trauma dump or something like that, don't read if you don't want to
tw for suicide, death, and just general loss
in the past 6 years i had to deal with the facts that:
• my biological mother lied to my adoptive parents about my biological father
• died by suicide in 2022
• knew who and where i was all along and never contacted me
• my biological father never knew about me, was happy when i found him (2024), introduced me to my half-siblings and other extended family, then kind of abandoned me emotionally, as did most everyone else except for my sister in occasional texts
• that both my adoptive parents stunted my emotional development
• my adoptive mother has (undiagnosed) narcissistic personality disorder and has been emotionally abusing me my whole life but turned it up in the last 4 years when she moved to the middle east supposedly for a year and basically left me in the uk and expected me to be okay with it
• my adoptive father is someone who simply CANNOT deal with sadness or loss and working and hustling is his coping mechanism, his love was always conditional and he is disappointed in what i haven't achieved. at this point he let most of his expectations go and let me go basically
• he can't even talk about my adoption or adoptive family and somehow he's in denial about it after 30 years
• we have lost my partner's mother in a fucked up traumatic way during the beginning of 2020, along with his uncle who was more of a father figure to him, and then later in the summer we lost his other aunt
• that i have lost my childhood best friend, reconnecting won't ever work and our friendship probably wasn't healthy and brought out a bad side of me
• that i might be autistic with more support needs than i would have thought and might not be able to work, travel and raise children to the extent that i would like to (basically live the life i imagined for myself, aspired to) - my assessment is next week, so more on this but a toxic 6 month long full-time job brought out a level of burnout that must be autistic burnout (april 2025) and then a huge conflict with my adoptive mother (april 2026) pushed me back in even though i somewhat recovered
• and now that my young cat has a basically incurable disease and will probably not live a long, healthy, happy life
so i really am not okay but the only positive angle i can latch onto is that i feel like i uncovered most of my issues, what else can there be? i am only 30, not knowing why things hurt or why i am sad or feel inadequate or just plain wrong is worse than knowing and accepting.
some good things so it's not all negativity, trauma, and loss:
• a solid 13-year-long relationship and counting
• my cutie cat despite everything
• friends, some relatives, acquaintances (and even people coming and going) who help, provide purpose, connection, laughter, fun, kindness, advice etc
• so many beautiful and quirky and nice places visited and keep being visited
• a great many good books and tv shows that either provided a distraction or made me feel less alone
amandla
