The Poetry Student

She tapped her fingers again, only briefly before she was able to see her two friends approaching, hand in hand. It made Lily smile, unable to remember a time where Remus and Sirius weren't walking hand-in-hand, or arm to waist, or the moments Remus would slip his hand into the back pocket of Sirius's jeans, or Sirius would insist on walking behind Remus chin on his shoulder which always seemed to Lily to be terribly impractical, but they made it work. At some point, their bodies were glued together, permanently stuck and bonded the same way they both had wedding bands on their fingers and tattoos underneath the bands just in case the I Do's went sideways and they needed something else to remind each other where the love was.

Lily's own fingers were bare. Save the pink nail polish she got professionally done every other week because she could. A standing appointment in red on her planner.

"Sorry we're a bit late," Sirius said, reaching Lily first to embrace her from the side, not wanting to wake the sleeping baby that was strapped to his chest in a white and grey sling, brown curls peaking out over the top. "I would blame it on the baby but both me and him were up and we were waiting for someone to get dressed."

Remus rolled his eyes playfully, giving Lily a short hug as well, "It's early," he offered, before reaching his hand into Sirius's back pocket and pulling out his husband's wallet, "And I'm bringing you tea as a consolation prize."

"I don't think it's a prize if you're using his money," Lily said, arching an eyebrow with amusement as Sirius sat down at the table, "Seems he suffers twice."

"I think the Black vaults can swing it," Remus grinned, and Lily looped her arm through his, the two of them walking into the cafe to order, doubts about whether or not Remus wanted to be there at all disappearing as the slipped into easy conversation.

About the baby--Teddy, or Edward as Sirius consistently called him, who was sleeping through the night but only would nap if he was on Sirius.

About Lily's thriving career, her most recent publication in a Potions journal hung up on the fridge, and how she was going to celebrate (which these days consisted of a bottle of wine, on her couch, alone).

Remus talked about Hogwarts, telling tales of his students and the half-arsed essays he was now on the receiving end of, smile wide as he spoke of the mischief that mirrored the lot of them almost 15 years ago now. When they were sixteen and seventeen and young and careless at the start of a war, holding onto their youth with stupid pranks and endless summer nights. Back when there was a RemusandSirius....and a JamesandLily.

Now...there was just James. Who they didn't talk about and Lily had to avoid the name of the Quidditch Player for the Falcons every time she so much as opened a newspaper or wanted to order a sandwich outside of the hospital cafeteria.

And there was just Lily. And her pink nails and appointments made to see her best friends because that was the only way they could manage.

"We finally decided to have a warming-party," Sirius said, sipping tea around the top of Teddy's head, brushing down brown curls that had gotten ruffled in the wind.

"A house warming," Remus clarified.

"That's what I said."

"For your tiny flat? How is that going to work?" she asked.

"Oh, no, I guess we didn't tell you we moved about two months ago," Sirius told her easily, "You know, after realizing the hard way that a one-bedroom flat with leaky pipes and wood rot wasn't the best environment for a baby."

"Hm, now which parenting book did you read that in?" she responded teasingly over her cup of coffee, "The Joys of Fatherhood or Parenting from the Inside Out?"

"Hey! They have been informative."

"Believe it or not we figured that out on our own...and," Remus cleared his throat, "uh realizing that certain activities were a bit harder with an infant in the room. We actually just moved to Number 12. Sirius spent some time cleaning it up, we painted--"

"Teddy too?"

"One of his footprints is on the parlor door," Sirius smiled softly, "It's very cute."

"Absolute mush around a baby, Black..." Lily shook her head, but it was all in jest. It used to annoy her, in school, when Sirius didn't seem to want to put his mind towards a career, sitting with his 12 Outstanding OWLs and NEWTs and wanting nothing from them. It annoyed her the early years after Hogwarts when Lily was trying to figure out how a Healing Program at St. Mungo's fit into a war and Sirius was there, just wanting to spend time with Remus, and her and...

James.

But now? Sitting across a table at a cafe from her, with his hair pulled up into a knot, tattoos down his neck, and a baby still soundly sleeping on his torso, Sirius wanting to spend his time like this was the furthest from annoying. Sirius moving back into his childhood home for his new family, smiling about footprints on doors, and writing Lily about fun new facts of child development he was learning, was endearing. Remus thought so too, leaning over and kissing Sirius on the side of the head quickly, their hands connecting yet again on the table.

"You should come, it's next Saturday. Teddy's going to be with Andromeda so we'll even have a night off to get properly smashed," Remus told her, "There will be china re-decorating."

Lily looked down at her cup of coffee, now nearly empty, "Suppose...he's out of town?" she hesitated asking, hating how quiet she got, and a silence fell between the three of them. Sirius and Remus exchanged a quick look. "What? If he's there, I won't go, you know this, it's been the same deal for 10 years."

"He...kind of lives with us, Lils," Remus told her evenly and she blinked in his direction several times.

"You're fucking joking."

