The Pastiche Post

AUSTIN, TEXAS -- This week, a federal judge temporarily blocked Texas' ban on abortions after six weeks. The new law had garnered quite a bit of attention across the country, including sharp rebukes from women's rights groups. However, it appears that elected Republicans in the Lone Star State are feeling quite undeterred by the federal judge blocking their new law.

Donald Trump Wins Not Just One, But Two Nobel Prizes

This morning, in a special signing ceremony after an all-night session in both houses of the state legislature, Gov. Greg Abbott signed a new law onto the books. Now, if a woman is constipated for less than nine months, she is prohibited by law from taking laxatives to relieve her intestinal distress. Abbott called it a "banner day for protecting the rights of the un-pooped." "In Texas, we carry everything for nine months, period," Abbott said proudly as he signed the new law. "This is a banner day for protecting the rights of the un-pooped in Texas, and I genuinely hope this law is in my obituary one day." Dustin Pewpson, a leading evangelical leader and self-proclaimed "warrior for the unborn and non-crapped" hailed the signing of the new law for "breaking the winds of evil in this nation."

"When I first heard they were going to push this law out, I thought, well, crap, I think that's a really spectacular idea," Pewpson told Fox News this morning. "It's nice to know that there are some elected officials who understand a woman has no ability, science-tastically speaking, to know when or what she should push out of any hole in her body. That's why God left it up to the superior male, um, you know, thingy in our head-bones!" Word out of Texas is that there are already thousands of cars headed for neighboring states and the laxatives their stores will provide to a desperate, constipated woman. Gov. Abbott has vowed to use the Texas State Troopers to track down and prosecute any woman fleeing state lines to "take a dump." "If it's legitimate bowel blockage, the Bible says a woman's body has a way of shitting that whole thing out," Abbott said with a shrug. "So we'll make room for the poo-bortionists in the same cells we built for woman who get regular abortions. Because that's what small government means. Government small enough to probe any hole you got, sister!"

Pence Says He’s Forgiven Trump for Jan 6th Because ‘Jesus Said to Spread the Other Cheek’

AUSTIN, TEXGHANISTAN -- Gov. Greg Abbott (Q) promised reporters and Texghanistan natives alike this week that rape victims have nothing to worry about when it comes to life in the Lone Star State. When asked about the new six-week abortion ban he just signed into law, and its lack of exemptions for victims of rape, Abbott insisted that he'd "eliminate" rapists instead. As difficult of a proposition it was to remove every rapist and would-be rapist from the state, Abbott really stuck his foot in it with the de facto leader of his political party. Reportedly, not long after he proclaimed that he'd make Texas rapist-free, Abbott received what witnesses called a "rushed, angry, and clearly panicked" phone call from a friend in Florida.

“Let Me Explain Why Rapists Might Be Entitled to $10,000” by Gov. Greg Abbott

"GREG! GREG! WHAT THE EVER-LOVING-FUCK, GREG," the shouts and demands from the person on the other end of the phone could be heard from across the room. "NO MORE RAPISTS IN TEXGHANISTAN, GREG?! GUESS I SHOULD CANCEL THAT TRUMP RALLY, SHOUDN'T I?!" Abbott reportedly went gray. His skin was cold and clammy. He'd done it; he'd upset the Big Guy, and he wasn't exactly sure how to get out of this mess. "Now, sir, please understand I had to say SOMETHING. I had to give them something to print, that didn't make it seem like I'm pretty much okay with rape," Abbott tried. "So I said I'd do something that I really can't do anyway, you know, throw them off the scent. I'll make a few appearances, I'll repeat my anti-rapist policy a few times, but it's not like I'm going to start tossing rapists out of the state; do you know how much of my base are Rapist Americans, Don?" Trump was still furious. "I AM STILL FURIOUS, GREG! ANGRY, DO YOU HEAR ME," the man demanded. "I WAS GONNA HAVE A FEW MAGA RALLIES, GREG, IN YOUR SHIT HOLE STATE, GREG, BUT NOW I AM NOT SURE I FEEL VERY WELCOME, THANKS TO YOUR NO-RAPISTS POLICY! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS, GREG?!" A frantic and nervous Abbott told the man on the other end of the line that "no matter what" the Trump rallies were going to happen, and that he would "personally protect" the former, one term, twice forever impeached president from any legal harm while he's in Texghanistan. "As God as my witness, I will protect you. I will protect anyone who wants to rape in the name of making babies and/or MAGA," Abbott assured the other man. "Please, I beg you, just give me some time. I'll figure out how to be anti-rapist but still pro-Trump. If I can be pro-life and anti-poor people and still call myself a Christian, I'm sure I can pull this off, too."

