The Pamphlette

Following a heated, drawn-out debate on the “Reed” facebook group concerning trigger warnings, President John Kroger announced that, after having read the entire thread, he and the faculty had decided to “act decisively to save academic freedom.”

“I would very much like to thank the anti-trigger warning alumni on the thread, who argued that a one-sentence warning about graphic content on a class syllabus would inevitably lead to, er, something bad happening, for so eloquently making their points,” Kroger said.  “I was skeptical of such a seemingly-facile ‘slippery slope’ argument at first, but by calling current students ‘gits,’ ‘snitches,’ and ‘fucking douchebags,’ as well as repeating the word ‘coleslaw’ dozens of times, you all demonstrated the intelligence and sensitivity necessary to convince all of us.  Truly, you are adults.”

In order to protect academic freedom, every single class has been completely reworked.  In addition to removing all trigger warnings, classes no longer have names, numbers, or descriptions, and while there are still assignments, students will not be told what they are.  “At first, this didn’t seem to make sense to me,” Swedish exchange student Fredrik Thorsven told The Pamphlette.  “I mean, I guess constraining discussions is bad, but isn’t it also important to give students the information they need to be fully prepared to participate?”  Fortunately, Thorsven rembered that, according to a vocal opponent of trigger warnings on the thread, his status as a non-American meant he had no relevant knowledge whatsoever on the issue, so he merely shrugged and signed up for classes.  “I hope one of them is a biology class,” he said.

You might remember Douglas Spink from my article about him two years ago, but in case you don’t, here’s a quick summary, as well as some more recent information:

-Spink is a Reed alumnus;

-He was convicted of smuggling large quantities of cocaine in 2005;

-He is an advocate for “zoophiles’ rights,” and, totally incidentally, was arrested for running a bestiality farm in rural Washington a few years back;

-He was recently sent back to prison for violating probation--owning a dog, using the Internet (where he once ran a couple bestiality blogs), and boarding horses, among other offenses.

Yesterday, a new kerfuffle arose: Spink was barred by prison officials from watching the “Puppy Bowl” with his fellow inmates on the prison TV!

In the wake of several high-profile news stories about trans individuals, including John Jolie-Pitt’s name choice and rumors of Bridget Jenner’s transition, a trend of the media royally fucking up names and pronouns has emerged. The Pamphlette spoke to reporters at CNN and NBC to investigate the source of this wave of obstinate misgendering.

Cameron Sayers, a senior reporter for CNN, confessed that “I and many of my colleagues struggle to understand the phenomenon of change. The idea that certain ideas that might have once been assumed true are no longer correct is difficult for many media officials to understand, and in fact there’s been a movement to develop a treatment for this problem, which disproportionately affects caucasians and older males.” Frederick Halstow also admitted to suffering from this condition. “Yesterday morning I attempted to change my seventeen-year-old’s son diaper. It can really lead to some uncomfortable situations.”

Tasha Carroll from NBC confirmed that many or most senior officials struggle with the assumption that things never change. “I’ve heard stories of colleagues who still call their adult children by their baby nicknames, and yesterday I had to explain to someone that the dodo is in fact extinct.” When asked when, in the absence of an obvious cure, what media outlets are doing are doing to help with this issue, Carroll responded that “well, I mean, what can we do about it really? It’s just their opinion, and if it’s wildly untrue, well, that’s how it goes.”

If I had thought to write this article last week, it would have been entitled “Renn Fayre Theme Predictions,” but the content would have been exactly the same. I am a hopeless shill. Please love me.

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah: Spooky, scary.

Into The Abyss: It’s a metaphor for the seniors’ upcoming drop from the nest of academia into the harsh realities of the “real world.” Also, the aesthetic would be pretty cool, I think. Like, slutty-Van Gogh’s-blue-period? Nice. Nice.

Just...Jell-O. Jell-O Everywhere: So soft. So sleek. So lovely on my body. Mmm.

Your Mom’s Wedding to That Bastard, Todd: It’s time to work through those old traumas. We’re all here for you, friend. Let it out.

Wild Oats: Granola? Semen? Semen-drizzled granola? Do whatever the fuck you want, buddy. Live your dreams. It’s All Natural, regardless.

Slenderman...But, Like, a Slutty Version. With a Dick: I just want to see the reveal video for this one, tbh.

The Complete Works of Quentin Tarantino: I have so much corn syrup and food coloring left over from...well, never mind.

Oh, I know I said, on the other side of this very broadsheet, that there are a shit-ton of better Renn Fayre themes, but deep down, I’m satisfied. Think about it--Miami and Renn Fayre have a ton of things in common! Here are a few:

-Uncomfortably moist heat

-At least 15 people on experimental drugs doing weird shit in any given space

-Clothing so skimpy that its existence is near-redundant

-Rainbow lights

-Alligators

-Mayor Tomas Pedro Regalado

-Lizards

-A CSI spinoff

-Trees full of naked people

-There are colleges in Miami, and there is a college here. Coincidence? Boom boom.

-Boom booms (Boobies. What I am trying to say is Boobies.)

-Boom boom pow (disambiguated)

-More FUCKING LIZARDS

-???

-Monsoons

-Nipple pasties

Following Saturday’s announcement of the Renn Fayre theme as “Miami,” Reedies were surprised when Denny’s CEO John C. Miller appeared, enraged and visibly inebriated, on campus, shouting at passing bystanders that the college had “dug its own grave.”

“We had a fucking deal, you pricks,” Miller slurred, reeking of everclear and maple syrup.  “Renn Fayre theme was ‘Moons over My Hammy.’ In exchange I give you bastards ten million dollars.  Well, I gave you ten million dollars! So I’m at Bad Bitches Ball having a great time and then BAM! ‘Miami?’ What the Hell is that?”

Some students suggested to Miller that the 1980s retro-party aesthetic Miami suggests might make for a better theme for a party than a breakfast sandwich, but Miller was unconvinced.  “You ungrateful fucks are thinking of the sandwich the way cowards do: as a whole.  But it’s so much more than that.  It’s scrambled eggs, it’s two cheeses, it’s ham, it’s bread.  You could do an entire Renn Fayre on just one of those things! But you took the gift we gave you and just threw it into the gutter, like I’ll throw you into the gutter.  All of you.  All of you.”

At this point, Miller was dragged off-campus by CSOs.  The total extent of Miller’s threats are unknown, but for now it seems to consist of a formal ban on Reed College students and alumni from Denny’s restaurants.  So far, the community is taking the ban fairly well.