"There's just so much space, and he spends most of his time at our place anyway, and it's nice to have him around our baby and....to grow up with him," Sirius explained, trying to douse the flames before they started, looking at Lily almost pleadingly to please keep it together.

"Unbelievable...." she muttered, and sighed, "I'm not...I'm happy for you both and of course, I get why you would want...him there. Some sort of Uncle but...that doesn't change where we stand and...I can't go to your party. That's how it is."

"Lily, it's been ten years."

"What's your point?" she asked sticking her chin out, mild irritation and sadness only exacerbated when Sirius snorted.

"Point, my stubborn Lily-Flower, is we're warming things and we want you there. I'll give you the good wine--my parents weren't good for much but their exemplary taste in alcohol--two whole bottles just for you and if it's awful you can leave but quite honestly we have a baby, I'm tired, and you two have already met the world record for longest-silent-treatment. Somethings got to give."

Lily resisted the impulse to shout and why is it always me? at Sirius. At the both of them, because the look on Remus's face told her he agreed and was probably just as tired of making appointments to see Lily when the rest of them just got to waltz into their home. James got the key. James got the wards clearance. Lily got letters and rainchecks. In the custody battle of who-got-what after the split, James had won in a landslide. James got their friends. Lily got the espresso machine.

Lily tapped her nails again, watching as the baby on Sirius began to stir, arms stretching, head moving, making tiny whining noises.

"Ah oui, mon petit amour? Ca va?" Sirius said softly, reaching to undo the straps of the sling so Teddy could stretch his arms higher, nearly hitting Sirius in the chin as he did so. It dissolved Lily some, and she took a breath, half thinking of how much life she was going to miss out on in favor her pride if this was how the next 10 years went. James would see first steps, first days of school, first missing tooth.

Lily would get photographs. The same way she got a lot of life now.

"Just think about it," Remus said, reaching one of his hands over to smooth down Teddy's hair as he woke up and marvel at the world around him.

"No need to think, you both know I'm going to come, especially after all the beginning the promise of good wine."

"The best wine," Sirius grinned, "I'll make those cookies you like too.

She laughed and then looked down again. Her coffee cup empty and she could feel the conversation expiring. RemusandSirius back to their own Sunday morning lives, that probably planting flowers in a spacious backyard and Lily would spend the rest of the day shopping around the area. Pampering herself and perhaps taking herself out for a nice dinner to hide the familiar feelings boiling in the pit of her stomach already. "Dare I ask how he is?"

"You can ask him yourself."

--

Her rose-gold dress was silky and expensive. She had done her hair, in loose curls all down her back, hands decorated in the gold jewelry she always wore, stilettos on her feet, and for lack of a better word, she looked good. Great even, and the early moments of the party had been the worst. When she stood there with spinach dip in one hand and a bag of fertilizer in the other (because what did you get two people for a housewarming who already had everything other than special fertilizer to help roses bloom?) awkwardly greeting her two friends, already hearing how bloody far James's voice could carry, knowing he was in the same vicinity as her and that was just going to be it for the rest of the night. But Sirius took her down to the cellar to pick out her wine, giving her a moment to collect herself.

He's just a guy, Evans.

And Remus had taken her on a tour of the house for the same reason, the two of them shamelessly gulping glasses of expensive wine out of sight of Sirius's rolling eyes. It got better after that, a house big enough that James was easy enough to avoid until people started leaving. Until the group started dwindling, and close friends and family lingered, and Lily moved rooms, attempting to help with the party clean up, giving herself something to do as she debated when the appropriate time was for her to clear out.

"Did Sirius put you to work?"

James Potter could say her name in a crowd of screaming people and she would be able to pick it out. James Potter could tell a joke in Scotland and she would laugh from wherever she was in London. Her memory served her so well most days, and some days, it was absolutely haunting.

Lily tossed the collection of napkins she had in her hand into the trash before turning around, "This is out of the goodness of my heart. You should know I won't listen to anything Sirius tells me to do..."

James smiled easily. As if he smiled at Lily's wry humor every day.

Like 10 years hadn't passed since they had spoken.

Like Lily didn't keep up with James's life through pictures in the daily prophet or anecdotes from their friends.

"Better person than I am. My plan was to lay on the couch while they cleaned up tomorrow, feet on the furniture, the whole charade," he teased. James still had a dimple on the side of his face and though there were more creases under his eyes, he otherwise still looked every bit of nineteen. Dark curly hair, hazel eyes with thick lashes behind glasses frames--the kind that were comically big and large and should've stayed in the seventies but James could always pull off. His bright magenta t-shirt pulled along his shoulders, all the years of playing Quidditch professionally visible, tucked into jeans. A tattoo on the inside of his forearm was new; so were the shoes on his feet, and the cologne he was wearing. Everything else....

Everything else.

was still so James.

"Nice of you, especially given their baby. I'm sure they really appreciate that level of support. Trust. Care...."

James smile grew, walking over to the counter and grabbing a few of the napkins Lily missed to toss into the trash. He was standing closer to her, and even in her stiletto's he towered over her. She remembered all the kisses she gave him barefoot at the end of long nights, standing on her tiptoes, pulling his face down certain he was going to throw his back out one of the days. He never did.