Pro-Life Baker Devastated When Open Bag of Flour Spills and Aborts His Cake

SCHLAFLY RIVER, TEXAS-- 56-year-old Kellen Masteroni has been a baker in his small Texas town for most of his adult life. He began working as an apprentice in the bakery he ultimately ended up taking over when his longtime boss retired, and has become a fixture in his berg; baking nearly every wedding and baby shower cake for festivities held at his church for over two decades. #abortion #politicalsatire #satire #Texas #TexasLege

The following editorial was written by Gov. Greg Abbott (Taliban-TX), concerning his state's new 6-week abortion ban. Included in the law is a provision that allows private citizens to report people they believe aided or abetted an abortion, and could receive up to $10,000 in rewards for their efforts. Legal scholars and women's rights advocates note that unless addressed, the law provides a loophole that would let a rapist sue their victim for aborting a pregnancy that resulted from the rape. The views and opinions expressed below are those of Gov. Abbott (and other similar religious nut bars), and not necessarily those of this outlet, its ownership, or management.

"Let Me Explain Why Rapists Might Be Entitled to $10,000" by Gov. Greg Abbott

While the mainstream/communist/socialist/Antifa/anti-MAGA/anti-theocracy media and various other loud voices on the far, extreme left are whining, moaning, and crying about Texas' new six-week abortion ban, let me do my level best to interject some calm, rational pabulum, platitudes, and bullshit to the discussion. For starters, yes, this law is the most draconian abortion law written to date. Yes, it codifies a line of demarcation wherein most women aren't even aware that they are pregnant yet. It protects unborn human life while ironically our state lawmakers pass gun laws that make it much easier to end human life wherever, and whenever, any good, clean, white, ammo hoarding Christian American patriot deems necessary.

Amazon Starts Same-Day Coat Hanger Deliveries to All Texas Counties

All of that is true, and I'm still proud of this bill. Because nothing says "small government" like shrinking it small enough to fit inside every single Texan woman's uterus. But, there's one part of the law that has people really up in arms, that I think we should address much more specifically, and that's the element that allows a private citizen to snitch on someone who aids or abets an abortion after six week, with a financial incentive of up to $10,000 as a reward for such a tattler. The harping about this clause has led some to point out that, technically, a man could rape his daughter, impregnate her, and then sue her for $10,000 if she tries to get an abortion after six weeks, when she finally learns why she's missed her last period. I could write all kinds of lies, or obfuscations about this clause, but why? We all know God and Jesus literally gave their seal of approval to this law, and much more importantly, sometimes a rapist deserves a $10,000 cash reward. In order to understand why we Christofascist Americans believe we are morally correct for forcing a woman into a life of abject sex slavery at the risk of impoverishment or imprisonment, one must first learn to see pregnancy not as a biological fact of life, with many scientific and medical factors that make each one a danger to the life of the pregnant woman, and instead view them as magical baby making events, where the spirit of Christ enters your peenween and helps you shoot magical goo up inside a fantastical cave of procreation. Maybe all that sounds like one, big run-on sentence of absolute horse shit. But well, suck it, America. We want to treat women like objects, and are very mad that for the last fifty years our narrow, childish view of the act of human reproduction has led to more women in the workforce, living the lives they want to live. So we decided to take away a fundamental human right -- the agency to decide when to take on the awesome responsibility of raising and caring for a child -- away from women. But, why should a man get money for raping a woman and getting her pregnant? Well, libtards, the key is in the word "man." Men should get what they want, no matter what. It's in the Bible, you know the document the Founders really wanted us to use instead of the Constitution, but couldn't find it on that day because everyone was too busy reading all the Bibles in the country, and they just assumed every American would be forced, in some way, to adhere to Christian principles? It's all true. Look it up on Alex Jones' website! Anyway, the point about the bounties is this: fuck you, libs. We want this. We get this. We'll do whatever we want, because the cruelty and misogyny is the entire point. But please, don't let this stop you from going high and staying above it all, because at some point we arch conservative fascists will totally start respecting you if you do. I mean, it'll be after we roll back every inch of progress of the last two hundred or so years, but hey, slavery wasn't so bad, and do women even need to vote if they can't even control their own pussies? Checkmate, libtards.

