Chapter 3
If you missed Chapter 1 & Chapter 2, make sure you take a look!
He repeats the question, this time using my name, āMandy? Can I kiss you?ā
I stammer a bit before blurting out, āIn what capacity?ā which somehow breaks the tension, making us both laugh.
āIām sorry,ā he says. āI just realized Iām most nervous about having to kiss you next week in a room full of people when I barely know you. I was hoping we could just rip the Band-Aid off so I donāt have to spiral about what thatās going to be like. That way, things can just be smooth when we actually start filming. Is that weird?ā
Shit. Itās not fair he gets to look the way he does and also be totally adorable.
āNo, itās not weird. Believe it or not, Iām nervous too.ā
āReally?ā He looks both surprised and relieved.
āYeah, I mean youāre my first fake, on-air boyfriend.ā
I tell him about how the show started when I was 22 and how it went from being a vehicle to promote myself and my music to my sole career. Itās the first time Iāve actually said a lot of this out loud, not to mention to the hottest guy Iāve ever seen in my life, but Casey makes it easy. Heās told me about his family and what they mean to him, which makes me open up about my momās battle with breast cancer when I was 26 and how suddenly the income from the show meant the difference between her getting the best treatment in the country or what was available in her limited health plan.
It was because of that I had to do whatever it took to stay on the air, even if it went against my core beliefs. I went from this fearless 22-year-old who wanted to show other women confidence comes from within and can happen at any size to an overburdened 26-year-old reality tv star shilling weight loss teas and bending over backwards to accommodate whatever the network wanted.
Two of my best friends that started as cast members donāt talk to me anymore.
They still sing at the church we all met at, but I had to fire them because they became moms who audiences felt had āboring storylinesā and āread as tired all the timeā in exchange for Katrein who was also plus size, ādynamic,ā and āaspirationalā. My family still made a cameo from time to time but they went from being a huge part of the show to an occasional FaceTime in order to pay a revolving door of my new friends which included hot trainers, singing coaches, life coaches, and whatever trends the network deemed timely.
All the while, I had been assured that the show was still mine.
My star was what kept the show chugging along, and everything I did on my Instagram and TikTok helped keep me relevant. At one point I worked with a PR person named Jenna who encouraged me to move to Nashville for the summer and collaborate with up and coming country music artists to help expand my fanbase, even though I donāt sing country music. She also thought I should get gastric bypass and do one of those magazine covers where someone who has lost a lot of weight stands in their old pants. For some reason, that was the thing that ended my relationship with her.
Thinking about it now, itās hard to believe Iām 34-years-old and just as close to achieving my dream of pop star stardom as I was all those years ago. The realization hits me like a ton of bricks and Casey, who has somehow been absorbing all of this, reaches out and takes my hand in his.
Itās strange. I know that Casey is being paid to be with me, but it doesnāt feel like he sees it that way. It might just be me being a bit delusional but it feels like we already have a real connection.
āSee, you donāt need to be nervous,ā I joke. āYouāre a natural at this boyfriend stuff.ā
He blushes a little but doesnāt let my hand drop.
āI suppose thatās thanks to Kelly?ā
The question is asked tentatively, even though he brought her up when it had been his turn to monologue about the life circumstances that led him to me. I know Iām playing with fire a little bit, because most of what heās shared is fairly surface. The thing is, I know heās playing a part but Iām starting to want this to be real, and thatās a very dangerous thought.
My heart doesnāt give a shit and wants to know if I have a chance. Maybe theyāre not as serious as Ben and his bio made it out to be.
āProbably,ā he says. āYouād like her. Youāre a lot alike in some ways.ā
āHow so?ā
He shrugs.
āBig dreams and not afraid to go after them.ā
āSo, youāre telling me you have a type,ā I say way too flirtatiously than I should. āGlad that your real girlfriend and fake girlfriend are similar in that way. Is she fat too?ā
I can tell heās a nice guy by the way he recoils a bit when I say āfatā as if itās a dirty word. Ben once explained to me that even though I own it and it doesnāt bother me, it still feels like an insult somehow. I get what he means, of course I do. Iāve been fat long enough to know what it feels like to have it shouted at you or weaponized against your worth as a person. Thatās why I donāt shy away from using it or calling myself fat.
Iām a 2x on a āthinā day and I have been for the past 15 years.
Iām lucky that I carry my weight in a way that society deems as more acceptable than other fat women, but Iām still fat ā just with big boobs, a big ass, and a whisper of an hourglass figure.
āNo, sheās not,ā he finally says.
āToo bad,ā I say, adding a playful wink. āYou donāt know what youāre missing then.ā
āI can already tell that any real boyfriend you have will be lucky to have you.ā
I smile through the knife heās just pushed through my heart and pretend to be unphased as I ask him about all things Kelly. Iām hoping that by doing so it will be less obvious that Iām starting to have a very real crush on him. Iām also hoping that my brain will actually register Casey is totally off limits.
