mind travels to the moment when she told me “aw, you like him? Don’t worry i’ll talk to him for you!” Was this what she meant? Of course not, she’s taking him. I never thought my best friend would do this to me. I fade back into the room just in time to watch them lock lips. She kissed him, they kissed. Here we go again. I got betrayed, have you gotten betrayed too?

Don't you hate it when this happens? You got played. You thought the glances, flirting, and cute messages meant something. They meant something to you just apparently not to him. Do guys understand that a girl takes those moments and writes them on her heart? Those precious moments that meant the world to you but for him it was just another day, another game and you were the piece he chose to play. I’ve been there so many times, probably more times than I can count. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from this, it’s that I know nothing about love and it’s tricks. I’ve learned that I have a lot to learn. I’ve gotten played, has it happened to you too?

I love. I’ve had many versions of love. I know the love thats passionate and crazy. I know the love thats violent and scary. I know the love that means you have to share him with her. I know the love of lust. I know the love that is hidden from a friend.. the friend you love but can’t tell you love.  But I have never known the love thats true and everlasting. The love that is received and given back. The love that inspires movies, poetry, and books. This love is foreign to me.  My mind attacks me every night saying, “Will you ever know this love? Will you ever love and be loved?” I’ve spend nights crying about it and begging God for it. People have died for this kind of love, so it must be special, right? I hope it is. I love.. HARD, but I am never loved back. I yearn for this love. I love..too quick and too hard. Do you love too?

I run, but I also fall. I fall, whether it be slow or fast. I let myself fall through the stars and land in the arms of the ‘catcher’ or the ‘dropper.’ I call them that because they have the power to choose whether they want to catch me or drop me. Most of the time, they don’t make an effort, they don’t even move an inch…and I fall, HARD. Sometimes I can pick myself up, but other times its not so easy. Why do I fall? Why can’t I just choose the option ‘do not fall’? Well it’s not like I haven’t tried to control myself. The fall is not fun at all, what’s fun is the climb but the fall kills me every time. What makes me fall every time? Well, it can be anything. A few kind words, love, attention. I mean, let’s be honest, who doesn’t want all that? In a world filled with so much hate… love is so nice to feel. But how can I stop falling? Will I ever stop falling? I don’t know, because almost every time I pick ‘fall’ or I pick ‘run.’ You can’t even call it fight or flight..because I never put up a fight. Is it so wrong to want love? A love so passionate and so beautiful. The struggle in attaining that unattainable love is worth the fall. I fall..hard. Do you fall too?

Here I am. I run. I run from everything. I run from God, friends, family, boys, problems, mistakes, everything. I don't remember when this horrible habit started or if it ever started. Maybe I was just born this way, I don't know. All I know is that I am a runner and I hate it. I hate that I run from everything. I hate that I run from great opportunities. I hate that I run from love. Why do I do it? I don't know. Maybe I’m programmed to do it. It happens after I get this horrible feeling in my chest. I can only describe it as a heavy weight on my chest, as if someone was stepping on me. I feel this tingly feelings rush through my veins and before I know it, I’m running again. Where do I run? Anywhere. I run to places that are empty, places I can call my ‘escape zone.’ Sometimes I stay there for hours and just sit there and think about everything that just happened. My mind tries to pick fights with me, telling me “You should have done this, why did you do this?” I sit there in silence and darkness and fight with my mind. I do this until I get sleepy or I feel like I need human contact. Most times I just end up staying there. I’m a runner. Are you one too?