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Moving American in Europe makes me a despicable hustler

Feeling emotionally whorish and schitzophrenic

I put myself through a zero situation and got a lot out of it. Some temporary cross wiring is a helpful thing. I can see myself emulating cruelty and distance that’s not of my nature. I know where I picked the distance up from, and I know I’m trying to repeat the distance to gain a closeness to and an understanding of a pain, that I am enacting as the instigator rather than the receiving party. But I also know that the reason why I was dealt that hurt and distance was a part of the same chain repetition, the person who hurt me was also tethered to loss and negotiating an impasse by restaging their injury. It’s funny how indirect and ghostish loss is. I know the injury the person before me was tethered to, and I can laugh at it and find their situation alien and ridiculous, or beyond my own care. Everything is sad and funny and the world is constantly new and raw and so full of dead ends and overturned expectations.

Send 20 lowball messages to buy 16mm film projector---->one person randomly agrees-----> beautiful seafoamgrun 16mm projecotr---->train to edge of city to meet up with people living in a hippy ass treehouse apartment to pick up projector---->too heavy to carry back to train station, call a car---->film student offers film to test project----->film is running but low-key there's no image---->projector is missing a lens---->ask people that sold projector if there have it--->no they dont but they know someone who might---->random polish man shows up to apartment with 6 lenses, 2 jank screwdrivers, on crutches---->ohfuq---->but he is randomly a technician for very many film institutions across the country--->reveal: this projector is way out of order in a way I never would have been able to learn and it was a miracle that it didn't completely destroy the film students' film---->polish man goes way back w experimental film and wont sell you a projector but will allow to borrow his projectors as long as you pay for the the transportation and allow him to attend your screenings for free---->the best life ever continues---->

Having the life you wanted and hating it

Can't understand my own urgency why did I just cut the fabric for a dress with nail clippers

I am such a hunter stalker pusher, but the only thing that makes me feel old is a distance in pursuit like when I see some thing or someone wish I previously would have stopped at nothing for, but that experience and wisdom has taught me is really a dead end. It’s all how much of this thing that feels so much like knowledge is also a Pavlovian response. The details just happened to be more intricate, it feels like knowing not to touch fire after getting burned but instead, there’s just distance and wind there