Ben and his bio were correct in assuming their relationship is serious.
I get an abridged version but Casey tells me that he and Kelly have been an item since college where she majored in art history as he pursued an MBA. I discover that Casey is actually five years younger than me, and Kelly three years younger than him. At twenty-nine, Casey is really ready to start settling down but Kelly isnāt totally ready which is why this whole thing doesnāt bother her.
I guess itās easy to take a five-month breather from your serious relationship when you feel like you have all the time in the world.
He assures me that theyāre still very much together, but for optics and other reasons their families and friends think theyāre taking time to really explore who they are as people before they finally make that inevitable leap. Sheās not planning on quitting her full-time job as an art teacher, but without Casey consuming all her time on weekends and after school sheās hoping to really see if she can create art and make a living at it.
He shows me that sheās already opened a shop on etsy and has a few prints for sale. I can tell that heās genuinely proud of her, and I also make a mental note of her shop name so I can later look it up and obsess over the picture sheās uploaded. On his phone itās too small to really see but I get the gist. Kelly is a blonde woman wearing a big smile and painterās smock, holding up a painting of hers. I wonder if heās only into blondes and if I wasnāt fat, if my brown hair and brown eyes would be a deal breaker. I wonder if he only dates women her size or if heās one of those rare guys that values an emotional connection as much as a physical one.
āAre you worried at all about being apart for so long while we film? And then of course thereās the press obligations and the stuff we have to do for a month after wrap to make sure our relationship looks legitā¦ā
āMaybe a little,ā he admits. āBut I also believe whatās meant to happen will happen, you know?ā
āI do.ā
Except what Iām hoping is meant to happen is probably not what heās hoping. Especially now that weāve had this conversation and I feel much closer to him than I ever thought I would.
āShould we kick this thing off?ā I ask, taking my phone out and flipping the camera into selfie mode.
āLetās do it,ā he says.
I start to hold the phone away from me, but Casey moves closer to the point I can feel his body pressed against my back as takes it out of my hand.
āMy arms are longer.ā
He speaks right into my ear and his breath tickles my skin to the point I feel as if Iām covered in goosebumps and praying he canāt tell. He drapes his other arm around my shoulder, as if he were claiming me, and snaps a few shots. As if that werenāt enough he nuzzles my neck, still snapping away as I try to keep my face smiling and composed as if this is my real life and not just for show.
God, I wish it wasnāt just for show.
Itās taking all of my self-control not to make this incredibly inappropriate for him. I want to pounce on him, straddle his thick, muscular thighs and rub myself againstā¦
āCan I kiss you Mandy?ā
I want to scream, āOF COURSE YOU CAN!ā but I just smile and nod. He cradles my face with his free hand, still holding the camera still with his other. I wonder if the selfie taking is making this less real for him, since social media assets were just talked about in our kickoff meeting, or if thereās more going on for him too and the camera gives him an excuse to indulge a little bit.
I donāt care either way but itās confusing, and his touch doesnāt feel completely platonic or innocent. It feels like heās reciprocating this blossoming crush, even if Iām not his usual physical type.
His thumb brushes over my bottom lip and I hear the shutter sound from my phone camera before he leans in and kisses me.
It occurs to me that someone has told him that kissing in film and tv is typically chaste and without tongue. I want to murder whoever told him that and wonder if that makes me a bad person. I continue to play with fire a bit as we kiss, parting my lips ever so slightly against his so should he want to slide his tongue into my mouth heās able to do so.
To both my relief and dismay, he does not oblige.
The shutter continues to snap until he pulls back with a smile, one hand extended to offer me my phone while the other still gently strokes my face.
āShould we do another for good measure or do you feel like youāve got that down?ā I whisper quietly. I donāt know when it happened but my hands have found their way to his chest and itās fair to say there has never been a man whose physique has made me feel this good in his arms. He holds me close in a way that makes me feel accepted for everything I am. Thereās no shrinking down or wanting to feel small, instead thereās just being held. I just have never experienced anything like this. The worst part is I canāt seem to control myself either, and instead of pulling away I look at him, challenging him to kiss me without a camera.
I hate myself for this too.
This man has a girlfriend and what Iām doing is wrong.
I canāt help myself though ā Iāve never felt this kind of pull before. Even with Tobey, whom I loved with my whole heart, this type of attraction was missing. I have judged so many people for getting close to doing what Iām tempting Casey to do, and Iām judging myself but something about him has me already losing control.
Caseyās gaze flickers between my eyes and lips and just as I could swear he starts leaning forward to kiss me again, a voice pulls us both back to reality.





















