The Prism System

Scream into the void

Realization is the process of adapting to the world around us in a way that is grounded in reality. When our ways of adapting to a changing world are not grounded in reality, there’s a higher chance of our coping methods being maladaptive. 

The process of realization has two components: formulating beliefs (what has happened, to whom, and why) and then adapting our mental and behavioral actions based on those beliefs. 

Realization is basically: What is going on and what are we going to do about it?

Realization can happen instantly, or it can take time. It can be about very mundane things like realizing you need to watch your budget, or it can be about very deep and meaningful things like the knowledge that you are a good person. Realization is both about what is real in the world around you, and about your sense of self. 

There are two types of mental & behavioral actions related to realization: personification and presentification. 

Personification is the ability to take ownership for our experiences. “This happened to me.” This is where people with DID/OSDD experience serious disruptions in realization. In order to survive our trauma, we can end up with parts of self who believe things like “That didn’t happen”, “That happened, but to someone else”. 

Nonrealization in the form of a lack of personification is at the core of the DID/OSDD experience. It’s why we have alters/parts of self. It’s also why we have that feeling of being on “autopilot”. 

Many trauma survivors do not sufficiently personify their mental and behavioral actions, feelings, thoughts, and behavioral actions in a given moment. This leaves them depersonalized. For example, they may experience as ANP, “I am on an automatic pilot; I know I’m here, but it does not feel that way.”

Survivors do not personify their actions in a given moment and across time under the umbrella of an integrated, unified personality. Their structural dissociation implies the existence of at least two “me’s.” In this organization, each dissociative part personifies some actions and experiences, but regards other actions and experiences as “not me” to some degree, including one or more other parts.

(The haunted self: structural dissociation and the treatment of chronic traumatization 2006)

Presentification is basically just the concept of “being present” or the idea of experiencing the moment as it is occurring. Presentification also has to do with being able to connect the present to the past and the future. It is the ability to make meaning from the present moment within the context of our personal history. 

Nonrealization in relation to presentification can mean confusing the past with the present or confusing the “internal” world with the external. For people with DID/OSDD, this can look like parts/alters experiencing the past as if it were happening right now or experiencing “internal” reality as if it were externally real. For parts oriented to trauma, this can cause a lot of limiting beliefs like the belief that they are still in danger, or that there is no hope of a safe and healthy future. 

Some examples of nonrealization in DID/OSDD:

“That [trauma] didn’t happen.”

“That [trauma] happened, but not to me.” 

“I know it happened, but it doesn’t feel like it happened to me.” “It feels like a dream.” 

“I am a child”, “I am an animal”, “I am a fictional character” “I’m a ghost”, “I’m [abuser]” (Substitute beliefs)

“I don’t have alters”/ “I don’t have parts” (Denial from the host/ANP)

“I’m not safe” (Experience the past as if it’s current)

“My alters are not a parts of me” “My alters are separate people” 

“I don’t feel anger”, “I don’t feel sadness”, “I never cry”

Although nonrealization does involve beliefs that are not grounded in reality, they are not delusions. It’s not accurate to say that people with DID who are experiencing nonrealization are delusional, and saying that someone is dealing with nonrealization is not an insult. (It shouldn’t be an insult to talk about delusions either, but that’s another post.) I think we should be able to talk about the symptom of nonrealization openly and without shame.

If you’ve ever had to deal with an abusive person in your life - like an abusive parent or partner - you’ve probably wondered what made them treat you that way. If you understand why abuse is happening, the thinking goes, you might be able to figure out how to make it stop. 

So why do abusers do what they do? Do they have anger issues? Drinking problems? Past trauma? Personality disorders? Do they just need to get in touch with their feelings and learn how to communicate better?

Nope. 

Abusive behaviours come from abusive beliefs. Abusers - whether consciously or unconsciously - hold specific beliefs about relationships that drive their behaviour and allow them to justify the horrible things they do. Even if your abuser has never put their beliefs into words, you’ll probably recognize a lot of these abusive beliefs:

You are responsible for my emotions. It is never my responsibility to reflect on my emotional reactions or learn better coping skills - it’s your responsibility to stop doing things that make me angry or upset.

I must act on my emotions. If I am angry, I am going to lash out. You have no right to criticize me for that, and it’s not my responsibility to learn to manage my  emotions - you have to stop making me lash out at you. Asking me not to act on my emotions is controlling and wrong.

You will always be responsible for my emotions. Even if the relationship ends, you will continue to be responsible for my emotions, and I will expect you to continue to prioritize my feelings.

If I have feelings about something, it’s my business. If something you do or think causes an emotional reaction in me, then I have a right to get involved or tell you what to do. My feelings must be the priority. You don’t have the right to tell me that it’s none of my business. 

