you win or you die

“Yeah, it was okay. It was better than okay. It was great,” she answers, smiling up at him like he hung the moon. “I’m happy you kissed me. I’ve wanted to kiss you for a while now, too,” she assures him, reaching over to take his hand in hers. She doesn’t want him to worry or question where they stand, not when she thinks things are the best they’ve ever been between them now. “And for the record, you can totally do that whenever you want in the future.”

Before she can respond, he’s kissing her again. She really can’t believe how perfect this night has been and she’s happy that he feels the same way. “I have a family dinner tomorrow, but I’m pretty open otherwise. And I’m more than willing to pencil you in for as many nights as you want,” she answers. She wants him to know that she’s just as excited as he is.

“i have some money stashed away. not a lot. like, maybe enough for a deposit on a place if the place is cheap,” she said it quietly, rubbing her thumb along the palm of her opposite hand. “it doesn’t have to be a 9 to 5…it just has to be better, you know? the kid would deserve parents who aren’t criminals.” even her dad, who was infinitely better than the woman she occasionally recognized as her mother, was nowhere near the parent he could’ve been if he’d had a legitimate job. she felt better. still scared, but in a more manageable way. “i hate and i mean hate to say this, but i could probably ask murphy for some extra cash too. he’d help me get out. and he wouldn’t tell the others.”

“fucking obviously,” she groaned, running her hands through her hair. she took a seat, leg bouncing as she did. she nodded as he spoke, knowing it was true and feeling overwhelmed by all of it. “no we didn’t. and speaking of that, i don’t think we could stay here if we do this. she’ll find me here and i can’t, i won’t let any kid i have grow up in the life or that fuckin’ family. so we’d have to move. we’d have to get clean and move and find jobs in less than a year.” she needed to plan, to see what needed to be done before she decided if she could do it.

“i’m not saying to blame him. i’m just pointing out that it’s not an ideal living situation for a baby who will then be a toddler who will get into things because it’s what they do.” she took a deep breath, though it didn’t do much to calm her down. “the other options are just as scary. and there’s a million things to think about first. like do you even want to get clean? or be a dad? you don’t want to try and force me, but i don’t want to force you.”

“how is this not going to be? we’re complete disasters. how can we take care of a whole fucking kid? how…how do we both stay clean and raise a kid when you live in a fucking warehouse, with another addict, and the only job i’ve ever had is being a dealer? i don’t know what i want to do, i’m, i don’t even know. i’m fucking freaked out.”

“no, kit, i don’t think we fucking will. this is, this is a fuckin’ disaster.”

“…not everyone’s always going to see it. Which… sucks. Definitely sucks. But there are always gonna be people who doubt your value. It doesn’t make you any less valuable. You just have to find the right people. The ones who know exactly how amazing you are.” Did that make sense? He hopes it did. He still feels like he’s figuring this whole thing out every day. But he keeps trying. He’s never gonna stop trying for her and Brighid.

“I know you’re right, but I hate that you’re right because it’s hard.” She sighs, running her hand through her hair. “Sorry that was really whiny, I’m just upset about the whole situation. It’s like a huge disappointment. I really wanted to get into the program and I know the other people who got in are also talented. It’s just frustrating because I thought they’d see I was talented and let me in.”