Eat
I've been doing so great with recovery and today was a look into the past of when it was much worse and in denial.
Breakfast with a close friends family, I feel somewhat comfortable with them, but today not so much. I still have anxiety with food but today I feel was a very bad day and an internal struggle that I wanted to put into the world because maybe someone will relate.
We’ve been to this restaurant before so why is today so different? I felt as though I ordered wrong immediately after, but why? It said it came with bread but the waitress didn’t ask what kind I wanted, I didn’t get to say what kind of bread I wanted and I don’t want white bread; it can never be white bread. But how will they know if I don’t say, it’s too late. Food comes, no bread, a relief to be honest, was so worried about the stupid bread this whole time, but another problem arises; “stinky” my friend says, granted its made with brussels sprouts; I have this thing where I get so self conscious when people comment on my food, especially in a negative way. Said friend knows this, I’ve said it before so why would they say that? So I move the food around, and around, and around but the fork never makes it to my mouth, why is this? The food is ‘stinky’ so therefore I’ll be stinky if I eat the food. I’ll add tabasco that will make it better, make it all better, I'm so hungry but why cant I just eat the food, there’s no cheese, the food is fine, perfect really; I want join everyone else, their all enjoying their meal, but why can’t I? Around Around Around, the tabasco is out of reach, so just ask for it. But then I’ll be a burden, Ill interrupt their conversation, its rude to interrupt. I don’t want to make a scene, a fuss, just eat it don’t be a brat or picky, its just food. Stirring around around around, lift up the fork, act like you've been eating this whole time, no one will know. “How is it?”, its good. Ask for the tabasco, you can do it, just be strong, then you can eat. Time is ticking, soon it will be too late to eat and everyone one will be done. Just take a bite and you’ll feel fine, better even. I can’t, I just can’t. I’m struggling but no one can see, no one is noticing, no one cares.
Around, Around, Around, Check.
