Oblivious Sonder

It’s been a while since I have sat down and wrote something that’s on my mind.

I do come back and read again the posts I have written and think to myself “I’m glad I went through all - I am now able to see that through pain comes a lesson, and through a lesson comes experience & knowledge”.

I used to think that I could never forgive and never forget - and to think that you can is... well... not a reality. 

You, in your own way, should forgive. Do not dwell on things that have happened and carry them with you for the rest of your remaining life. Learn to understand it and to be able to accept that it is what it is - there is always a lesson and something you can do about it - whatever that means to you and I assure you it does make sense in the end. 

You are allowed to be sad, to mourn, to be angry, anxious, laugh, be embarrassed. To go through a rollercoaster of feelings and thoughts that in the end will make you understand what it means. 

You should not forget - as it is a part of what made you who you are. Cliché I know - but aren’t you 100% of all of the experiences that you have had? And not have had? The lack of it - what ever it is - is also a part of what made you.

But if you do, well - lucky you. As a coping mechanism I tend to forget - which makes me frustrated and be harsh on myself. Though I ask myself - is it really worth it to remember? As long as you know the lesson you have learned. To say no. To be you. To pursue happiness - in any shape or form. To accept that not all people are to be in your life forever. To know that some people play a part in your life for just a second and that’s all you need. To be able to say “it was nice whilst it lasted” and to also say “it was not worth it - though I am glad to have gone through it to learn to never make it happen again”.

In hopes that some people may read my posts and maybe identify themselves with - but also learn that it is always temporary. It all depends on what you do next - even when you don’t do nothing at all it comes with a cost or a consequence. May that be good or bad.

Do I love you?

In their eyes, you left. It was easy for you. You replaced them. It was easy for you. You didn’t cry. It was easy for you. You moved on. It was easy for you.

I cried when you left.

I cried when you didn’t seem to care.

I cried knowing this would end.

Eventually. I moved on whilst with you. It wasn’t easy, it was heartbreaking and painful. But if you do not listen to when I wanted to speak to you, then do not be surprised if at the very end I’ll leave. I already left before you knew it. Because, you didn’t listen. You didn’t care. Because it was easy for you.

You’re so wrapped up in yourself, you forget you have a relationship with someone. And that means, you have something to work on.

Communication is the key. I didn’t expect a reply. I expected you to listen. Listen to what others say. Then you’ll learn. When to and when not to act. When to and when not to believe. When to and when not to conclude.

I’m struggling. I can’t make the thoughts go away. Everything would be solved if only..

I would leave you?

I would love myself more?

I would be more selfish?

If I tell you my thoughts, we won’t go anywhere. Because this isn’t something that can be solved or forgotten.

It can only be released. Set free.

Sometimes you wish someone wouldn’t lie to you.

Sometimes you wish someone would respect you.

Sometimes you wish someone wouldn’t betray you.

Sometimes you wish someone would love you.

Sometimes you wish someone would understand you.

Sometimes you wish you could erase memories.

See, it never gets easier. You forgive but you don’t forget.

How am I suppose to move on, when all I can think about is: will you do it again?

Once you fail one step, you have to be a lucky one to forget. Moving on from that is hard, maybe sometimes impossible. But what do you do? Do you end it? Do you move forward? Do you forget? Do you think you can trust him again? Or will you forever think he will do it again?

All the images in my mind. All the scenarios I create. Do I want to live like this? Do I want to always think you’ll do it again?

Sometimes you wish you could forget.