From A Mess To The Masses!

we will have to bring out your clothes and books safely tucked in my room. we will have to bring them to your house or put them in boxes for your flight. we will be exchanging kisses and hugs good enough to last us until you visit again.

i will feel that excruciating sense of longing once it hits me that you won’t be here in my room for quite some time. i will feel lonely knowing that i could’ve shared this dish of uni with you at 2am after a gig. i’ll be rapping Solo. the distance between you and me would be oceans away and not within arms reach as i wrap myself around you while you sleep. we will have to endure.

we co-existed in a platform where we found refuge hiding away from demons that sought to destroy our faith in things we believed in

some of them were successful some of them haunted us trying every single time to break us

we did though we got broken and yet we’re here now through our mind blurbs formulated within a 140 character limit we acknowledge each other through favorites being content with that slight chance of eventually crossing paths -- co-existing in a single space at a single moment in time

eventually it did  and despite being complete strangers to each other one thing was certain

i have made questionable decisions in the recent past unconsciously using my loneliness as an excuse to constantly fill the void that was once filled. in that process, i’ve lost a lot.

i’ve always said to myself and to my closest friends that i wanted the “quiet lyf” and yet i found myself being bombarded with unnecessary noise and clutter that i actually chose to entertain because i was lonely. not everything was clutter, mind you. something good also happened but then i wasn’t so good at keeping it or making it stay. maybe because i wasn’t completely honest with myself and with the people that surrounded me during that time.

to say i was selfish might be an understatement. but to keep it simple yeah i really was fucking selfish. 

you were in a rough spot. you loathed your job. you had two consecutive shitty weeks. you went to gigs alone thinking, “maybe this isn’t a big deal.” you’d shrug off that feeling of loneliness that has been creeping inside of you since God knows when. your loneliness was always self-inflicted. 

the next thing you know, you’re drunk. ciudad is up next. they set-up, you down your pale, then all of a sudden a song you haven’t heard in a long time fills the room. “monica, i need you, isn’t it great to be with you?” you shouted those words as if you wanted to let your 2006 self hear how miserable you were at that point in your life. but you knew to yourself you didn’t even have to be that miserable. you had no reason to be. 

you’re still drunk. you tell yourself “ok lang toh. at least napanood mo ulit ciudad.” *G-C-Am-C-D* *everyone is bouncing then everyone stops to chant the first line that goes...*

“INVITING SOMEBODY OVER IS SUCH A JOKE SO IT’S SOMETHING I DON’T TRY!!!!”

this has been your favorite line since the first time you heard it when you bought their CD in 2008. only this time it meant something. this time it made sense. 

ciudad just ended their set. you down your fifth pale. a bottle close to your threshold for that exact amount of melancholic drive home. all of a sudden your phone rings and you get an invite to drink again. “Sigeyyy. Sunod ako.”

yell, only the corners of my mind can hear

outrage, only the chambers of my insides can feel

is it foolish to spare one last thought?

to admit my selfishness, i assume more than i should

but i can’t let you stay (i know you won’t)

i’d rather be sad of not having you (even if i want to)

it is what it was not 

time plays for fun

solving puzzles out of pieces may it be compatible or incompatible

all for the sake of just putting things together

all for the sake of doing something just to waste its own

i am washed ashore

i braved storms that which no one could have ever imagined; could have ever felt

my mast, as sturdy as it was, could not bear the weight of the wind as its sails tirelessly struggled not to take me off course. 

then i saw a light amidst the salty mist that slightly blinded my vision of possible sanctuary.

as it was slowly fading i knew i had to make a choice

so i jumped.

the waves welcomed me like a son that took so long to come back home

now i am.

so i paddled as hard as i could with every stroke yearning to shorten the distance.

as long as it meant getting closer to you.

farewell to the ship i’ve worked on for so long to build. farewell to the safety and comfort of its moss-stained cabin walls. farewell to familiarity.

suddenly i lost control. my breathing intensified, my vision blurred, my hearing deafened. everything.

i am washed ashore

but i didn’t get to reach you. maybe i didn’t need to.

now i’m writing this, hoping my message safely reaches to where you are.

i wouldn’t be here,