Empire State Of Mind

I feel good. I feel .. okay, which is more than I was able to say for a while now. I start therapy tomorrow. I feel good about it though, I think the fact its in a group will help me not feel like such a degenerate. I know I could be doing better but I feel like I have alot to be proud of with what I have been dealing with lately. I just got the call back for a job I applied for... So here I am world. Here I fucking am. Hope youre ready for me again.

I’m feeling a little low. I miss my daughter, I haven’t seen her in a couple weeks since the accident and honestly I probably could reach out a bit more. You just don't understand how painful it is to see her for a couple hours and have to leave.. or to see her on a video call for a few minutes and hear her start to cry when its time to hang up. It literally eats me alive. I feel like such a failure as a person and I don’t know why. I just feel like everyone's constantly disappointed in me and thinks I should be doing better. I care so much and deeply for the people around me, I’m generous and giving and affectionate and happy. Why is everyone so quick to tear me down.. a few in particular. Someone said to me the other day that I always jump to assume the worst. Maybe that’s true, but why? Probably because I'm so used to people walking out, and giving up on me. “people always leave” something I used to live by. I am always waiting for when the next and new is gonna walk out. I cant seem to shake that mental setting in myself for some reason.  Looking back and reflecting on my self and my ways for the last 5 months, I think I’ve come a long way.. along with a few setbacks and also a big fuck up. All things considered I do firmly believe I’ve improved myself. I just wish other people felt the same way. For some reason that’s really important to me. I will get there, the place where I want to be. I know I will. I'm with someone new and one of my favorite things about being with him is that he makes me want to be a better person, and have a better life. He’s overcome a lot in his life and it inspires me quite honestly. It reminds me that I’m one of the strongest people I know. I'm going through things right now, but I’ve been through worse. I’ve been fighting through chaos my entire life and I’m still here, fighting. I wont stop until I get the life I want. Sometimes I get distracted and veer off my path a but but I’ll always find my way back. I just need someone who can be patient with me and have enough faith in me to know my intentions are good and that I will be okay, Someone to stand by me, through the good and bad. Someone to be strong with me, not for me. Someone who wont get scared away my the chaos and embrace the success with me. Someone to pride me on my good efforts and my accomplishments. I want for a change, someone to see the good in me.. and help me feel the good in me again. 

The human mind shows an urge to capture into fixed forms through unreal assumptions, that is, fictions, that which is chaotic, always in flux, and incomprehensible. I've been struggling with the human mind lately, trying to make sense of the things I think and wonder if I'm always going to be prisoned in my own thoughts. Its scary, I’ve been more sober and more influenced by emotions than I have been in years. I swear sometimes I can actually hear the arguments between my heart and my mind. Decided my weaknesses for me and dangling my temptations in front of me. Being on my own again for the first time in years really pushed me to a place I wish I didn't go. The taste of freedom and independence quickly replaced my fear and I got lost in my temptations, simply just because I could. I disregarded all the years of pain and suffering that I had to endure that brought me to the realization that I already knew what I didn't want for my life - refused to continue the legacy of addiction and substance depended depression. I was falling so quick I didn't even know it until i hit the rock solid ground. I’m not afraid though, I'm embarrassed and hurt.. but I'm not afraid, I don't think i fit the definition of an alcoholic, and I'm not craving my drugs. I think its a bad cause of me just not giving a shit and being caught up in the chaos that is my life. I'm sick of it scaring people away, because it has. Its decapitating to have someone you care about walk away with their tails between their legs because your life is too much of a disaster for them to tolerate. Things that are out of your control, taking away bits of happiness you find because its too overpowering to let anything through.  So lately trying to make sense of why I get to these weak places of my mind where I allow myself to makes these decisions is baffling. I pride myself on being a strong willed person who has experienced enough to know better and who has the knowledge to make anything she wants of herself. So how do we get swayed so easily and obliviously. It terrifies me to the very core where I wonder if this is going to be the vicious cycle of my life. Doing well and getting ahead and when you think all is well and you start to smile, you hit that glass wall and everything in front of you shatters. Or is there any other saving grace, or redemption I can grasp before I get to that burning, inevitable end.

Does it ever make you wonder how just when you think things are starting to look up, that's when everything starts to fall apart. You get a glimpse of the good just for it all to be taken the fuck away.  I restarted my life, at the age of 26. I had no job, vehicle, home or money.. but I had a bag of clothes, a baby girl and a dog. I was allowing myself to stay in a toxic relationship because I was scared to be on my own. I knew we weren't happy and I knew he didn't love me anymore. I knew as long as I was with him that my habits and temptations weren't going to change. I knew that, but what bothers me is why I was so okay with it. Could I  be that selfish of a person, or does that just mean I was weak? I stayed until the very last moment, it took me getting my heart torn out of my chest and slammed and stomped on right in front of me. I've been out for about 6 months now. I managed to get a job right away, i moved a couple times and now have a steady home .I was paying my rent, phone bill and making my way back into society and slowly gaining my confidence and sense of independence. I had too much to drink one night, and when i woke up and drove with my daughter and dog I rear ended someone. Which landed me in a jail cell and with a DUI. My daughters father claims to not be able to trust me with my daughter so I haven't been able to see her much lately, and then the criminal record appeared and I lost my job at the daycare. Like I said, just when things start too look up and I start to feel at peace with my life, the carpet gets ripped out from under me. Don't get me wrong, I know I made a mistake and the fact that I could have hurt my daughter devastates me, and the very thought of it occurs to me as soon as I wake up in the morning. I suppose the moral of what I'm trying to say is that things never let up, when you think ”somethings gotta give” it probably wont.. but this whole new idea of me and how i think, is fighting through it anyway. My family left a disappointing and heart wrenching legacy that I do not intend to be apart of. Ill fight until I cant, and then maybe even fight some more. All I know is that i am capable and deserving, and I will take what back what belongs to me.