Delightfully Unhinged

"Oh," she says, staring up at the words the bark starts to form. "Look, look! It's calling me a cunt."

Theo stifles a grin as she quickly slides her wand back into the sleeves of her robes before you turn back to look at her. She gives a bored look towards the tree, pretending like it's the first she's noticed of it.

You're being turned into a taco.

And then you really wake up. Huh, what could all of that mean? The smell of tacos still lingers in the air.

Theo wakes up in the morning, teeth firmly clasped onto something soft and ....disappointingly not a tortilla. She would have made such a fine filling, too.

She promptly removes her mouth from the bedsheets, blearily rubbing her eyes. Maybe rubbing them harder might actually make the tacos from her dream appear before her.

She palms the nightstand blindly for her wand, "Accio...Taco?"

Nothing appears.

"Worth a shot." She whispers glumly to herself before rising out of bed.

As you open your nearest book, you realise that it's not the one you intended to read. But before you can close it again, you notice that words start to form on the pages. It almost seems like the book is whispering to you.

Oh. Hello, Reader It seems you have a decision to make. Don't be afraid. Many have stood where you stand now. Choosing between a mediocre read and me, the new 12-part romance fantasy series about sexy dragon people who bang each other. But don't be put off by my 700-page girth. This font's real big.

I like them big.

Something that starts with a Q!

Get it? It's bc you a cutie pie!!

Me???

"Should we share a muff? I'll make sure I pick an extra moist one."

*The word "moist" triggers something in Theo's nervous system as she swings her arm around your shoulders in the same manner.....before snapping you into a chokehold. She tugs you downwards as she looks you dead in the eyes*