"Well, then this is my contribution. Collectively we're very helpful."

"Definitely," she nodded picking up her glass of wine and taking a sip, aware of how her hands were sweating. How did you start a conversation with your ex-boyfriend-fiance-love-of-your-life when you had crossed streets and made appointments to avoid doing so for 10 years?

"You look good, Lily."

"I know."

"I see your...publications on the fridge every morning. Read a few, even. I'm sure you don't need my.... long-time connections but Abba used to work with a Healer who specialized in after-effects of harmful potions and she's older now but we have tea every once in a while and I could make the introduction if you wanted me to. Healer Bones, have you heard of their work?"

Lily laughed a little, sipping her wine again, "I don't need your connections, Potter. And I don't need you to tell me that I look good either, you squandered that privilege long ago."

"I know you don't need them, I was asking if you wanted them."

"I don't," she said, "I know I'm at this party but its because I care about RemusandSirius, not because I've seen the light and finally decided to wave the white flag with you. I'm terribly uninterested in this conversation, actually."

James's posture dropped a little, eyebrows knitting together with concern, "I'm not looking for a white flag. I don't deserve that."

"You're right."

James smiled again and shook his head, looking down at their feet, "I'm not looking for forgiveness with...this. I mostly making conversation because my friends are currently snogging and you were in the place I usually hide out when that happens."

"The kitchen?"

"Yeah. Was going to make a cup of tea, and you were in here."

"Don't let me interrupt then."

"That's not what I'm saying."

"And this is exactly why we haven't been in the same room for so long...we can't not argue and--"

"We're not arguing."

"Sure," she said, walking away from James to sit at the table, "Make your tea, then. I'll finish my wine and I'll be out of your hair."

"I don't think I want that either..."

"We don't always get what we want," she said into her glass and took another sip, watching as James magically put the kettle on the stove, reaching into a cupboard to pull out a basket of tea. She started tapping her nails again on the table, looking around the other parts of the kitchen that were new. Photographs. A window that Sirius had put in, where there wasn't one before, with soft curtains. Their table had a floral arrangement as a centerpiece. Placemats were tucked away into drawers. They hand--

"Stop that."

"Hm?"

"Your nails," James commented leaning against the counter with his arms folded over his chest, "That always drove me crazy. Everywhere we went..."

"And I suppose you've stopped ruffling your hair if we're talking about habits?"

"Not quite, press likes it though...."

Lily snorted, unable to stop herself, "Arrogant as ever..."

"Probably worse, actually."

"I don't believe that."

"No? You don't even want to be in the same room as me anymore, Lily."

"Not because of your ego. You broke my heart, James. In the middle of a fucking war...you...broke my heart. I had to take a ring off my finger and give it back to you."

"I didn't ask you to do that."

"And I was supposed to walk around half-engaged for the rest of my life because I liked the fucking ring? That's stupid." It had taken weeks for the imprint of the ring on her finger to go away; months for the slight tan she had developed to do the same, and even now there was still a patch of freckles around where the ring should've been. A cluster of memories permanently stained her skin. "I haven't wanted to be around you because you make me so...unbearably sad James Potter. I'm furious, sure, pride wounded but...it still hurts to look at you."

She was drunk, she knew it.

She was emotional, she knew that too.

But maybe something did have to give. She was at the party, she had made it this far, might as well get the last few words in before everything crumbled again and she had to spend the next month peeling herself off her sofa. Never expecting that the same boy with the big, bright smile and the even bigger heart would be the one to give hers a stress fracture that could never heal properly. Never thinking there would be a day their hands separated, or they shared a final kiss. Never anticipating that James would be the one to give up out of cowardice and fear. That he would change his mind.

We can't be together, Lily. I don't want to be with you anymore.

"It wasn't easy for me."

"You still did it."

"I'd do it again too because it means I'm this kitchen having a not-argument with you instead of visiting a grave every year like we do for Marlene and Dorcas and everyone else."

Lily had heard the excuse before. Had heard the apology twenty times over.

I just buried my parents, I'm not going to bury you. We're done.

"Didn't break up with Sirius..." she mused, "Still married to him..."

James picked up his cup of tea and walked over to sit across from Lily at the table. Resting on his elbows, dark skin brushed over with golden hues from all the time in the sun.

"I...think about you all the time. Ask about you...never stopped."

"Good."

James laughed softly, "I still have the ring too."

Lily set down her glass of wine slowly at James's words, looking into meet hazel eyes and feeling a flush spread over the back of her neck. The heat, the brain fog, the swollen tongue, borderline illness that always came around James Potter. The real reason--not the bitterness, the resentment, or heartache she felt being in his proximity or attempting to have a conversation--she had avoided making appointments with him for the past 10 years. The real reason she had made excuses and waved him away was when the war ended victoriously and James asked to try again. He had permeated her bloodstream, and he was the fever she couldn't sweat out.

One look.

One sentence.