The Ramblings of A Gay Mad Man!

Sitting here at my new job

Thinking about the life I have in front of me

So many changes to make, so many emotions to sort

I wish I was a robot again, unencumbered by the human emotion

But where would that leave me... just another bitch to someone

No friends....no family....

The wasteland that would be created would be vast and brutal and thirst quenching

That thirst is.... love

Unconditional, not bought, sought after, self serving but humble, real true love.

I wish I knew what that word meant

I wish the meaning would be showed to me

Either mentally or physically, in sleep or in death.

One way love will be shown to me...I believe

I have to.....

Another hour gone by...

another day besmirched by insomnia...

the voices and energy in my brain won’t fade or silence, only haunt my ever waking moment which is every second of every day it seems...

I wish for silence... hell I beg for it... pathetic.

The needs of others must come first? Why?

Why must I push my pain, anguish and schizophrenic nightmares to the back burner to make others feel better?

Humanity tells me to shield people from the pain I could inflict, but who is there to shield me from myself?

I am my own worst enemy and I am sleeping with him.

These memoirs are the only things I have left it seems.

I wonder when the silence will come... and what will it cost me.

So i went to my dad's girlfriends parents beach house for the weekend hoping to clear my head and somehow feel out how i am supposed to be feeling, if that makes any sense. I keep asking myself where am i? Where am i supposed to be? I have no idea what to do with my life now that i am not engaged to the man i thought i would be spending my life with. Did i make a mistake in moving to Portland to better not only myself but "us" as a relationship too? I have no idea what to do... Maybe i am reaching too far, maybe i am not reaching far enough. Every day is a sickening reminder that i abandoned my old life and got this brand new shiny one, problem is... it didn't come with that new car smell. It's more of a social representation of a life. I have barely any friends, my man is out of the pictures, i barely have any funds right now, and somehow i have developed a hatred for food again.  Again... what to do?.....

On a different note, i am growing more and more angry... that worries me. I don't get angry and when i do it is very... unnoticeable. I usually just stay to myself and listen to some Celine, and i feel better. Or do i... maybe i am internalizing things again. I have to get better at explaining my feelings, no matter how angry or pathetic. I wish work would start already so that i feel like my life, at least the responsibility side of my life, would feel a little bit more regular and stable. I wish that i had the good parts about my old life in my new life... oh god i am rambling from the first paragraph... well i should probably go.... Tata for now!

Sincerely,