im thinking, save me from myself.
The human mind shows an urge to capture into fixed forms through unreal assumptions, that is, fictions, that which is chaotic, always in flux, and incomprehensible. I've been struggling with the human mind lately, trying to make sense of the things I think and wonder if I'm always going to be prisoned in my own thoughts. Its scary, I’ve been more sober and more influenced by emotions than I have been in years. I swear sometimes I can actually hear the arguments between my heart and my mind. Decided my weaknesses for me and dangling my temptations in front of me. Being on my own again for the first time in years really pushed me to a place I wish I didn't go. The taste of freedom and independence quickly replaced my fear and I got lost in my temptations, simply just because I could. I disregarded all the years of pain and suffering that I had to endure that brought me to the realization that I already knew what I didn't want for my life - refused to continue the legacy of addiction and substance depended depression. I was falling so quick I didn't even know it until i hit the rock solid ground. I’m not afraid though, I'm embarrassed and hurt.. but I'm not afraid, I don't think i fit the definition of an alcoholic, and I'm not craving my drugs. I think its a bad cause of me just not giving a shit and being caught up in the chaos that is my life. I'm sick of it scaring people away, because it has. Its decapitating to have someone you care about walk away with their tails between their legs because your life is too much of a disaster for them to tolerate. Things that are out of your control, taking away bits of happiness you find because its too overpowering to let anything through. So lately trying to make sense of why I get to these weak places of my mind where I allow myself to makes these decisions is baffling. I pride myself on being a strong willed person who has experienced enough to know better and who has the knowledge to make anything she wants of herself. So how do we get swayed so easily and obliviously. It terrifies me to the very core where I wonder if this is going to be the vicious cycle of my life. Doing well and getting ahead and when you think all is well and you start to smile, you hit that glass wall and everything in front of you shatters. Or is there any other saving grace, or redemption I can grasp before I get to that burning, inevitable end.