Highly Anticipated Durham Report Concludes Joe Biden is Still Donald Trump’s President

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON -- Retail monolith Amazon is adding a new service to certain states in America that will deliver specialized items the same day they were ordered and delivered within the state of Texas. "One thing Amazon has always prided itself on is identifying and filling a hole in the market when one crops up," Amazon Deputy Media Liaison Shirley Vaughn told reporters at a press conference this morning. "The holes in the hearts of red state lawmakers ended up creating a hole in the coat hanger delivery market that only Amazon is uniquely positioned to fill."

Pat Robertson Blames ‘Hot Men Doing Sexy Times on Each Other’s Fannies’ for California Wildfires

Soon, customers in the Lone Star State will have the option to select same-day delivery of wire coat hangers, rags, and bleach ordered through Amazon, at no additional charge. "We have special agreements in place with all our vendors that will help expedite the delivery of those items," Vaughn said. "The only real concern we have is if the coat hangers, bleach, and rags can be produced fast enough to meet demand. There are going to be tons of 14 year old daughters of staunch Republicans making these orders." The coat hangers, bleach, and rags will be packaged uniquely, so as not to attract too much attention from nosy neighbors. "We'll put them all in a box marked, 'Guns, Ammo, and Bibles,' so it won't arouse any suspicions from local authorities," Vaughn said. "That should help get the boxes straight through to the rape victims and adult women wanting to make their own sexual reproductive choices in a place quickly devolving into a theocratic fascist Christostate. Which is, of course, just another opportunity for us to stretch our profit margins a little wider." Vaughn said if this new service goes well, it can be easily expanded. "Let's face it, if you take a map of the Confederacy, you can pretty much plot out where these new laws are going to be written," Vaughn said. "In fact, now that I'm looking at them side-by-side, yeah, they're pretty much the same map, fam." Other items will be offered same-day by Amazon. "Uterine tracking devices, chastity belts, morning after pills, those are just the tip of the iceberg," Ms. Vaughn said. "There could be an entire cottage industry of products for women who have just lost sovereignty over their own genitals." Ms. Vaughn stated says Amazon is not taking a political position with this move, only financial. However, she did admit that Amazon wouldn't be in the position to capitalize on this situation "without the help of some very outspoken religious fanatics." "Let's face it, folks. If people weren't trying to ram their religion down our throats and force us to get emotionally invested in a life form that is literally microscopic and indistinguishable at that stage of development from an elephant in the same stage," Vaughn said, "we wouldn't be discussing this right now. If these people would just mind their business and adopt babies and stop being judgmental pricks, sure, the world would be a harmonious place, but we wouldn't be maximizing our profits either, so...you know...give and take and whatnot, I guess." While the same-day delivery will be available for all orders, Amazon Prime members will have the additional purchasing options. They can choose to either have their orders drone dropped within 4 hours of ordering, or they can have a doctor meet them with discretion in any local alleyway they choose.

