I was wondering if you have any advice for learning to trust again. I'm really struggling to trust anyone with anything.
I know my distrust is irrational. I don't know how to get past it.
I actually just wrote about this in a chapter I was working on. There isn't an easy answer, but this might be helpful.
A lot of us grew up with warped definitions of love and loyalty. When youβre raised in chaos, mistreatment can start to look like connection. Itβs easy to confuse fear with passion, control with care, or silence with safety.
So letβs clear something up. Trust isnβt any of these things.
Trust isnβt blind obedience. If someone says, βIf you really trusted me, youβd do what I say,β thatβs not trust. Thatβs control. Real trust doesnβt require you to shut down your own voice.
Trust isnβt pretending youβre not hurt. Stuffing your feelings just to βkeep the peaceβ isnβt trust. Itβs fear of rocking the boat. In a healthy relationship, you can bring your hurt into the open without being punished for it.
Trust isnβt self-abandonment. Growing up, you might have been taught that love means draining yourself dry and that if you really cared, youβd always push past your limits. But exhausting yourself to prove love isnβt trust. Itβs survival.
Trust isnβt perfection. People will mess up. Youβll mess up. That doesnβt mean the relationship is doomed. Trust isnβt about never making mistakes. Itβs about knowing repair is possible and how you and the other person handle mistakes.
Naming what trust isnβt matters, because when weβre used to dysfunction, the unhealthy can feel familiar, and familiar can feel safe. The goal isnβt to shame yourself for falling into those patterns. Itβs to notice when they show up, so you can step toward something better.
Relearning Trust in Safe Ways
Trust isnβt an all-or-nothing switch. You donβt wake up one day suddenly ready to bare your whole soul. Healing means rebuilding it in steps. And sometimes tiny ones.
Here are a few safe ways to practice:
Start small. Trust doesnβt have to begin with the scariest thing. Share something low-stakes first like your favourite song, or a worry about your day and notice how the other person responds. Safe people earn their way into the deeper layers over time.
Listen to your body but check the context. Your nervous system reacts quickly, sometimes too quickly, especially when youβve lived through trauma. Feeling anxious or tense doesnβt always mean someone is unsafe; it might mean your body is remembering old patterns. Pay attention to those signals, but pair them with reflection: Is this person actually doing something harmful, or am I reacting to a fear from the past? Your bodyβs cues matter, but so does giving yourself time to sort out whatβs real in the present.
Test for repair, not perfection. A healthy person wonβt always get it right, but theyβll try to make it right. If you share something vulnerable and it doesnβt land well, pay attention to how they respond when you tell them. Do they dismiss it, or do they lean in and adjust?
Practice boundaries while building trust. Letting people in doesnβt mean flinging the doors wide open with no locks. Boundaries help you feel safe enough to stay open. You can say, βIβm not ready to talk about that yet,β and still be building intimacy.
Lean on self-trust as your foundation. Trusting others begins with trusting yourself to notice red flags, set limits, and walk away if needed. When you know you wonβt abandon yourself, trusting others doesnβt feel like free-falling. It can feel like a choice instead.
Relearning trust is about pacing yourself. You donβt have to hand someone your whole heart to practice connection. You just have to give them one small piece and see what they do with it.
Trust after BPD and trauma is not about flipping a switch. Itβs not about pretending youβre fearless, or convincing yourself to trust everyone equally. Itβs about practicing discernment. It is about learning who has earned your trust, who hasnβt, and reminding yourself that your needs matter in that process.
You may always have moments where the fear whispers, Theyβre going to leave. You canβt rely on them. This will end in betrayal. That voice doesnβt mean youβre doomed to isolation. It means youβre learning to notice it, breathe through it, and choose what to do next.
Rebuilding trust is not about blind faith. Itβs about slow faith. Small steps. Testing, noticing, reflecting. Itβs about reminding yourself that you are allowed to be cautious, and you are allowed to want closeness anyway.
Because trust doesnβt erase the scars of the past. But it makes space for a different kind of future. One where connection doesnβt have to mean catastrophe.