You must judge me on my intentions, not my actions. If I didn’t mean to hurt you or scare you, then you don’t have the right to be hurt or scared. No one has the right to try to hold me accountable unless I meant to hurt someone.

I get to decide what your intentions were. If you hurt me, you meant to hurt me. If you make me jealous, you meant to make me jealous. Nothing you do is ever accidental or unintended - everything you do is intentional and malicious, even if it was a response to something I did.

My feelings are genuine; your feelings are manipulation. If I’m upset, my feelings are real and important. If you are upset, you have an ulterior motive - you’re just trying to be manipulative and get attention or sympathy for yourself.

You have freedoms because I allow you to. Every freedom you have in your life - like wearing what you want - it’s because I generously allow it. I expect you to be grateful to me for that. I have the right to take those freedoms away whenever I want, and I expect you to obey.

If you set boundaries with me, you are mistreating me. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t set boundaries with me. You are doing this to intentionally hurt me, which means I don’t have to respect those boundaries.

You holding me accountable for hurting you is worse than me hurting you. My pain at being called out is worse than your pain at being mistreated. If I feel bad about something I did, I have already been punished enough. You trying to discuss the issue or hold me accountable is just your way of abusing me.

If I apologized for something, you have to forgive me. If the relationship has ended, you have to reconcile with me. You don’t get to ask for more time apart or more discussion of the issue - once I’ve apologized, the matter is closed for good.

The relationship is not over until I say it is over. So long as I want a relationship with you, you must have a relationship with me. Your feelings are irrelevant. Even if we have broken up, you must remain available to me so we can get back together in the future. Not wanting a relationship with me means you are mistreating me or being immature. 

I am the authority in this relationship. I am smarter and more perceptive than you. I know what is best for both of us. My version of events is always the correct one. I have superior judgement, taste and opinions. If you question me or disagree with me after I’ve given you the correct answer, you are disrespecting and mistreating me, or you are simply immature and incapable of knowing what’s good for you.

I have the right to control you. It is my absolute right to decide what you do and who you associate with. You have no right to disobey me. I am owed obedience and control; if you don’t give me those things, you are wronging me and cheating me out of the relationship I deserve. 

If you resist my control, I am allowed to do whatever I think is necessary to get it back. Once you’ve resisted me, I am justified in whatever I do to regain control of you. I am not responsible for my actions when you resist my control; you forced me to do it, and it’s your own fault. 

I should be your main focus. Everything else in your life comes secondary to me. When you make decisions, my feelings should be your first consideration. You are expected to make sacrifices for me and put me at the center of your life; I am not obligated to do the same for you. 

If I spend money on you or do something for you, you are in debt to me. You spending money on me or doing things for me does not erase your debt to me, and I am never in debt to you. You are indebted to me for as long as I decide. I may decide that your belongings and earnings also belong to me, since I allow you to have them. I may also decide at any time that you owe me for gifts I gave you, even if they were meant to be gifts.

I am not abusive, and you are not allowed to tell me otherwise. I know what abuse is, and real abusers are significantly worse than me. If our relationship has ever had any good times or positive moments, it can’t possibly be abusive. If you accuse me of being abusive, you are the one abusing me, or you have been led astray by bad influences. 

Relationships should be effortless (for me). I am owed a relationship that is peaceful and requires no real effort from me. It is your job to make sure we have that kind of relationship. If there is any tension or conflict in the relationship, it is your fault, and you are depriving me of the relationship I deserve to have. 

Abusers and victims alike often buy into the narrative that abuse is rooted in anger issues - after all, abusers are frequently angry, and anger is an issue that can be treated. But this narrative just isn’t true. Abusers aren’t abusive because they are angry. Abusers are angry because they are abusive. 

A non-abusive partner is not someone who has learned how to control their rage whenever you spend time with your friends or get home 15 minutes late from work. A non-abusive partner just doesn’t feel any rage in those situations. An abuser’s rage is firmly rooted in their beliefs about relationships - they feel entitled to a relationship that meets their impossible expectations, and when they inevitably don’t get it, they bubble over with fury. Whether they know it or not, they have firmly entrenched beliefs about how relationships should be, and those beliefs are at the heart of their abuse. 

There's an app called "simply plural" which is designed to do that. It's so far the only app that is designed for systems and from my own experience it works better that daylio since daylio is actually an apl to keep track of moods and not switches.

Simply plural has a poll function, alter profiles (with individual names, pictures, pronouns, functions, colors, likes/dislikes, favorite food/color) and allows friends of systems to see who's fronting fo example (I don't have any experience of the last function, though, but it seems safe and could be helpful).