Louis CK, Bill Cosby, and Bill O’Reilly Next on Producers’ Shortlist to Host “Jeopardy”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- For more than a year, pro-MAGA Americans have been on pins and needles awaiting its arrival. Now, finally, Inspector General John Durham's report on the origins of the government's investigation of potential collusion between foreign operatives and former, one term, twice forever impeached President Donald Trump, has been filed, and it's sure to make national headlines. In summary, what the Durham report concludes with "firm accuracy and undeniable reality" is that Joe Biden is president now, Joe Biden will be president tomorrow, and that Joe Biden will remain Donald Trump's president until such time as the Constitution or some other force of nature says he is no longer president.

Pat Robertson Blames ‘Hot Men Doing Sexy Times on Each Other’s Fannies’ for California Wildfires

"When this investigation started, Donald Trump was president. However, in the ensuing time, Joe Biden was elected," Durham's report states. "So, no matter what else our team discovered in regards to how the government ran its investigation into former President Trump, there is nothing the investigation could ultimately do to remove Biden from office." Reaction on the right, in pro-MAGA circles has been predictably swift and angry. "Clearly someone got to Durham. It's just my theory, but I bet this has something to do with Benghazi," Congressman Darrell Issa (Q-CA) told Fox News this morning. "It's a sad day when we can't count on hand-picked political appointees to shred the Constitution and insist that we un-elect a Democrat." Freshman Congresshorse Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) whinnied and stamped her feet in disgust while discussing the report with Steve Bannon on his podcast. "Steve, I'm just grateful that come September 34th, our Dear President will be back in office," Greene shouted. "So he can personally round up and exterminate every single anti-American Antifa Democrat who all clearly got to Durham. We all know that eighteen trillion illegal Mexican votes were implanted by the ghost of Hugo Chavez into Arizona and Georgia voting machines! And as soon as we make up the evidence, we'll present it!"

Louis CK, Bill Cosby, and Bill O’Reilly Next on Producers’ Shortlist to Host “Jeopardy”

Televangelist Pat Robertson has been watching the developments in California this week quite closely. #CAfires #CAWildfires #CalFire #climatechange #comedian #comedy #PatRobertson #politicalsatire #satire

A new study from the National Institute of Investigation, Inquiry, and Inquest has delivered some rather fascinating results. If they can be peer reviewed and independently corroborated, the new study's results seem to indicate that 100% of Americans who believe the 2020 election was stolen from Donald Trump have one striking thing in common. "They're all dumb as fuck," NIII's spokesperson, Julia Bodulia told us during a Skype session this morning. "Like, take a bag of hammers, throw it into a cargo container full of potatoes, and cram it all up inside Lauren Boebert's butthole, and that's how fucking dumb these people are."

Louis CK, Bill Cosby, and Bill O’Reilly Next on Producers’ Shortlist to Host “Jeopardy”

Bodulia reported that the NIII conducted their survey over the course of the last several months, calling and emailing thousands of participants. Ms. Bodulia indicated that her staff would scour social media posts, looking for people claiming that Donald Trump was the actual winner, and that Democrats had conspired to steal the election from him. With each response her team received, Bodulia said the "math became simply unavoidable." "Every single, solitary person who told us that they truly believe that Donald Trump is the rightful president, all turned out to be dumb as fuck," Bodulia explained. "We'd ask them who won the election, and then ask them to explain Critical Race Theory, or tell us where the Constitution mandates we can't have some social welfare programs. All of their answers would lead us down one path: their above-the-fold, all-caps stupidity." While Dr. Bodulia could not offer any concrete steps America can take in order to reverse course and put pro-MAGA citizens back on a pathway to intelligence, she did say that "things could correct themselves in a more Darwinian way." "I guess if they're out there taking horse pills instead of getting COVID vaccines and attending super-spreader tractor pulls and NASCAR races," Bodulia suggested, "some of these things could correct themselves in a more Darwinian way. Only time will tell."

