The Passing Dialogues

We will always have more in that little room, in those sleepless nights Than being in different corners of the world--living separate lives.

Because it was of heaven and earth that our destinies cross. Before. Now. Until my soul craves the connection of yours. And my body carries a constant longing for yours. Always, my love. Again. Over and over.

And I wish it didn’t hurt anymore Whenever I would hear that song The one you sang softly While you looked out the window After the night you swept me Off my feet You hummed that tune Then looked back at me With the sunlight Bathing your beautiful face With a smile That made me falter And I just wish it wouldn’t hurt Not anymore To play to that song That I can go on listening With my heart no longer breaking along

You are gone From my mind From my heart From all the tiny pieces --that used to make up me

I miss you. It’s the truth. I want to swallow my pride and just say it to you straight over and over. Get it out of my system. But it wouldn’t matter and it’ll just break me all over again. So for now, I’ll keep it to myself. Write it in places you will never read. Until I forget I ever did miss you to begin with.

"I want you." I was only able to muster the courage to say it in an inebriated state. Your response was a deafening silence that went on for days while my nights were filled with self-mockery of what a silly silly person I was.

I’m constantly exhausted and I can only think of you. I’m doing countless things to distract myself, but when I lie in bed, it’s your arms I long to fall asleep in. Your kisses I burn to wake up to. It’s consuming me and I know you left, but I’m begging you just let me come to you. Even just for one night, let it be real again. Hold me and pretend we’re okay, because I miss you and all I want is to be wrapped in the memory of how we used to be.

And I will miss countless things about you. How you played my favorite song accidentally and still took credit for it. When you told me a childhood story about your eyelashes. I will miss the way you rubbed my legs when we watched movies and when you kissed the back of my neck in mornings. How we would sit in silence in the afternoon doing about our own things. I will miss you. But I will also remember how you let me walk away. How you didn’t even try to explain what you said I didn’t understand. How you threw my honesty and dismissed my doubts. So when I remember these, I know missing you eventually will pass as well. Though still never as quickly as your feelings did.

With you I want to Climb the mountains Be enveloped —in a sea of clouds Bask under the sun Have the sand tickle our backs Swim in the deep blue water Taste the saltiness on your skin On your lips, while on mine Explore forests Swim in lakes Take you on an adventure That I felt you deserve That we could share Let’s be free darling Let’s just go I long to be in your arms And wake up nowhere —everywhere I long to see your breath Get taken away By the world So you’ll understand How I feel this way —when I look at you Every single day

I never knew that was goodbye. You didn’t grab my hand to hold, like you used to. I waited but I just thought you weren’t in the mood, and so I decided to do it first. You held my hand back but it wasn’t as firm. I assumed the heat was making you uncomfortable, so I dismissed the sinking feeling. You kissed me. The first time to comfort me. The second time to woo me. The third was a parting one. Every kiss wiped away my doubts and when I turned my back to walk away I was quite sure we were fine. But we weren’t. Those were the last moments I didn’t know we had and I should have. So I wouldn’t have left my heart with you, thinking there was something I would go back to.

Haven’t we been down this road before? We’re going to end in heartbreak This we know This is a story —that we’ve read through Countless times You are contented I want more But I want you too And it’s why I always end up here With you Hands together Always trying Hoping we’ll get it right —yet never do When do we say enough? I will always love you You will always love me We always linger But we never take the risk So this This is a story of love Of you and I —never of us

"The nights are the worst. My head is filled of you and regret has made sleep impossible. Do you ever think about me?" "There’s always this moment, in the morning, when I’m with him and we’re having breakfast—that for a quick second—an image of your smiling face flashes before me. I quickly dismiss it before I can start asking myself questions I tried hard to forget." "Do you sometimes wish he was me?" "Honestly, no. I like him, his breakfast and all. But I do think it’s sad though, how in that fleeting moment I let myself think of you, that’s usually the happiest part of my day."

Everything about you is still beautiful. Your eyes, your smile, even the way you look at me. The way our bodies remained to mold perfectly with each other reminded me what contentment felt like again. And when I woke up next to you this morning, it was as if you never left. Your ability to take my breath away had not faltered. You are still all that I adore.

Don’t just disappear. Tell me you’re leaving whatever this is. Give me the decency of a proper goodbye. If you cared for me that much, you would know I deserve more than just to wander about in my life asking questions I will never get answers to.

“I’m not cold. I put my heart in a prison because I wanted it safe, untouched and whole. Yet despite my attempts, it learned to want you. Behind bars, dragging balls of chains, it longed for you to come. I had to watch my heart falter little by little. It crumbled waiting for you to set it free. So, this isn’t a wall. It’s just a trap now where I’m trying to pick up the pieces of what’s left of me.”