DeSantis: “I’ll Worry About Kids Getting COVID When They’re Old Enough to Vote”

HOLLYWOOB, CALIFORNIA --They really thought they'd found the perfect pair to host one of the most respected and beloved game shows of all time -- a celebrity bookworm/anti-vaxxer nutbar and one of their fellow producers. However, before even a week could elapse after the announcement, producers of Jeopardy are scrambling to find a permanent host, again. To be sure, whomever wins the coveted position of Jeopardy host will be tasked with the unenviable mission to replace Alex Trebek. Mike Richards, the show's producer who was originally tapped to take over had his chance scuttled when recordings of his sexist comments on a podcast came to light. Actress Mayim Bialik was asked to do the primetime episodes of the show, but fans are finding her past comments on vaccines disturbing enough to petition the showrunners to find someone else instead.

READ MORE: Graham: Biden Should Be Impeached for Afghanistan and How Little Face-to-Balls Time He Gets

This morning, Jeopardy's production team released a statement and acknowledged that they are now in "crunch time" and need to find their new host as quickly as possible. The press statement lists three men who will be given guest hosting auditions in the next several weeks. "The team behind your favorite trivia quiz show has heard your complaints, concerns, and comments, and we want you to know that we are committed to foisting the exact right kind of scumbag on you, our viewing audience," the statement begins. "To that end, we have asked comedian/non-consensual masturbation performance artist Louis CK to host new episodes, airing next week." In addition to CK, the show's producers have also contacted Bill Cosby, and former Fox News host Bill O'Reilly to potentially fill the void left by Trebek's passing. "Between Louis and the Two Bills, we know the right creep and pervert will come along," the press release states. "While Alex Trebek was, to the best of our knowledge, nothing like them, we decided it was time to change things up. Much like flushing a toilet changes things up, and that's a metaphor we think is quite apt at this juncture." This is a developing story.

Pro-MAGA Fire Chief Slams Biden for Putting Out 20 Year Old Fire George W. Bush Started

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Elected pro-MAGA Republicans have been relentless in the past few days in their calls for the impeachment of President Joe Biden. At the center of their complaints is the handling of the drawdown of U.S. troop presence in Afghanistan, which was initially put into motion by former, one-term, twice forever impeached daughter lusting President Donald J. Trump. This morning, one of Trump's most loyal taint polishers signaled his support for impeaching Biden, and added his voice to the chorus of right-wing politicians demanding the president be held accountable for ending a war almost no one thought the U.S. should be fighting anymore anyway.

DeSantis: “I’ll Worry About Kids Getting COVID When They’re Old Enough to Vote”

"Look, as a Republican, of course I think Joe should be impeached for being a Democrat, being a Democrat who worked with a black president, and for being a soyboy betacuck commie in general," Graham told Fox News today. "But, more specifically, clearly he needs to be impeached for Afghanistan. That's a mess, and it's all his fault he didn't do a better job doing what Forever God King President Trump wanted to do months earlier." Graham also divulged that it's not just the Afghanistan pull-out that he thinks Biden should be punished for. "Did you know that Biden hasn't had me over to the White House a single time yet? How does he expect me to help him if he won't give me the same face-to-balls time that Don Trump gave me," Graham asked incredulously. "C'mon Joe! You know I gotta be fired up somethin' fierce if I'm okay with putting an urban vagina-haver in the Oval instead of an old white man!" Thus far, President Biden has not backed down from his decision to have all U.S. forces out of Afghanistan by the end of August. Over the past several days, tens of thousands of people have been airlifted out of Afghanistan ahead of that deadline. However, Graham says those airlifts are "not enough." "Whether or the administration oversees the largest rescue operation in history is not as important as whether or not I get one-on-one time with a presidential fruit basket," Graham said. "It's so mean for Biden to take one of my most favorite pastimes away from me like that." The White House did not provide a comment on this story.

Greene Asks Taliban for Advice on Overthrowing a Government to Install a Right-Wing Theocracy

"Clearly I do not want to kill off more of my base than I need to." #comedy #COVID19 #Delta #Florida #politicalsatire #RonDesantis #satire #schools

"I got a lot in common with them, actually." #MarjorieTaylorGreene #Taliban #satire #politicalsatire

This weekend, President Joe Biden performed what most would call an act of heroism and bravery. #Afghanistan #DonaldTrump #JoeBiden #politicalsatire #satire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The American right, led by pro-MAGA politicians and media figures, has been in quite a lather over Hunter Biden. Since the election, lurid, tabloid driven stories of Hunter's trials and tribulations have flooded conservative media sites. In fact, Hunter Biden's seat on the board of a Ukrainian energy company was at the heart of former, one term, twice forever impeached President Donald Trump's attempts to extort that country into helping him win last year's election. Today, though they could not and did not cite any specific crimes that Hunter Biden has committed, and he holds no public office, freshman Representatives Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) and Mango Craycray Greene (Q-GA) filed Articles of Impeachment against Hunter.

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"Our main charge against Hunter is that he's a libtarded son of a libtard. Maybe that's not tech-ma-cally impeachable, but it will be Donald John Trump is back on his throne," Greene said while also smoking crack during a press conference today. "However, we also hereby charge Hunter with being a Demon-crap AND Joe Biden's son, which is extremely impeachable!" Boebert indicated that these might just be the first of several impeachment articles filed against or about Hunter Biden. "These articles if impeachment are just the first step in destroying President Joe Biden, his family, and the Democrat Party! Then, we can put King Trump back in his throne. Hunter's going to go through some things now," Boebert said, "and tomorrow we plan to impeach his laptop!" Congressman Darrell Issa (Q-CA) praised Boebert and Greene, calling them "two delusional psychopath conspiracy theorists after my own heart." "I think what they're doing is just fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. But if I'm being honest," Issa said when asked about the impeachment articles today, "I think they're not going far enough. I'd like to see them impeach Hillary Clinton for Benghazi, or at the very least impeach Hunter for knowing Hillary, who should be impeached for Benghazi. You get it."

Cuomo Resigns, Plans to Spend More Time Groping Someone Else’s Family

"Period." #DonaldTrump #inauguralcrowdsize #Inauguration #politicalsatire #satire #SeanSpicer

GRABBINY, NEW YORK -- Gov. Andrew Cuomo of New York (D) announced his official resignation from his post this morning. It will be effective fourteen days from today, and New York's Lieutenant Governor, Kathy Hochul, a Democratic woman, will fill out the remainder of Cuomo's term. "The best thing I can do now is move aside," Cuomo said during his resignation announcement, "and spend some time with family."

Meghan McCain’s Hairdresser Thankful They No Longer Have to Send Coded Cries for Help

Cuomo, clearing his throat, continued quickly. "Someone else's family. Who I'll then grope, of course," Cuomo divulged. "I need to take some time, and get back to basics." Soon to be former Governor Cuomo said he's "excited, but nervous" to see what the future holds for him. "I've been a pubic -- excuse me! -- public servant so long, I'm not sure I'll know how to handle going back to being a private sector creepazoid," Cuomo shrugged, "but I think I'll manage to make it work somehow." Cuomo thanked his administration, and praised them for what they accomplished. He promised to "keep in very close, uncomfortable touch" with his team. "You have a lot to be proud of. We came through a pandemic together, and we did so much for this great state," Cuomo said, getting up from the table he was seated at before turning back toward the reporters to ask his own question of them. "Hey, anyone wanna see my dick before I go?"

AZ Audit Finds Two Million Ballots Filled Out in Unicorn Blood

Don't miss our exclusive interview. #hairdresser #MeghanMccain #politicalsatire #satire #TheView